


You Once Said if We Were Careful

by callmejude



Series: Too Long, Too Close [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies) RPF
Genre: Aftercare, Anal Sex, Barebacking, Bathing/Washing, Belts, Biting, Blindfolds, Bondage, Boot Worship, Choking, Collars, Counter Sex, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Domestic, Face Slapping, Face-Fucking, Fantasy Sex, Gags, Grooming, Handcuffs, Humiliation, Hurt/Comfort, Language Kink, Leashes, Lipstick & Lip Gloss, M/M, Marking, Mommy Issues, Orgasm Control, Phone Sex, Possessive Behavior, Punishment, Riding, Rough Oral Sex, Safewords, Silence Kink, Spanking, Subdrop, Subspace, cuddly bdsm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:08:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 65,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2624603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmejude/pseuds/callmejude
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“And you’ve never done this before?”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Something tingles at the base of Sebastian’s spine. He shakes his head.</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“Hm. I find that surprising,” Chris says thoughtfully. “You’re very obedient.”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“Jesus,” Sebastian mumbles.</i>
</p><p>----<br/>Chris offers something Sebastian doesn't realize he needs. Someone to take care of him. Someone to keep him in line. Sebastian is instantly addicted, and Chris is willing to give him anything he wants, as long as he asks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Now being [translated into Chinese!](http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/10999346?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_39427310) by the wonderful [cindyfxx](http://archiveofourown.org/users/cindyfxx) and [into Thai!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5959168/chapters/13695658) by the brilliant [Pippymon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pippymon) :D
> 
> Also be sure to check out the amazing fanmix to this fic [All Black, Blue Tie](http://8tracks.com/pippymon/all-black-blue-tie) that [Pippymon](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Pippymon) has also done!

The first time Sebastian wears a suit jacket to one of the Marvel press releases, Chris seems to favour him, suddenly. He claps Sebastian on the shoulder and mutters teasingly, “Close, but wear a tie next time, kid.”

 _Kid._ The guy is two years older.

He doesn’t know what it is that possesses him, two nights later, to add the tie to his outfit. When he meets Chris on the red carpet, his hand is suddenly warm and solid on the nape of his neck. “See?” he says, mirth in his voice as he leans close to Sebastian so that he can hear over the cacophony of shouting people and camera shutters, “You look good.”

Something prickles at Sebastian’s spine as Chris walks away. The feeling reminds him of missing a step or two going down a flight of stairs.

He buys another suit while they’re in Paris.

He wears it to the next red carpet event, and when Chris sees him he laughs, and pulls him into a hug. “Very sharp,” he says, running his hand over Sebastian’s chest in a way that seems far too obvious.

Sebastian’s mouth goes dry. He smiles, but he knows it looks shaken, because Chris winks at him cheekily before moving to hug Scarlett walking up behind him.

By the time it starts happening with interviews, it’s already a routine. 

Once Sebastian learns Chris will be there, he can no longer bring himself to simply grab the nearest outfit from his closet, and he’s aware of his appearance in a way he never was before. He dresses in a monochrome black suit and spends an hour in front of the mirror before he’s satisfied with his hair.

Chris is on his own backstage when Sebastian walks up. Chris smirks when he sees him, different from the red carpet meetings. More private. “Look at you,” Chris says with an air of pride, and Sebastian gets that odd falling sensation in his stomach again. “Turn around, lemme see.”

The hair at the back of Sebastian’s neck stands on end as he does a quick spin, and Chris chuckles. “Very nice.”

Sebastian opens his mouth to say something, but Chris’s hand suddenly on his face makes him falter. “I – ” Sebastian tries, failing miserably at any connectable thought.

“You’ll wanna get a closer shave next time.”

Sebastian feels himself nodding before he can think of a way to answer. “Okay.”

Chris smiles at that, nearly wolfish, and drops his hand to straighten Sebastian’s tie. “Good,” he says, rolling his thumb over Sebastian’s throat. Sebastian swallows against the soft pressure at his Adam’s apple.

“Good,” he echos quietly. Chris’s hand moves, and blunt fingernails suddenly scratch at Sebastian’s nape. He pales a little at the feeling of his dick twitching in his pants, and Chris smiles at him. It seems far too warm and genuine for the situation.

“Careful, kid.”

He’s not asked many questions, which he’s thankful for. At one point Chris pats his leg gamely in the middle of telling a funny story about the two of them with Anthony, and Sebastian hears static fill his head for a moment.

Their next interview together, he doesn’t see Chris until after. He and Anthony are paired together to answer questions, and when Sebastian walks into the room, Anthony smiles. “Chris talk to you about dressing nice, I’m assuming?”

For some reason, the fact that he knows well enough to ask makes Sebastian’s face heat up. “I didn’t realize what I wore to these things had such an effect on everyone,” he says teasingly.

Anthony chuckles. “Not everyone,” he says in a sing-song voice, and Sebastian steels himself not to lick his lips. Anthony grins at him then. “You look good though, kid.”

Why does everyone call him that?

After the interview, he follows Anthony out the door and into the dressing rooms. “Chris is gonna wanna see you first,” Anthony says without looking at him, loosening his tie as he reaches his door. Sebastian wonders how much he knows about this, but he doesn’t ask. He turns on his heel and goes to find Chris.

He finds him in his own dressing room, stretched over the couch and flipping through a magazine. He looks up when he hears Sebastian open the door and grins. “Very nice, is that another new suit?”

Sebastian nods. It’s not as nice as his other ones, but this interview was supposed to be a little more casual. Chris looks at him a minute before motioning him over, a quick flick of his hand before putting down his magazine. “C’mere.”

Sebastian hesitates before stopping in front of Chris’s couch. Chris sits up a little and stretches out his hand. He doesn’t say anything, but Sebastian knows what he wants, and leans down so that Chris can touch his face.

He’d gone out and bought a new razor the day after Chris had commented on his shave, spending three times the amount he’d ever spent on a razor before. He’s embarrassed to tell Chris as much, so he doesn’t. He doesn’t need to. Chris is smiling anyway. Like he can tell.

“Good boy.”

Sebastian’s mouth falls open. Something sharp burns quick up his spine, and he shivers. Chris smirks at him. “You all right?” Sebastian nods, and his head swims a little. Chris smiles. “All black, blue tie.”

It isn’t what Sebastian is wearing, and he narrows his eyes. Chris doesn’t break eye contact, but he doesn’t say anything else, either. After a moment, the realization comes together. He’s telling him what to wear next time.

Another chill runs down Sebastian’s back. His breathing is too shallow. “Okay.” He flinches at his voice, rasped and breathless, but Chris only grins at him.

“Good,” he says, and Sebastian twitches in anticipation of him saying it again, but Chris only drops his hand away, purposefully rolling his thumb over Sebastian’s bottom lip as he slides it off his face to grab his magazine back.

“You can go.”

Sebastian doesn’t hesitate in leaving. He ducks into his own dressing room and marches straight through to the bathroom. He’s only half-hard but it doesn’t take long before he’s shaking and panting. He feels filthy for this. When he comes, he hears Chris’s voice in his head. _Good boy._

It’s somehow steadying to wear what Chris told him to. The fabric hums against his skin in a way the other suits didn’t. He sits impatiently through the interview, his mind reeling past the questions and he’s talking too fast. He’s jittery, and he’s pretty sure everyone looking at him can tell.

Chris watches him calmly for a long time before using a joke about being so much larger than him as an excuse to squeeze fondly at the back of Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian hears himself laugh along with everyone else, but all he can feel is instant, cool relief. 

Chris keeps his hand there a moment longer than necessary before pulling away to continue on with what he was saying. By the time he’s pulled back, Sebastian’s mind is clear.

On their way to their dressing rooms, Chris whispers to him, “You have to calm down.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

Chris gives the hall a once-over before placing a hand on the small of Sebastian’s back and ushering him into his room. “It’s my fault,” he says gently, and Sebastian makes a face, “I shouldn’t have let you go out there all wound up.”

“Huh?”

Chris smiles and presses him back against his door. Something about being held this way is like a knot in his stomach going loose. “Chris,” he says, his voice catching when Chris runs his knuckles over the line of his throat. “What – what is this?”

“You need someone to take care of you,” Chris answers bluntly. The tone of his voice makes Sebastian nod before he’s even sure he agrees. A smile flickers on Chris’s face and he loosens Sebastian’s tie. “If you’d prefer Anthony do it, he said he’d be willing. Though we both agreed I might be better suited, since I don’t have a girlfriend to explain this to.”

Sebastian swallows hard, feeling Chris’s hands wander further down. “A-Anthony wants to do this?”

Chris chuckles. “A lot of people want to do this.” He pauses at Sebastian’s belt. “Do you?”

Sebastian’s only ever publically been with women, but he doesn’t consider his sexuality much of a secret. He messed around once in high school, had a couple boyfriends in college, and he and Chris Egan used to fool around a little in between filming, sometimes, but he has a feeling that’s not what Chris is asking. His lips feel numb, and his tongue darts out to wet them. 

Chris waits patiently for an answer, his fingers casually resting on the edge of Sebastian’s belt. He can say no and knows that Chris will take it as an answer. He can push Chris away and knows he will go easily. He doesn’t.

“What should I wear tomorrow?” he asks. His voice comes out shaky, but he holds Chris’s gaze evenly enough.

Chris smiles. “I liked that grey suit you bought in Paris,” he says, threading the belt out of his slacks. “Black tie. Get up early so you can see me before we go on.”

“Yes, sir.” It slips out before Sebastian can stop it, and Chris raises his eyebrows.

“Good boy,” he answers back, and Sebastian’s body jerks in response. Chris slips a hand into Sebastian’s pants and pulls his cock out of his boxers. He rolls his hand over him slowly, firmly, and it’s better than it should be.

Sebastian’s eyes flutter closed as Chris rolls his thumb over the head. He whimpers and leans back into the door. “Look at me,” Chris says firmly, and Sebastian blinks his eyes back open. 

“Traffic light rules. Red for stop, yellow for slow down, understand?” Sebastian nods. “Good. Don’t be afraid to ask any time you need me.” Sebastian’s stomach swoops, and his head spins a little. He latches his hand onto Chris’s shoulder. 

Chris continues on, as if this is a normal conversation and his hand isn’t being unfairly talented on Sebastian’s dick. “Do what I ask and you get rewards, go against me and you get punished. Always within your limits. Simple enough?”

“Yes – yes, sir,” Sebastian stammers out helplessly, his legs spreading to accommodate Chris pressing closer against him. Chris takes his chin in his free hand and tilts it up to force Sebastian’s eyes on him.

“We don’t want to get anything on your nice suit,” he says, his voice mockingly sweet and his fingertips sliding into Sebastian’s mouth, “so tell me when you’re about to come.” Sebastian nods, feeling lightheaded.

Chris watches him for a moment, thumb running thoughtfully over his cheek. “Do you want me to kiss you?” Sebastian’s thankful his skin has already gone blotchy from exertion, because his face sets fire at the question. Something about it seems too personal, even with Chris’s hand wrapped around his cock.

Chris gives him a brief squeeze. “Answer me.”

Sebastian nods, feeling foolish and desperate. “Yes, sir.” 

Chris smiles at him, but doesn’t move. “Manners, Sebastian,” he says gently. 

Sebastian is too far gone to think of it as condescending. “Please,” he forces out, it won’t be much longer before he’ll have to push him away as it is. The hand at Chris’s shoulder tries to gently pull him closer, hoping he won’t notice.

When Chris leans forward, it’s slowly, which Sebastian isn’t expecting. The hand at his jaw moves to cup his cheek, and aside from the light nip of appreciation as Sebastian opens his mouth, the kiss is soft.

Chris slows his hand down to match the pace of the kiss, and Sebastian is too warm and dizzy. His free hand grapples for purchase in Chris’s hair, holding him close for what seems like barely an instant before he has to push him back.

“I – I can’t, I’m…”

He can’t get the words out, but Chris doesn’t ask for them. He places a quick kiss on Sebastian’s jaw before kneeling down and taking Sebastian in his mouth.

“F – _fuck._ ” Sebastian’s knees give out, but there’s a hand holding his hip firmly against the door. Chris’s mouth is warm silk around his cock and he can hardly breathe. He’s barely even fully registered the fact that Chris is on his knees before he’s coming.

Chris doesn’t pull away once he’s finished, dragging Sebastian through the aftershocks and making sure there’s nothing left in him by the time he sits back on his heels. The hand at Sebastian’s hip eases back, and Sebastian slides a little down the wall.

“Whoa, hey,” Chris stops the fall and hoists him up straight as he gets to his own feet. The corner of his mouth quirks up as he straightens Sebastian’s jacket. “That’s very flattering. I haven’t actually done that in over a decade.”

Sebastian’s brain stutters at the thought of Chris sucking cock as a teenager. Something tells him he should respond to that. “Uh,” he manages intelligently. He swallows hard, trying to shake himself.

“How’re you feeling?” Chris asks far too casually as he tucks Sebastian back into his slacks, “Better?”

Sebastian watches his lips, slick and red, and takes a moment to nod. He moves forward to kiss Chris again, but hesitates, realizing, and swallows again. He feels ridiculous, asking for a second kiss, so he stays frozen inches from Chris’s face, and licks his lips, silently begging.

Chris closes the distance between them with a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sigh, and Sebastian melts into the taste of himself on Chris’s lips, feeling his face heat up as a moan escapes into the kiss. Chris pushes him back and Sebastian goes with ease, his head hitting the door with a dull _thud_ , and he can’t stop the quiet gasp from his mouth.

“And you’ve never done this before?”

Something tingles at the base of Sebastian’s spine. He shakes his head.

“Hm. I find that surprising,” Chris says thoughtfully. “You’re very obedient.”

“Jesus,” Sebastian mumbles. 

Chris smirks at him. “Do you feel better?”

Sebastian leans his head back. He does. Grounded, solid. There’s an absence of nervous energy rattling around in his brain that he never even really noticed was there. How long has he needed this? “Yeah,” he says after a while, “thank – thank you.”

Chris runs a hand through Sebastian’s hair. It’s reassuring and comfortable, and Sebastian leans into it. He hears a tisk and looks up to see Chris with an almost pitying expression. “I should’ve noticed sooner,” Chris says, all sympathy and no judgement. “You’re practically starved for it.”

Sebastian shivers, and the corner of Chris’s mouth twitches. “Are you gonna be all right?” 

“I – yeah,” Sebastian stutters, and Chris gives him a smile. 

“Don’t be afraid to ask me when you need anything, okay? That’s what this is for.”

Sebastian nods again, and Chris gives him a gentle pat on the neck. “Go get cleaned up, we should head back to the hotel before it starts getting dark.”

Sebastian peeks out into the hall awkwardly before he starts toward his own dressing room, and looks back when he hears Chris laughing. “It’s okay, Seb, the coast is clear.” When Sebastian sneers back at him, Chris teasingly pats him on the hip. “I’ll see you back at the hotel, okay?”

Something twists with anticipation in Sebastian’s stomach from the way he says it. Like a promise. “Be quick,” Chris calls after him as Sebastian shuts the door behind himself.

Okay. So he’s not sure what this is. But whatever it is, it’s good. He hasn’t really had time to go out and find sex in a while with all the training, filming, and press releases. That’s probably all this is. Which isn’t a big deal. He’s thankful for it, really.

_A lot of people want to do this._

Sebastian smooths the goosebumps at the back of his neck as he steps into his own dressing room and gets ready to leave.

In the hotel, Anthony comes knocking the minute Sebastian sits down on the bed, and when Sebastian opens it, he’s grinning. “Let’s all go to dinner, c’mon. My treat.”

Sebastian’s neck blooms red. “Who’s ‘all’?”

He’s mortified to realize he can’t quite meet Chris’s eyes for the first half of the meal. Every time he looks at him he just remembers his lips stretched over his cock. He talks easily enough with Anthony, but he knows he’s obvious enough that Anthony can tell. At one point, he and Chris share a look, and then Anthony gets up to use the restroom.

Chris gets up as if he has somewhere to be as well, but stops just behind Sebastian as he crosses the floor. He places one hand on Sebastian’s wrist and cups his nape with the other, and Sebastian leans backward into the touch.

“It’s okay.” Chris’s voice is in his ear but he can’t move to see him, somehow held perfectly still in this position. He wonders if anyone notices them like this, or if it looks natural enough that no one cares. “Don’t be ashamed of it. Relax.”

He squeezes Sebastian’s neck before he lets go, and Sebastian lets his shoulders sag. He looks up to meet Chris’s eyes, warm and entirely, almost infuriatingly innocent, before Chris walks away from him, to the bar on the other side of the restaurant.

He orders drinks for all of them, sets Anthony’s down at his empty spot before setting Sebastian’s down in front of him. “You can drink,” he says, patting the back of his neck as he slides into his own spot, and Sebastian has already started drinking it before he realizes how much it seemed like he was waiting for permission.

When Anthony comes back to the table, he looks from Sebastian to Chris and grins. “Good,” he says without any effort to context. Sebastian glances at Chris, who’s smiling shyly at his menu.

Sebastian is much calmer for the rest of the meal, and looks Chris in the eyes when speaking to him. Anthony smiles smugly behind his drink the rest of the night.

When they get back to the hotel, Sebastian paces around his room for a moment before making a half-formed decision and appearing at Chris’s door. When Chris opens it, he’s in a rumpled pair of drawstring pants and an undershirt. “Hi,” he says cheerfully, opening the door wide enough to let Sebastian through.

Sebastian hesitates. “Were you going to bed?”

Chris shakes his head. “Just getting comfortable. What’s up?”

He steps to the side, further invitation for Sebastian to come in, and this time he takes it. “I just wanted to, um.” He has no idea what he wanted to do. “...Thank you,” he finally settles on nervously, looking at his hands. “For, uh. Today. And tell you I’m sorry about earlier, when I was acting...weird.”

Chris looks like he’s trying not to laugh as he reaches out and pets Sebastian’s hair. “This is supposed to help you, kid. If you’re gonna be this anxious about it, we don’t have to do it.”

“No!” The force of it startles them both, but Chris recovers quickly.

“All right,” he says smoothly, “You wanted to thank me and apologize. It’s okay. Is there anything else you wanted?”

Sebastian swallows hard, his skin suddenly feeling too tight for his body. His blood is too loud in his ears and his mouth is dry. He came here for more than this but he doesn’t know what to ask for.

“Sebastian,” Chris says, snapping him back to attention, “do you need me?”

Sebastian nods.

“Good boy,” Chris says gently. A momentary heat washes over Sebastian as he says it. “Get down on your knees for me.”

It’s as if his skin is vibrating as he drops to his knees, watching from the floor as Chris looks him over. “Hands behind your back,” Chris tells him, and Sebastian locks one hand around his other wrist. Chris watches and smiles before cupping Sebastian’s jaw as he had before.

“Only what you want, Sebastian. Any time you want to stop, we will.”

Sebastian wants to tease him for being so insistent, but he seems so serious that all he does is nod. It’s comforting, knowing he cares this much. “Okay.” Chris runs a hand through his hair. Sebastian’s eyes slide shut, but Chris doesn’t say anything else and pulls his hand away.

When Sebastian opens his eyes, Chris is dragging his pants open. Sebastian’s heart speeds up in his chest and Chris looks at him, expectant. “You’re okay with this?”

Sebastian nods, not trusting his voice. It’s all the answer Chris needs, and he pushes his pants down. Sebastian watches Chris stroke himself hard for a moment before opening his mouth wide. He hears Chris whisper “ _God,_ ” and excitement curls at the base of his spine.

Chris is painstakingly slow sliding his cock into Sebastian’s mouth, and Sebastian’s not sure if he’s allowed to move yet, so he remains perfectly still. Once Chris is in as far as he can go, he takes a deep breath and nods, watching Sebastian’s face.

Sebastian keeps eye contact as he moves, working his throat as he slides his mouth forward and back, swallowing hard. It’s been a few years since he’s done this, but he still remembers the technique. It’s enthralling, the solid warmth, the stretch of his mouth. As much as he loves being with women, he has missed this.

Chris groans, and Sebastian moves faster, rolling his tongue back before letting his lips follow, sucking at the head before sliding forward. Chris nests a hand in Sebastian’s hair, clenching enough to pull him closer, and Sebastian moans. Chris’s hips twitch, just slightly, and Sebastian loosens his jaw.

“God,” Chris says above him, his voice winded as he tries to control the aborted thrusts of his hips, “you were made for this.”

Sebastian’s whole body thrums. He loses composure, missing a few seconds, and Chris is still talking when he realizes himself again. “Wish you could see yourself,” he says. “You’re beautiful this way.” His voice is distant, like he doesn’t fully realize what he’s saying, but his eyes never leave Sebastian’s.

“Such a good boy,” Chris murmurs, and Sebastian moans. Chris’s hips snap forward at the sensation and Sebastian’s whole body sags into it. His moans fade to whimpers as he bobs his head over Chris’s dick, begging him to move again. Chris takes the hint and buries both hands in Sebastian’s hair, holding him still.

“This?” Chris asks, thrusting fully into Sebastian’s mouth. Sebastian can only groan against him, lets his mouth go slack to take in as much of his cock as he can. “Jesus – ” Chris hisses, fucking himself into Sebastian’s mouth.

It’s never been like this, completely out of his control. Every nerve in his body is on fire. Everything else around him starts to dull until all that he can feel is the hands in his hair and the weight on his tongue.

His mind goes utterly, blissfully blank.

Time comes back in pieces. He’s dizzy. His body is heavy and he can’t seem to focus his eyes. Chris is holding him steady. They’re at eye level, but Sebastian isn’t standing. Chris is kneeling in front of him, wiping come from his chin. Sebastian swallows against the the tang in his mouth and shivers. Chris is asking him something.

“Hey, you with me?” His voice is warm and he’s smiling, and something light rolls through Sebastian’s chest. He nods, but he’s already forgotten the question. Chris seems as if he can tell, and laughs sweetly. “Yeah, okay,” he says gently, unconvinced. “C’mere.”

Chris helps him stumble to the bed and lays him down. “I’ll be right back,” he says, starting for the bathroom, but Sebastian’s hand latches around his wrist. _Want_. He doesn’t know if he manages to say anything out loud. He doubts it, but Chris smiles and nods as if he had before lying down behind him, pulling him to his chest and running a hand through his hair.

He’s suddenly freezing, and burrows back into Chris until Chris curls around him, grabbing the nearest edge of the blanket and wrapping it over them both. He doesn’t say anything until Sebastian stops shivering.

“Coming back, yet?”

Sebastian swallows again, letting his eyes slide shut at the feeling of fingers through his hair. “Yeah,” he manages after what is probably far too long since the question. His voice is rough and quiet, and Chris chuckles.

“How’re you feeling?”

It’s such a loaded question, and his current grasp on language is still too tenuous. He rolls over until he can nuzzle his face against Chris’s neck. He wants to say he’s never felt anything like that in his life; that he didn’t even come and yet somehow he’s never had a better orgasm. “Good,” he finally mumbles into the cotton of Chris’s shirt.

He loses track of how long they lay that way before Chris’s hand stills in his hair. “Lemme clean you up. You should be getting to your own room.” Sebastian curls his fingers in Chris’s shirt and grumbles.

“Sebastian, look at me.” His voice is too firm to ignore, and Sebastian pulls his face away from Chris’s shirt to meet his eyes. It’s addictive to do as he says. Sebastian’s spine tingles, and he takes a breath to steady himself. He doesn’t want to move this too fast. He doesn’t even know what Chris’s limits to this are. He doesn’t even know what his _own_ limits are.

Chris must notice, because he smiles and pets back Sebastian’s hair from his face. “Easy,” he says, his voice careful. “I’ve got to clean you up so you can go to your room, okay?”

Sebastian nods, but hesitates as he’s sitting up. He moves sluggishly, licks his lips while staring blatantly at Chris’s mouth. The words still get caught in his throat, but Chris seems to understand, anyway, and closes the distance to kiss him. 

The kiss is different this time, Chris’s hand firmly cupping the back of Sebastian’s head. It’s possessive and safe, and Sebastian melts. When Chris breaks away he places another kiss on Sebastian’s cheek. “Wait here.”

Sebastian sits, waiting patiently as Chris returns with a damp washcloth. 

He sits him up and keeps eye contact the whole time he cleans Sebastian’s face. He studies him for a moment before wrapping his hand around his elbow. “Hey,” he says, his voice firm but affectionate, “Pull back, Sebastian, it’s okay.”

Sebastian blinks at him confusedly. “What?”

Chris lets out a fond huff. “You still look kinda locked in. You all right?”

Sebastian nods. “I’m good.”

Chris smiles at him. “That was kinda intense,” he continues gently, “I wasn’t expecting you to slip into it that fast.”

Sebastian frowns. He reached a limit, after all. “I’m sorry.”

Chris shakes his head quickly, still smiling. “No, no. It’s – it’s good. Or, well. It is as long as you’re all right. Are you all right?” Sebastian nods, and Chris smoothes out the wrinkles in Sebastian’s shirt. “Okay. It’s fine. You really needed it, that’s all. I just don’t want you falling too far to come back. Take some deep breaths for me, okay?”

Sebastian takes several stabilizing breaths, and the last of the fog lifts as Chris gets a bottled water from the minibar and presses it into his hand. “Little sips,” he says, his smile open. “Come back into the light.” 

Sebastian smirks against the drink in his hand. “That was, um…” He still doesn’t know how to describe it. “Intense was a good word,” he agrees after a moment, and Chris nods.

“Yeah, I wasn’t – I didn’t mean to do that to you so soon. It didn’t freak you out, did it? You’re okay?”

Sebastian scoffs. “Only you would ask someone if they were okay after something like that.”

Chris chuckles, pulling out his phone. “Well, I hope that’s not true.” He fiddles with the screen a moment before handing it to Sebastian. “Read up. Do you want something to eat?”

Sebastian nods without hearing the question, feeling his face turn pink as he looks at Chris’s phone. Not much left to the imagination when the title of the article contains _BDSM 101_. “Oh.”

Chris smiles fondly at him. “You’re gonna be embarrassed? After all that?” Sebastian shakes his head, but his neck starts to get hot as he reads on.

_Subspace is the surge of adrenaline and endorphins caused by dominant/submissive play. It tends to affect everyone differently, but common side-effects are decreased coordination, difficulty in communication or thinking clearly, and feeling like floating or as if time has slowed down._

Sebastian looks up to see Chris is handing him a candy bar. He looks back down at the phone in his hand before taking it. “So are you gonna like, tie me up?” he asks.

Chris shrugs. “If you want me to.” He drops to his knees and rests his arms across Sebastian’s legs. “Doesn’t have to be tonight,” he says teasingly. “We’ve got quite a few more hits on the tour.”

“What’s this for?” Sebastian asks, waving the chocolate, “Is this what you meant by rewards for a job well done?”

Chris laughs, loud and full-body, and every nerve in Sebastian lights up. “Sometimes people get hungry afterward, I just wanted to cover all the bases.”

Sebastian tears it open and takes a bite. “So you’ve done this before?”

Chris shrugs. “I’ve dabbled. I had a girlfriend right out of high school who was really into it.” He looks at Sebastian, and Sebastian takes another bite of chocolate. He looks from the article on Chris’s phone to Chris’s face.

“Do you get anything like this?” he asks, pointing at the screen with what’s left of his chocolate. “Is there a domspace or something?”

“Not exactly,” Chris answers, “but – well, there’s something like that.”

Sebastian nods, chewing. He’s curious, but he’s too shy to ask.

“Any other questions?” Sebastian thinks for a wild moment that Chris is reading his mind. He doesn’t want to ask now. It seems like a silly question. He shakes his head. Chris takes it as a response. “You’re looking good and present. How’re you feeling?”

Sebastian looks back at Chris’s phone before handing it over and watches Chris put it on the nightstand. “Um...” he hesitates for a moment before reaching up and tugging at Chris’s shirt. Chris lets him drag him over the bed, biting his lip to keep from smiling. “Can I stay here a little longer?”

Chris leans forward, breath playing against Sebastian’s mouth. “Manners, Sebastian.” 

“Please,” Sebastian answers, falling back onto the bed with Chris’s weight. 

Chris sits up on his elbows, leaning most of his weight against the bed rather than Sebastian. He smiles down at him. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Which question?”

Chris’s smile turns fondly exasperated. “How’re you feeling?”

Sebastian is still trying to figure out how to answer when he hears his own voice, “Safe.”

Chris’s nails roll gently over his scalp.

“Good.” He’s quiet for a long time, and Sebastian can feel himself start to drift off until he hears, “You need to go back to your room.”

Sebastian groans, and it comes out sounding petulant and whiny. He hears Chris huff a laugh, and it puffs against his ear. “You can’t sleep here,” he says softly, but Sebastian can’t think of a reason why.

He opens his eyes. “Why not?”

Chris chuckles. “Because you need some time,” he says, like he wishes he didn’t. “You need to clear your head and think this over. Decide what you want from it, okay?”

Sebastian grunts. “I want to sleep right here. From it.” 

That makes Chris laugh, and Sebastian thinks for a moment that he’s won. “C’mon,” Chris says, sitting up, dragging Sebastian with him. “It’s getting late, and I want you to have time to come see me before we leave.”

There’s a hint of pressure in his voice that wasn’t there before, a gentle order that he can still shoot down, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to make Chris happy, so he does as he asks and gets to his feet. Chris kisses his neck before nudging him out the door. “Good boy.”

Sebastian can’t sleep, but the longer he tries to, the more it occurs to him that Chris may not have meant for him to. _Think things over._ He has no idea where to start, really. He stares blankly at the ceiling for a while before getting up and going to his desk to open his laptop.

He’s unsure of what to search for and stares back at the Google search page for a very long time. At a loss, he types “BDSM” into the top bar, flinching as it loads, as if preparing for an explosion. He relaxes when enough innocent-looking links show up on the first page. He clicks one that mentions “checklist” in the title.

Sebastian goes through each bullet carefully, picturing Chris doing each thing to him to fully gauge his reaction. A few things jump out at him as things they’ve already done. _Choosing clothes, kneeling, praise._ He likes those. He grabs the notepad sitting on the nightstand and writes them down.

As he scrolls over the list, he adds more things that interest him, things he’s done before with other people, like biting and hair-pulling. A few odd things make his heart flutter in his chest and he writes those too. _Grooming, binding, choking._ He skips past the more violent things, his eyes pausing contemplatively once or twice, but he’s anxious, and leaves them unwritten.

He goes through the list twice, embarrassed when he starts to squirm in his seat. His tongue is thick in his mouth as he swallows. He entertains the idea of waking Chris and asking for help, but he can’t make his body move. He thinks of Chris’s large, warm hands wrapped around his throat, thumbs pressed into the hollow, and he shivers. 

He hesitates before sliding a hand into his boxers, whimpering. His mind runs through a rapid-fire collection of half-formed thoughts. Chris tying him to a chair and pulling his head back by the roots of his hair. Leaving marks on his neck that would cause make up to sigh or blush. Fingers clenching hard around his windpipe.

He comes with a shout, heaving forward onto the desk. He focuses on the ghost sensation of a hand in his hair, hears Chris whisper praise in his ear, and whines. His body tenses with renewed intention to drag himself to Chris’s door, but after several minutes he only manages to shirk his boxers and make it to his bed.

The next morning, Sebastian stands at the door for what seems like twenty minutes before knocking. When Chris answers, he’s carrying the cozy, sedate air of someone who is still mostly waking up.

He smiles at Sebastian and runs a hand over his sleep-mussed hair. Sebastian’s fingers twitch with the need to touch him. He clenches his hands into fists – crunching around hotel notepad paper – and mutters, “Morning.”

“Morning,” Chris answers sleepily. “Did you think things over?”

Sebastian swallows nervously and nods.

Chris’s face falls. “Are you okay?”

Sebastian takes a deep breath and nods again. “I – um, I went online. Looked up some stuff.”

Chris’s expression passes somewhere between proud and nervous. “Good,” he says after a long pause. “Uh, I mean, it...can be a little intimidating, if you’re not sure what you’re looking for. We don’t – ”

“Yeah,” Sebastian cuts him off before Chris can say anything. “It was…uh, a lot to take in.”

Chris nods, and Sebastian falters. “We can go slow,” Chris says, “just focus on the stuff you’re sure about, first.”

“I...I did,” Sebastian says slowly, handing Chris the crumpled paper in his hand.

Chris’s expression brightens. “Good!” he repeats, much more genuine this time. He looks the list over, and Sebastian watches as his eyebrows raise. “Oh,” he says, his voice low, “so not _too_ slow, then.”

Sebastian shifts awkwardly and Chris looks up at him, smiling. “Nothing wrong with that.” He looks back at the list and asks quietly, “What do you need from me right now?”

Sebastian isn’t sure what to say at first. He’s staring at the floor as he clears his throat. “I – I was gonna shower but then I…” he hesitates, shifts from one foot to the other. Maybe he’s pushing this too fast. He doesn’t want to overstep whatever boundary Chris may have, but he’s gone 30 years without even realizing how much he needs whatever the hell this is. Finally he blurts, “Would you bathe me?”

He chances looking up just as Chris’s eyes widen. A moment later, they go dark. “All right,” he says. “Go strip in the bathroom, get the water started. I’ll be there in a minute. Give me your room key so I can get you a change of clothes.”

Sebastian’s sitting naked at the edge of the tub when Chris comes in. He’s changed into a t-shirt and jeans, and Sebastian feels dumbly self-conscious. Chris sets down one of the glasses from the room on the lip of the sink.

“Go ahead,” he says, motioning toward the tub, “get in.”

Sebastian nods and crawls in, scooting back and giving Chris room to sit on the ledge. Chris reaches over for the hotel soaps and shampoos and sets them at his feet. He fills the cup with water and runs it over Sebastian’s face and hair.

“Okay?” he asks sweetly.

Sebastian nods. “Yeah.”

Chris smiles at him, tucking wet hair behind his ear. “You took to this faster than I thought you would.”

Sebastian smirks. “I guess you were righter than you thought you were.”

“Mhm,” Chris responds with mock seriousness. He fills his hand with shampoo and works it into Sebastian’s hair. Sebastian lets out a quiet hum of appreciation, and Chris grins at him. He massages Sebastian’s scalp for what’s probably much longer than necessary to get his hair clean, but Sebastian doesn’t mind.

Chris fills the cup again and gently rinses away the soap before leaning forward and kissing Sebastian’s forehead. Sebastian can feel the hand at his neck tilting his head up against Chris’s lips, his thumb drawing soft little circles behind Sebastian’s ear. His hand moves groggily, reaching out to latch onto Chris’s shirt, but Chris’s other hand intercepts it, wrapping around his fingers.

“Don’t get me all wet, I don’t want to shower until after the plane.”

Sebastian teasingly flings his other hand through the water, purposefully missing Chris almost entirely. Chris rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, and Sebastian leans forward and licks his lips.

Chris takes the hint and kisses him, but only for a moment before pulling back enough to mutter snarkily, “I have a feeling you would’ve gotten clean faster in your own room.”

Sebastian just smiles.

Chris sighs with mock frustration as he rolls the soap over his hands. He starts with Sebastian’s neck, then his shoulders. Sebastian leans forward as he cleans his back. When Chris does his chest and legs, Sebastian watches curiously, oddly nervous. His cheeks get somewhat hot as Chris washes between his legs, but he doesn’t move or speak.

When Chris drains the water and leads Sebastian out of the tub, he wraps the fluffy white towel around his shoulders and ruffles his hair dry. It feels sweet, caring, and Sebastian’s reminded briefly of when he was little; when his mother helped him dry off so he wouldn’t get his pajamas wet.

“Chris,” Sebastian asks as Chris wipes down his legs, “what does this make us?”

Chris shrugs, like it’s the easiest question in the world. “Whatever you want.” He stands up and folds the towel, before handing over Sebastian’s clothes. “It can just be friends helping each other out, it doesn’t have to mean anything.”

That makes Sebastian pause. _Helping each other._ Chris _does_ get something out of this, too. The thought makes Sebastian’s stomach flip, but he’s not sure if he should let on. He clears his throat. 

“This is a bit weirder than helping a buddy move in exchange for pizza and beer,” Sebastian says jokingly as he slides into his shirt. “I’ve never done anything like this with a friend before.”

Chris shrugs again. Easy. No big deal. “First time for everything.” He bats Sebastian’s hands away gently to button his shirt for him. “What do _you_ want?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian answers seriously.

Chris seems intrigued by his response more than anything. He runs his hand through Sebastian’s hair and gives the back of his neck a steadying squeeze. “Well, we’ll figure it out. No rush.” He kisses Sebastian’s forehead again. “How do you feel? All right?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you sleep okay?” Chris is still close to him, leaning his forehead against Sebastian’s. It feels safe, and Sebastian closes his eyes. 

“Yeah, I slept okay.”

“Good.”

He isn’t sure why he says it, but it comes tumbling out of his mouth, “I jerked off. After – after going through the list.”

For some reason, he expects to be scolded, but Chris only tilts his head. “What made you want to?”

Sebastian can feel his face turning red. “I don’t – I don’t know, I just – I thought of. I thought of you, doing…any of it, and I was…”

Chris’s eyes flash, and he licks his lips. He opens his mouth to say something, but a knock on the front door cuts him short.

“Chris?” Anthony’s voice calls out from the hallway, “Seb’s not answering his door so could you find him? Make sure he’s not still asleep, we’re about to head out.”

Something like disappointment settles over Chris’s face as he looks toward the door, but by the time he looks back at Sebastian, it’s gone. “We should get ready,” he tells Sebastian, smiling. “Long plane ride ahead of us.”

Sebastian sleeps on the plane, slumped against Chris’s side. He wakes up several times to the feeling of fingers playing with his hair, but pretends he’s still asleep until he dozes off again.

The dressing rooms in Germany are small. Sebastian’s reminded of his high school theatre class. They manage to squeeze a recliner next to the mirror and an end table by the door, but it’d feel much less claustrophobic without them. He’s needlessly grouchy from poor sleep and jet lag, and stalls with getting ready.

He’s only in a shirt and boxers when there’s a quiet knock on the door, and he peeks out to see Chris grinning shyly from the hallway. “Hey.”

Sebastian forgets himself and opens the door, stepping aside, and Chris snickers. “Goin’ out like that?”

Sebastian scoffs. “We don’t go on for another hour,” he says with mock irritation, “Excuse me for relaxing.”

“Sure, sure,” Chris says, smiling, and leans back into the table in what looks like an effort to seem nonchalant. “That’s...kind of what I was wondering.”

Sebastian swallows. “Huh?”

Chris shrugs. “You were just really wound up last time, I wanted to make sure that wasn’t the case. Or at least, if it was, I could fix it.”

Sebastian goes suddenly hot all over. He hopes he isn’t blushing. “Oh.”

“I mean if you’re – not…” He stands up straight and looks ready to bolt for the door. “I just wanted to check – ”

Sebastian grabs his arm. “Wait,” he tells the floor, and Chris stops moving. “I...it would help.”

“Okay,” Chris says, quiet and slow. After a breath, he backs Sebastian against the door, which sends a thrill up Sebastian’s spine. “What do you need from me?”

“I – I want…”

Chris waits for him to finish, but Sebastian’s too embarrassed. Finally, Chris offers, “Do you want me to get you off again?”

Sebastian nods, somewhat bewildered, and Chris smiles, kissing Sebastian’s jaw as he pushes Sebastian’s boxers off his hips takes his cock in his hand. “You’re such a good boy,” he says absently, and Sebastian lets out a low, soft breath.

“Hey,” Chris looks at him, “we don’t have a lot of time, Seb. This is just to help you relax. If you think you’re gonna – ”

“I’ll be good,” Sebastian blurts randomly, and Chris freezes. There’s a stab of panic in Sebastian’s chest until a smile spreads back over Chris’s face.

“I know you will.” There’s a hand on the back of Sebastian’s neck before he realizes Chris has moved. “Just stay with me this time, okay?”

Sebastian nods, heart jumping in his throat as Chris cradles the back of his head in his hand. “Be quiet, okay?” Chris says. “In case someone comes by.”

Sebastian nods, jolting in Chris’s grip when his hand starts to move. “Easy,” Chris says, and Sebastian curls forward, dropping his head into the crook of Chris’s shoulder. The hand at his nape slides up to card fingers through his hair. It’s sweet and warm, and Sebastian absently kisses Chris’s throat.

Chris reacts a moment before letting go of Sebastian’s neck and dropping to his knees. Sebastian watches Chris take his cock in his mouth, hands pressing him back against the wall so that he can sag into his grip.

He can barely stand to look at him, cheeks hollowed, lips stretched. His eyes are focused hard on Sebastian’s face and it gives him the sensation of being pinned. “Chris – ”

Chris’s tongue slides along the underside of Sebastian’s cock, head to hilt and back again, watching Sebastian’s face as he struggles to keep from falling apart too soon. Even bowing at his feet, Chris somehow manages to exude complete control. He watches Sebastian unblinkingly as he sucks gently at the head, sliding down.

Sebastian jerks, slumping forward, and Chris slides a hand as far up as he can reach to pin him harder against the wall. Sebastian’s head spins and Chris hums, quiet and pleased against Sebastian’s skin.

“ _Chris_.”

Chris bobs his head up and down until Sebastian can’t stand it, his knees giving underneath him as he comes down Chris’s throat.

Chris holds him up until he’s finished, then slowly lets him slide onto the floor until he’s sitting next to Chris. There’s come on his lip and Sebastian forgets himself, leaning forward and licking it off before he thinks it through.

Chris startles, but recovers by the time Sebastian goes for a kiss, groaning at the taste of himself on Chris’s tongue. Chris lets out a soft appreciative sound as Sebastian crawls into his lap, kissing him until he’s practically gasping into Chris’s mouth.

“We have to go,” Chris tells him gently, petting hair behind his ear. “Lemme clean you up real quick, okay?”

Sebastian grins and nods, and Chris sits him back in the chair and dabs at his face with water before pouring him a glass. “Get your pants on, Seb,” he says with a smirk, kissing his cheek. “I’ll see you out there.”

Sebastian watches him go in silence. It takes him another few minutes to gather the mentality to finish getting dressed in the grey suit Chris requested.


	2. Chapter 2

They spend the rest of the tour taking time to themselves whenever they can. Chris picks out what Sebastian wears for the day, gets him off before they go out, and Sebastian is able to spend the day calm and level-headed until the evening, when he goes back to Chris. He likes Chris to fuck his throat. Other things cause him to slide under, but something about being on his knees swallowing Chris down as hard as he can sends him there faster than anything else. The time they have together is usually too brief for Sebastian not to be impatient.

Sometimes, when they can spare the time, Chris will still go slow, jerking Sebastian off while his free hand is wrapped loosely around his throat, waiting patiently for him to drop before letting him come in his mouth. He lets Sebastian stay for an hour or so after, coming back to himself as Chris strokes his hair. Every once in a while, Chris will hold him down, or cover his mouth to keep him quiet.

He always makes Sebastian go back to his own room by the end of the night. Sebastian assumes it’s to keep his distance. Whatever they end up being is apparently up to Sebastian, but either he doesn’t want to force an influence or he just wants to keep Sebastian from choosing anything too emotionally invested.

At their hotel in Italy, Sebastian’s sink leaks. He doesn’t want to complain to the front desk, but it makes it nearly impossible to sleep. He tries sticking a sock in the faucet, which works until he’s suddenly worried he could break the sink, which would make him an even worse guest than someone who complains.

He’s headed down the hallway when he runs into Chris at the ice machine. “What’re you doing up?” They ask in unison.

Chris grins. “I’m all thrown off from jet lag. I was gonna make a drink.” He rattles the bucket. “You?”

Sebastian chews on his lip. It sounds like a line. “I – my sink...drips. I don’t – I’m not picky, I just...can’t sleep.”

Chris shrugs. “I have two beds, if you want.”

Sebastian tries not to make it obvious he’s disappointed. “Two beds?”

Chris puts a little more ice in his bucket before answering, “Yeah, a couple of us got double rooms. They ran out of singles. I think some other movie’s in town or something.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian says with a sigh. “Well, that’s...that’s fine.”

Chris smirks at the bucket when he says, “We don’t have to go to bed right away.”

Chris makes him a drink when they get to his room, sipping his own before asking, “Are you okay? Is this okay? You seem kind of nervous.”

“I’m fine,” Sebastian tells his drink. “Just tired.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask if there’s anything else you wanted? I know we kind of have limited means around here but is there anything you want to try? I mean, since you’re staying here for the night…”

Sebastian wants to sleep in his bed, but he worries that particular option is off the table. He shrugs. “You can be rougher to me, you know. I mean, I’m not...I like it.”

Chris nods. “Okay.”

He doesn’t say anything else, and Sebastian doesn’t either. He takes another sip of his drink.

“Rougher how?” Chris finally asks.

“Just...you don’t have to be so gentle, I guess. You can push me around. T – talk.” He remembers what Chris had said the first time. _You were made for this._ His skin gets hot, and he looks at the floor, shy. “I dunno.”

Chris grabs his chin, and Sebastian startles. “I need you to be clear with me, Sebastian.”

“Order me,” is what quickly falls from Sebastian’s mouth before he even realizes he wants to say it. Chris blinks at him, confused. That hadn’t been what he was expecting, considering the track they were just on, but he recovers quickly.

He glances down at the drink in Sebastian’s hand. “Either finish that or put it down.” Sebastian downs it quickly and hands him the empty glass. “Good boy,” Chris says, smiling as he sets the glass down away from them. “I’m going to take a bath,” he says. “While I’m gone, I want you to pack up my suitcase. Leave out an outfit for the morning.”

Sebastian nods. “Yes, sir.”

“I don’t have any particular order for things, just keep them neatly folded, everything in separate piles. If it’s not to my liking you’re going to have to do it again.” Sebastian nods again. His body is oddly light. Chris eyes him for a moment before adding, “If you’re finished before I get done, I want you to fix yourself a drink. Whatever you want, it doesn’t have to be alcohol.”

“Yes, sir.”

Chris presses his hand against the back of Sebastian’s neck to kiss the crown of his head. It’s somehow more controlling than anything else they’ve done, and something warm spreads through Sebastian’s chest. “Good boy.”

When the bathroom door closes behind Chris, Sebastian sets to work on his luggage, folding everything as neatly as he can into straight little piles. By the time Chris walks out of the bathroom back in his pajamas, Sebastian is sitting on the bed beside his open suitcase, halfway through his second rum and coke.

At Chris’s presence, Sebastian gets the urge that he should stand, and hops to his feet. Chris smiles, and peers into his suitcase. “Very nice,” he says with an air of surprise as if he hadn’t expected Sebastian to meet his standards. Sebastian can’t blame him. Chris has seen Sebastian’s packing, and he never bothers to be so neat with his own things.

“Very good,” Chris repeats cheerfully, one hand running through Sebastian’s hair as the other snatches the drink from his hand. He tugs once, very lightly on Sebastian’s hair, testing to make sure this is what he needs. Sebastian lets his eyes slide closed, and Chris yanks hard, making Sebastian’s head jerk back with a sharp cry. Chris doesn’t let go. “Get on your knees.”

Sebastian drops like a stone at Chris’s feet, and Chris still hasn’t let go of his hair. There’s a buzzing in Sebastian’s stomach, excited and pleased as he waits for instructions. He can sense Chris shift to sit on the bed, and Sebastian opens his eyes.

He expects Chris to shuffle out of his pants, but he doesn’t. He tugs hard at Sebastian’s hair again. This time Sebastian only allows himself a soft whimper at the back of his throat. Chris narrows his eyes. “Open,” he says, and Sebastian opens his mouth instantly.

Tipping Sebastian’s chin up, Chris presses the glass to his lips, and Sebastian shivers as the drink slides over his tongue. There isn’t much left, and Chris sets down an empty glass. “Would you like water?” Sebastian isn’t really thirsty, but the idea of Chris pouring the bottle in his mouth makes him nod.

Dropping the hold he has on Sebastian’s hair, Chris gets up to pull a bottle from the minibar before sitting back on the edge of the bed and tipping it against his lips. “Good boy,” he says as he pulls the bottle away. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

Unsure if he should answer aloud, Sebastian nods, and Chris leans forward. There’s a thrill about being on his knees while Chris kisses him, being lower. It makes him dizzy and warm, like he’s about to slide under. He whimpers when Chris tries to pull away, and Chris stops.

Sebastian cranes his neck to continue the kiss, and Chris grabs a fistful of his hair, pulling him back. Sebastian gasps, and Chris kisses him harder, making Sebastian’s head spin. When he pulls away again, Chris searches his face for a moment. He rolls his thumb over Sebastian’s cheek and asks, “Do you need to come?”

Chris had jerked him off hours ago, before their interviews. He had slipped into his dressing room before Sebastian was even changed and pulled him onto his lap. He hasn’t touched him since. The alcohol hitting his system is making him relaxed and a little needy. Sebastian nods, and Chris tugs on his hair again. “Manners, Sebastian. Use your words.”

“Yes – ” Sebastian says breathlessly, “yes, sir, I want to come, please.”

Chris watches him quietly. “Let go, Sebastian, it’s all right,” he says finally. “I’m going to be right here to take care of you.” Sebastian nods again, feeling dizzy, and Chris takes him by the shoulders and hoists him up, dragging him between his legs. “I want you to let go.”

Sebastian nods, and Chris cradles his head gently, watching his eyes. After a moment, he slides his hand into the front of his pajama bottoms. A whine bursts from Sebastian’s chest and he slides forward, trying to bite it back, but Chris tugs at his hair again.

“No,” he says sharply, “don’t do that. I want you to let go,” he says again, firmly. Sebastian nods, falling against Chris’s leg with a groan. He’s barely starting to shiver when he comes. Chris wipes his hand on his leg and kisses him. “Good boy,” he says lovingly, but when Sebastian reaches for his lap, he pushes his hand away.

“I’m all right,” he says, kissing Sebastian again. “I’m all right, look at me.” Sebastian stares back at him, eager, but Chris doesn’t ask anything more of him. They stay like that, Chris watching his face and stroking his hair. Chris doesn't say anything, and Sebastian waits.

“How do you feel?” Chris asks after a moment. “Good?”

Sebastian nods. “Yes, sir.”

Chris smiles, tucking hair behind Sebastian’s ear and kissing him again, gentle and quick. “Get in bed.” He nods toward the other bed, and Sebastian crawls into it, sighing to himself. Chris is at his side a moment later with a cool damp cloth to wipe him down. Sebastian watches for a moment before leaning up, licking his lips pointedly until Chris leans down to kiss him again.

The kiss deepens suddenly, unexpectedly, and Sebastian shifts greedily, hoping to pull Chris into this bed with him. Chris tucks a hand behind Sebastian’s head and makes a pleased little sound before Sebastian’s fingers curl into the collar of Chris’s shirt.

“Hey,” Chris says, his voice infuriatingly gentle as he misunderstands Sebastian’s intentions. “I said I was okay, it’s okay.” Sebastian frowns. He wants to tell Chris it isn’t just for him, but there’s no way to make it not sound like he’s pouting, so Sebastian lets his hand drop. Chris gives him a smile and kisses his cheek before returning to his own bed.

The next morning, Chris makes Sebastian shower first before gently pushing him out the door. They don’t share a room again.

Sebastian doesn’t let it bother him as they hop from hotel to hotel, but when the tour is over and they land in New York, he panics. “Are you headed home tonight?”

Chris looks back at the doors that open out to the lines of shuttles that would take him to the train station. “Um,” he starts, but Sebastian talks over him before he can change his mind.

“You can stay with me.” It sounds like too much and Sebastian flounders, the rest of his words coming out in a rush. “Get some sleep, yanno. Worry about heading home tomorrow.”

When Chris looks back at him, he’s smiling. “Is that all you have in mind?”

Sebastian grins, shifting the duffle bag strap on his shoulder. “We could have dinner.” Chris glances back at the shuttles before walking back toward Sebastian. 

“Lead the way, kid.”

The ride in the taxi to Sebastian’s place is quiet and Sebastian is convinced of a level of tension that he can tell isn’t actually there. Chris is smiling and friendly to their driver, and pays when they arrive. He hoists Sebastian’s carry-on over his shoulder, and Sebastian gets the impression that he’s almost being courted as he effortlessly wheels his suitcase after him.

Chris waits patiently at the door as Sebastian fiddles with his keys. “You didn’t have to take that,” he says, nodding to his duffle bag.

Chris grins and shrugs. “I thought you said I was _’definitely stronger.’_ ” Sebastian rolls his eyes, which only seems to egg Chris on. “I don’t want you to strain yourself,” he teases.

“Ha,” Sebastian answers sarcastically, nudging him inside. Chris giggles as he sets the bag down by the door and looks around. 

“Which is mine?” he asks, gesturing to the doors down the hall. “Just so I can keep my stuff out of the way.”

Sebastian hesitates before pointing toward his room. “Last door on the right.” Chris wheels his suitcase in and sets it up against the wall. He glances inside, and Sebastian has a momentary wash of panic at the thought that Chris can somehow tell it’s his room and not a guest room, but he doesn’t say anything.

“So,” Chris says as he walks back into the living room, “what did you have in mind?”

Sebastian knows what he wants, but isn’t sure how to ask for it. The tour has been so draining and the plane ride made his muscles tense. “I wasn’t kidding about dinner,” he admits, and Chris smiles at him fondly. “But I wanted...uh, first…”

Chris waits patiently for a moment before prompting, “What do you need, Seb?”

“You – well, I guess _I_ mentioned...tying me up, earlier,” he starts shakily. “I – I mean I know you were probably joking, but – ”

“I wasn’t joking,” Chris says reassuringly, and an odd tension that had been throbbing in Sebastian’s shoulders loosens slightly. “Is that all you need? Do you want me to tie you to anything? Your bed? A chair?”

“Chair,” Sebastian says without thinking, and Chris nods.

“Do you want me to do anything to you?”

Sebastian feels a chill. “Yes,” he says. “But I want...I want you to decide.”

Chris’s eyes light up at that, and Sebastian’s chest swells the way it does when Chris praises him. “Do you have anything I can use to tie you down?” Sebastian nods. He has a few silk ties in his closet. “Okay,” Chris says, “go get it. I’ll get you a chair.”

When Sebastian comes back, one of his kitchen chairs is sitting in the middle of the living room. Chris smiles at the ties in his hands. “Why haven’t you worn any of these?” he asks, pleasantly surprised.

Sebastian looks down at them curiously. “Would you like me to?”

“Some other time,” Chris says gently. “Go ahead and sit down.”

Sebastian sits, still and relaxed with his heels flush against the front legs of the chair and his arms flat against the armrests. Chris looks somewhat amused as he kneels to tie his wrists and ankles.

“Sure you haven’t done this before?” he asks. Sebastian nods, and Chris pats his knee gently before going back to tying him down. Sebastian expects the restriction to make him go tense, but instead it’s like he’s slowly going limp.

When Chris is finished, he asks, “Is that too tight?”

It’s a bit of an effort for Sebastian to shake his head. His whole body has gone sluggish and heavy. It doesn’t matter, anyway. Chris still double checks, poking his fingers through each tie. Sebastian’s body is tingling from the soft bite into his skin, and his thoughts are quiet.

“How’s it feel?” Chris asks, running his hand through Sebastian’s hair. The touch makes Sebastian a little dizzy, and it takes him a moment to nod.

“S’good,” he slurs quietly, and Chris’s eyes go dark. It makes Sebastian feel wanted, a thrum rolling through his body. The hand in his hair slides to his cheek.

“I’m going to shave your face,” he says after a moment. “Is that okay?”

Sebastian nods again.

“Do you want more than that?”

Sebastian shakes his head. He wants Chris to do what he wants. Nothing else. Not now. Chris seems to understand. He nods. “I’ll be right back.”

Chris is only gone for a moment before he returns with a bowl of water and Sebastian’s shaving foam and razor. He kisses Sebastian’s forehead before smearing shaving cream on his face. “Tip your head back,” he says gently, pushing Sebastian’s head back against the chair before he can do it himself. 

Sebastian’s head swims a little and closes his eyes at the nip of a wet blade running up under his chin. His every nerve is singing.

“I’m heading back to Boston tomorrow, so I want to take you somewhere nice for dinner,” Chris says, his voice soft as if afraid someone else will overhear. Sebastian shivers at the feeling of his breath against his face. “But I want you to look good for me.”

Sebastian nods, swallowing the foolish instinct to tell him he can stay longer than a night. As long as he wants. He wants him here, but it’s irrational to say so. They’ve only been at this for a little over a month.

Still, when Chris is done with Sebastian’s chin and pulls his head back up to shave the rest of his face, he opens his eyes to watch Chris’s expression. Chris’s tongue pokes out for a second as he scrapes the blade under Sebastian’s bottom lip, and Sebastian is too light-headed to realize he’s moved until Chris tisks with more exasperation than he’s obviously feeling, “Quit smiling.”

Pointing it out only causes Sebastian to laugh, relaxed and uninhibited. He feels almost drunk. Chris smirks and flicks his ear. “We’re not going anywhere if you’re gonna have half a five o'clock shadow,” he says teasingly, and Sebastian nods and swallows down a giggle. Chris waits before going back to shaving his face.

Chris takes his time, and Sebastian lets his eyes fall shut as the blade scrapes over his face. It’s calming, gentle. It’s different without sex involved, the same sort of protected calm that had settled over Sebastian when Chris had bathed him during the tour. Just warmth and quiet and safety.

 _I want you to look good for me._ Something clicks in Sebastian’s head at the thought. He wants it, too. To look good for Chris. To make him happy. He wants to be good.

When he’s done, Chris runs his hand over Sebastian’s face. “Perfect,” he says quietly, almost to himself. Sebastian’s lips part as Chris runs his thumb over his mouth, and Chris asks, “Are you sure that’s all you want?”

Sebastian nods. “Want – want to look good for you,” he manages.

Chris lets out a heavy breath. “Oh, good boy,” he says quietly, cradling Sebastian’s head when it starts to loll forward. “You’re such a good boy, Sebastian, look at me.” Sebastian blinks a few times before Chris comes into focus, smiling gently at him. “You look perfect.”

Sebastian smiles back at him, and Chris leans forward to kiss his forehead again. “Let’s go to dinner first,” he says, his voice sweet. “I can reward you after.”

Sebastian nods, his mouth going dry.

“Are you ready for me to undo this?” 

Sebastian looks down at the chair. “Can you kiss me?” he asks his feet. It comes out of his mouth so easily, he wonders why he ever had trouble with it before. When Chris tips his chin up, he’s grinning, and Sebastian feels somehow accomplished. 

The kiss is tender and too brief, and Sebastian is somehow already light-headed by the time Chris pulls away. “Ready?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris tugs at the ties at his wrists first. When Sebastian reaches to help untie his ankles, Chris bats at his hands. He pulls Sebastian to his feet as he finishes, smirking when Sebastian stumbles into him.

“Go change,” Chris says with a gentle push. “All black. It’s a good look on you.” Sebastian nods, and Chris looks down at the ties in his hand. “This tie,” he adds, tossing a lavender one back at him. Sebastian nods as he catches it and wanders back into his room.

He’s still changing when he hears Chris from the doorway. “I thought you said this was my room.”

“Yeah,” Sebastian answers nervously, missing a loop on his belt as he tries too hard to look casual.

Chris is at his side without warning, threading the belt correctly without meeting Sebastian’s eyes. “This is _your_ room,” Chris says as he latches the buckle. “You only have one room?”

“I feel like we’re a little past you staying on the fold-out, Chris.”

That makes Chris laugh. “Your guest bed is a fold-out?” When Sebastian nods, Chris laughs again, ruffling his hair. “Jesus, you’re hopeless.”

“Hey,” Sebastian grumbles, and Chris kisses his cheek as he slides his tie under his collar. Sebastian tilts his head automatically while Chris ties it. “Where are we going?”

Chris smiles. “Somewhere nice. You look good.” Something must flicker in Sebastian’s face at the words because Chris asks, “Do you need to come before we leave?”

Sebastian wants to say yes, but hesitates when he remembers what Chris had said before. _I’ll reward you after._ He wants to be good. He wants to deserve it. He wants to make Chris happy. He shakes his head. “After,” he tells him, and Chris smiles.

At the restaurant, Sebastian has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep still. When Chris notices, he gets up to walk past him and squeezes his neck. “Would you like me to get you a drink?” he says gently, and Sebastian nods.

When he comes back, he sets the drink down in front of Sebastian and squeezes his nape again. “Relax,” he says under his breath. Sebastian waits until Chris nods before bringing the drink to his mouth.

He can’t concentrate on the menu. Chris watches him fidget for a moment before frowning. “I shouldn’t have let you leave without – ”

“No,” Sebastian cuts him off. He wants to be good. He doesn’t want to let him down. He can be good. “I just need – ” he swallows nervously before asking, “Will you order for me?”

He doesn’t expect Chris to jump in his seat. He opens his mouth to take it back, embarrassed, before noticing Chris is breathing hard. “Yeah,” Chris says quietly, almost too quiet for Sebastian to hear. Something warm and calm settles over Sebastian and the air seems to go instantly still. It helps, giving Chris control of the night. His body relaxes a little more.

Chris gets a steak for himself and lobster for Sebastian, which makes Sebastian feel needlessly pampered, but he likes it. He can feel himself blushing as Chris makes the order and keeps his head down. If the waitress finds it odd, she doesn’t make any point of letting them know, smiling as she takes their menus and disappearing into the kitchen.

Chris calls him out of his thoughts by asking, “You sure that was okay? I can call her back.” Sebastian shakes his head, but Chris doesn’t look entirely convinced. “You just look kind of flushed.”

Sebastian chuckles awkwardly. “Yeah.”

Chris nods. “All right,” he says firmly, “I need you to go into the bathroom and rinse your face with cool water for me, okay?” Sebastian is nodding and on his feet before Chris is completely finished talking. “Take some deep breaths before coming back out here,” he adds before Sebastian starts for the bathroom.

The cool water helps, and after about three deep breaths Sebastian’s reflection seems to fade back to its normal colour. When he sits back down at the table, Chris is smiling. “Good boy,” he says a moment before their waitress returns to refill their water glasses.

Sebastian eats a little faster than he normally would, excited to go home. Chris seems like he notices, but doesn’t try to go any faster with his own meal, smirking to himself as he eats.

When they get in the car to go home, Chris reaches over and squeezes hard at the back of Sebastian’s neck. “You’ve been so good,” Chris tells him, fingers curling in the hair at the base of his skull. “Just be patient.”

The front door isn’t even completely shut before Chris grabs Sebastian by the shoulder. “Go get undressed and wait for me in the bedroom.” Sebastian is off like a shot, nearly tripping over himself as he tries to get out of his slacks.

Sebastian is completely naked by the time Chris walks in, still fully clothed, and Sebastian has a memory of sitting at the edge of a hotel bathtub before Chris starts to take off his jacket.

Sebastian reaches for Chris’s belt, but Chris slaps his hand away. “No. Get on the bed and wait for me.”

Sebastian nods and sits as patiently as he can, watching Chris take off his tie. He whimpers when Chris doesn’t bother to remove anything else, and Chris holds out the tie in his hand. “Arms out, wrists together.”

Sebastian obeys wordlessly, and Chris loops his tie around his outstretched wrists. Sebastian’s pulse quickens in his ears. Chris using his own tie is somehow different. Possessive. Chris squeezes his neck tightly until Sebastian looks up from his bound hands. 

“Do not come until I say. Do you understand?”

Sebastian shivers. “I – yes, sir.”

Chris nods, pushing Sebastian back onto the bed. “Good boy,” he says, turning back to the floor, rooting around Sebastian’s discarded clothes until he sits up with Sebastian’s tie. He slips it in between the tie around Sebastian’s wrists and tugs until he can wrap it around a space in the headboard.

Sebastian twists against it, giving it a few experimental pulls.

“Too much?”

“No, sir.”

“Good.” Chris runs a hand over Sebastian’s chest. “Now, stay still for me.” Sebastian nods, and Chris grins, leaning down to kiss his neck as his hand slides between Sebastian’s legs. Sebastian hisses between his teeth. He’s been desperate for some sort of touch since Chris tied him to his chair.

Chris must realize, clicking his tongue sympathetically. “You’ve been so good.” Sebastian’s breathing picks up, and Chris’s hand drags slowly over his cock. “I wonder if I could train you to come on command,” he says against Sebastian’s jaw. “I wouldn’t even have to touch you, just say the word and have you come anytime I want you to.”

Sebastian jerks, the tie around his wrists tightening as he pulls forward. “Easy,” Chris whispers, smiling. “We’ll get to that. For now I want you to be still.” Sebastian swallows hard and tenses his hips back against the bed. “Very good,” Chris tells him, sliding down the bed.

He stops to kiss just below his ribs and Sebastian blurts, “ _God – !_ ”

Chris chuckles, a light puff of air against Sebastian’s skin. “Be still,” he warns again before taking Sebastian in his mouth.

Sebastian goes hot all over as Chris sucks him down, tongue rolling down the underside of his cock. It’s a tight, slick pressure and Sebastian’s eyes roll back in his head as he struggles to keep his hips against the bed. Chris drags his mouth back up to tongue the slit before rolling back down.

 _Don’t move don’t move don’t move_ Sebastian thinks blindly, his body vibrating as if he could come at any minute. _Can’t move can’t be still be still be still._ His legs tremble with the effort and Chris moans appreciatively, bobbing his head up and down until Sebastian begs, “Please…”

Chris pulls off abruptly. “No.” He reaches for the tie tethered to the bed, pulling it loose and yanking it hard enough to pull Sebastian up and off the bed, as he drops his own feet to the floor. Sebastian whines and Chris pulls his wrists down by the lead until Sebastian settles on his knees at Chris’s feet. Chris pets his head like a dog before unbuttoning his slacks and pushing them down his thighs.

Sebastian is shaking when Chris cups his jaw. “Not until I say, Sebastian.”

“Yes, sir,” he mumbles. It’s harder to keep still now that there’s no friction on his cock, and he shifts helplessly against himself. Chris’s thumb curls over his teeth, and he tugs Sebastian’s head toward his dick.

“Go on,” he says, his hand sliding to the back of Sebastian’s neck to push him the rest of the way, and Sebastian stretches his mouth open eagerly. Chris sighs as Sebastian starts to bob his head, a little clumsy without the use of his arms for balance, but it’s not for long before Chris’s hands clench in his hair to hold him still.

“ _Fucking perfect,_ ” Chris growls under his breath, his hips jerking earnestly. Sebastian’s body starts to sag, heavy and warm and controlled, and he feels a shiver roll through Chris’s body. “That’s it,” Chris says breathlessly as Sebastian’s mouth goes slack, “good boy, good – _fuck._ ”

Chris curls forward and Sebastian tastes precome in his mouth when he hears, “ _Now._ ”

Sebastian’s body goes limp with relief, Chris coming down his throat seconds before his own orgasm wracks through him, rutting shamelessly against himself.

He’s still coming together when he becomes aware of Chris peppering kisses on his face. “Such a good boy,” he mumbles over and over against his skin, “such a good boy.”

“Chris,” Sebastian pants, words on the tip of his tongue, _I want you to stay._ He’s shaking and endorphin-drunk and he knows Chris would if he’d just ask. It doesn’t have to be over if he could just get the words out of his mouth. “I – I want...”

The rest stays locked behind his teeth, and Chris prompts, voice breathless, “Want what?” Sebastian looks down, and Chris misinterprets. “O – oh,” he says shyly, reaching down to tug his wrists free. He lifts them up to his lap to rub the blood back into his hands, and Sebastian watches silently.

_Just say it._

Sebastian swallows audibly, and Chris glances up. “Thank you.”

Chris only smiles.

That night, Sebastian falls asleep with Chris’s chest against his back. As he’s drifting he feels Chris planting kisses along the back of his neck. He tries to say something about it, appreciative and happy, but all that comes out is an exhausted little sigh that makes Chris squeeze him tighter for a second.

It’s the best Sebastian has slept in years.

It seems like far too early the next morning that they have to get up to take Chris to the train station. Sebastian is still half-asleep when they’re headed out. Chris opens the door, but then shuts it again and kisses Sebastian hard enough to press him against the door. 

Chris hasn’t really done this of entirely his own volition until now, pulling Sebastian into a kiss that lasts almost a minute. “Call me if you need me,” Chris says earnestly against his mouth, pulling Sebastian closer than he needs to be. “I don’t care what time it is, or how long it’s been…”

Sebastian lets himself be pushed into a corner, controlled. He’s not sure when he’ll have this again. Chris obviously intends to do something if Sebastian asks for it, but with almost two hundred miles between them he isn’t really sure what it would be. “Okay.”

Chris looks like he wants to say something else, but he just smiles and runs his hand through Sebastian’s hair. The ride to the station is more or less silent, but when Sebastian pulls up to the drop-off, Chris leans forward and kisses him. It’s over before Sebastian has the wherewithal to respond, and Chris is already closing the car door behind him by the time he’s collected himself enough to shout goodbye.


	3. Chapter 3

Coming back to an empty home hits Sebastian harder than he would have expected. It seems unnaturally empty without someone to talk to. He looks at the clock reading 9am before crawling back into bed to get more sleep.

He wakes up well after 1pm, a text on his phone from when Chris arrived in Boston. It’s awkward to respond to it so much later. Chris had probably wondered why he was being ignored. By now he’s most likely forgotten about it. Sebastian isn’t even sure what to say. He stares at it for a few seconds before putting his phone away without responding. He spends the rest of the day trying not to think about it.

The first few days after Chris goes home feel off, but Sebastian isn’t sure how to qualify it against the way he would normally feel after coming home from such a draining experience. He’s never been on press tours before, but days after filming wrap-ups were usually disorienting enough.

He’s too afraid to contact Chris, and Chris doesn’t try texting him again. 

After the first few mornings, he jerks off in the shower to thoughts of Chris tying his hands behind his back and keeping him on his knees, and it’s enough.

Until, quite suddenly, it isn’t.

It stops being enough so abruptly that at first Sebastian doesn’t fully notice. He assumes it’s other things. Headaches, nervous energy from all the jetlag. He spends longer hours at the gym to run himself down but it never quiets the roaring in his head.

It doesn’t make sense. It’s only been a few weeks since he saw Chris last. Barely a month. Maybe less. Probably less. Time seems to move so much slower since Chris left for Boston.

_It’s so loud. Was it always this loud?_

All at once, he can barely hold it together. His head is pounding and everything is too much. He’s like a raw nerve exposed, every possible sensation is an onslaught. He’s humiliated to find himself surfing for porn – _domination, submitting, binding_ – and even more humiliated as it doesn’t satiate anything.

The first time he picks up his phone, he tells himself he’s an idiot. Chris lives three hours away. He’s not going to drop everything and hop a train just to get Sebastian off. So he turns off his phone and goes to a club instead, picking up a girl who looks like she’d be into holding him down.

She’s eager when he asks for it, but is too easily distracted to help. She’s strong, but every time he fucks into her, her grip falters. A few days later, he tries again with another girl who pulls his hair but little else. 

He stares at his phone every few nights, thumbing through his contacts, but never making the call he wants.

He goes to other bars, hoping men will be different, but they aren’t. One holds him against the wall while he fucks him, but eases off when Sebastian pushes back – unsure and nervous.

It’s too hard to be clear with them. He’s too easily embarrassed, convinced he can sense their judgement. 

He’s able to suck off a few guys without having to ask for much. They tend to grab his hair and thrust, regardless. But he doesn’t know them, and he doesn’t feel safe. It isn’t enough. It isn’t what he wants.

He’s already on the train when he thinks to call Chris. “I’m gonna be in town,” he says as Chris answers.

“That’s great!” Chris says. “When?”

Sebastian looks at his watch. “About two hours.”

By the time Chris answers the door, Sebastian has the ridiculous urge to drop to his knees. Chris’s face is instantly affectionate. “Hey,” he says gently. “Sorry, the place is a mess. I was at my brother’s when you called.” Sebastian finds the presence of mind to nod. “You all right? You sounded kind of…” He trails off, and his expression turns tense. Sebastian isn’t being convincing enough. “Sebastian? Is everything okay?”

There’s no point in lying. Sebastian shakes his head, and Chris leans a hand against the door. “Do you need me?” Sebastian takes a deep breath and nods.

Chris cups his hand around Sebastian’s neck to lead him inside, and Sebastian shivers, hard enough that Chris notices and squeezes at his nape. “Sebastian…” he sounds somewhat alarmed, close to scolding, and Sebastian gives in – his knees hitting the floor as Chris shuts the door behind him. It’s soothing. He’s where he should be. The cacophony in his head finally reduces in volume.

“Jesus _Christ._ ”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian says automatically, his hands shaking as Chris leans down to cup his jaw. It’s enough to make him dizzy, and he has to close his eyes before he keeps talking. “I’m sorry, I wanted – I should’ve…”

“Deep breath, Sebastian. Talk to me.”

Sebastian shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk. He can talk later, when everything slows back down. “Should’ve asked sooner,” he finally forces out. “Needed...I’m sorry.”

Chris nods. “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “You don’t need to apologize, just tell me what you need.” His voice is light, patient. Sebastian is kneeling and babbling at his feet and Chris is still trying to have a normal conversation. He’s waiting for Sebastian’s green light before switching dynamics.

“I need it,” Sebastian says, inexplicably hoarse. “I – I want,” he falters, embarrassed, and reaches out to latch onto the waist of Chris’s jeans. “Let me,” he tries again, and Chris runs a hand through Sebastian’s hair before tugging gently at his neck, pulling him back to his feet.

“Okay, okay. But c’mere, lemme sit down.”

Sebastian nods, stumbling a little to follow Chris to the couch before crouching at his feet again. Chris opens his fly before petting back Sebastian’s hair. “Only what you want,” he says, “remember?” 

Sebastian nods again, but he’s barely listening, practically crawling into Chris’s lap, guiding his cock into his mouth. 

Chris sucks in a breath through his teeth and Sebastian slides his lips down the shaft, eyes falling shut as Chris’s fingers thread into his hair. It’s better than he remembers, heavy and solid, and Chris’s fingers clench tight and hold him still. He thrusts once, shallow, and Sebastian’s eyes roll back as he groans.

“Good boy,” he hears, breathless and far away, “such a good boy.” 

He knows he’s slipping when sounds around him start to echo. His eyes crack open but he can’t focus them. He doesn’t fight it. He doubts he could even if he wanted to. It’s better than it was before, after the weeks spent without it. Deeper, somehow. He watches as Chris’s head falls back against the couch, the line of his throat blurred with hazy vision. Chris moves in aborted little thrusts, and Sebastian keens, begging as much as he can manage.

He hears Chris murmur something as his thrusts pick up speed, but the words run together. It doesn’t matter. He can’t hear anymore. He can’t see. He can’t think. He just _wants._ Harder. More. As long as it doesn’t stop. He can feel himself moaning against Chris’s skin, and Chris’s body tenses.

He tugs Sebastian’s hair to signal an out, but Sebastian doesn’t take it, dragging his mouth back to the head and sucking harder.

Chris is still coming when he pulls Sebastian off him, painting stripes over his neck. It’s like a claim, and Sebastian lets out a whine that causes Chris’s grip in his hair to tighten. They’re both breathing hard when Chris says, “Look at me.”

Sebastian nods before realizing he hadn’t asked a question. It takes him several seconds to understand what the words mean together and focus on Chris’s face.

“That’s it,” Chris says weakly, “good boy, Sebastian.” He leans forward and opens Sebastian’s pants, pulling his cock out of his boxers. “Just keep looking at me, okay?”

Sebastian doesn’t want to look at anything else. He shivers as Chris starts to jerk him off, his other hand holding Sebastian’s face, forcing him to keep eye contact. At first, Sebastian thinks he’s trying to keep him from sliding back, which seems odd and almost unfair, and he makes a sound like an undignified sort of whimper.

Chris watches him, eyes dark, and the hand at Sebastian’s face slides to his throat, wiping at the come on his skin. It takes Sebastian a moment to realize he’s not cleaning it away, but smearing it in. The air is suddenly too thin, and he’s panting for a breath.

“That’s it,” Chris whispers, his voice is somehow so much closer than he is – hissed right against his ear. “Come for me.”

The blood pounding in Sebastian’s ears deafens him to everything else. His whole body feels like white noise and his head falls forward. Pieces slide and lock into place.

He isn’t aware of time passing, but when Sebastian opens his eyes, he’s lying on Chris’s bed. At first he thinks Chris left him there alone, but before he can panic, whatever he’s using as a pillow shifts under his head.

A shoulder.

A wall of warm body suddenly presses up against Sebastian’s back, and an arm drops over his middle, abrupt and heavy. He squirms, thinking Chris is awake when he squeezes Sebastian tighter, but when he manages to crane his neck to look behind him, Chris’s eyes are shut.

The sight makes him warm, and he bites his lip to keep from smiling, feeling inexplicably foolish. Chris lets out a sleepy sigh and buries his nose into the crook of Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian freezes when Chris’s nose brushes his jaw. It’s too light, too innocent, and makes his stomach flip oddly. He shuffles over to face Chris as much as he can before taking his mouth in his own.

Chris doesn’t wake up instantly, and when he does it’s with the sharp, sleepy gasp of someone perfectly willing to keep sleeping if they hadn’t been jarred by an outside source. Sebastian doesn’t have time to feel guilty before Chris kisses back.

“Sorry,” Chris grumbles against Sebastian’s mouth. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. Are you okay? Need anything? You were pretty out of it.” Before Sebastian can answer he reaches back to the bedside table behind him and passes him a water bottle.

Sebastian sits up and tips it into his mouth gratefully for a few gulps before answering, “I’m fine. I fell asleep, too, I think.”

Chris watches him evenly. “Yeah, that’s not surprising,” he says, and Sebastian takes another nervous sip of water. “I mean, you were pretty out of it when you _got_ here.”

“Oh.” Sebastian looks guiltily down at the water bottle in his hands. “Yeah, I – ” He’s not sure what to say. He stares at the bottle for another moment before finally settling on, “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Chris’s voice has an unexpected edge to it as he sits up to be eye level with Sebastian.

“Huh?”

“Why are you sorry?”

There’s a brief moment where Sebastian thinks it’s a trick question. He doesn’t know what the answer should be, so he answers truthfully, slowly. “I should’ve...come to you sooner.”

Chris nods, dropping back against the headboard. Sebastian fidgets as the silence stretches, going back to frowning at the water bottle. “I don’t want you letting it get that bad again.” Chris sounds genuinely angry, and Sebastian flinches. “I thought I – for a second I thought you’d crashed.” Sebastian chews guiltily on his lip. “I asked you questions and you sounded…”

He trails off, and Sebastian wants to ask what he’d said. Bits and pieces are coming back to him, slowly. Chris helping him to his feet. He’d stumbled like dead weight, and Chris caught him against his chest. He swallows. Asking what he’d said is only going to make Chris worry more about him. Chris’s voice cuts through his thoughts. “Look at me.”

Sebastian eyes him warily.

“Do you think you deserve to be punished?”

Sebastian isn’t prepared for the way his stomach bottoms out. “What?”

Chris seems to be gauging something. “Do you need to be punished?”

Something in Sebastian’s chest flutters, and he loses track of himself. Sweat slicks his grip on the plastic in his hands. Chris’s fingers curl around his jaw, forcing him to blink.

“Answer me.”

Sebastian’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. “Yes.”

Chris nods. He’s quiet for a moment, and Sebastian can practically see him mentally running through the list Sebastian had written. The thought of him going over it again and again – enough to memorize it – makes his pulse jump.

Once he’s decided on something, Chris looks back at his face. “I’m going to get your belt.” Sebastian’s hand automatically moves to his waist before realizing he’s not wearing his jeans. He doesn’t remember taking them off, but Chris is already on his feet, walking to the corner of the room.

“You were pretty locked in by the time we came in here,” Chris explains, picking Sebastian’s jeans up off the chair they were lying on. “I had to carry you, anyway.” Sebastian feels a flash of humiliation as the memory springs up from his words. Wrapping his arms tight around Chris’s neck and nuzzling into him like a cat. 

He looks nervously back at Chris, but he doesn’t seem to think anything of it. At least he no longer looks angry. “I just didn’t want you sleeping in your jeans. That’s always uncomfortable.”

When Chris is back in front of him holding Sebastian’s belt, he tips Sebastian’s chin to look him in the eye. “How many times did you want to call me before coming here?” he asks firmly.

Sebastian thinks for a moment. They all kind of blurred together toward the end. “About ten?” he answers softly. “At least…”

“Ten is a nice round number,” he says plainly. “I’m going to hit you. If you need me to stop or slow down before I’m finished, use the safewords. Do you understand me?” Sebastian nods, but Chris insists, “I want to hear you say them.”

Sebastian clears his throat. “‘Y – yellow’ to slow down, ‘red’ to stop.”

Chris nods. “Are you ready for this now? We can wait if you’re still…” Sebastian shakes his head, but Chris frowns and insists, “No, no nodding or head-shaking. Not with this. Tell me you’re ready, Sebastian.”

“I’m ready to be punished,” he says firmly, and then, realizing he’d made a mistake, adds, “Sir.”

Nodding again, Chris twists the belt in his hands. “Take these off and lay on your stomach,” he says, tugging the waistband of Sebastian’s boxers. Sebastian shimmies out of them and lies down.

“Would you like me to count them?” Sebastian thinks about it for a moment and nods.

The room is deadly quiet, and Sebastian screws his eyes shut, waiting.

The air cracks an instant before Sebastian feels anything at all, and then the sudden searing burn on his thighs mutes everything else. He cries out, and everything freezes. For a beat, it’s as if the world hit pause. Sebastian takes a steadying breath as he hears Chris say, “One.”

The belt rips through the air again, splitting the silence in half before landing just under the last blow. Sebastian shifts, lifting himself to meet the next hit. His face is burning. “Two.” When the belt comes down again, Sebastian moans, shame blooming up from his chest. It’s freeing to give into it like this. “Three.”

He can barely hear Chris over the pounding in his ears. He’s on his knees now, hands balled together, arms stretched out in front of him. The belt grazes his balls as it meets flesh again, and Sebastian groans, “ _God._ ”

He can hear a hitch in Chris’s voice when he says, “Four.”

Sebastian can’t help quietly begging, “Harder.” Chris does as he asks. Five and six are directly on top of each other, and Sebastian squirms, keening. His skin in on fire and he’s panting, tears are wet on his face and he just wants _more_.

He doesn’t realize how hard he is until the seventh strike makes his whole body jerk forward. He cries out again, and Chris pauses, waiting briefly for a safeword that won’t come. Chris’s voice has gone soft as he counts, like he doesn’t want to break the ringing silence of the room that follows each snap of the belt.

Sebastian rises to meet the next shot, muffling himself against his arm as the belt comes down again. “Eight,” Chris says quietly, sounding closer than he had when they started. Sebastian rolls his hips, trying to get friction against the open air, and Chris surprises him by saying, “You can come when I reach ten.”

Sebastian nods, nearly out of his mind with the way his body responds to the permission. “Thank you,” he chokes out helplessly. He doesn’t deserve it, this is supposed to be punishment. But Chris is too good for that.

The next one lands hard over already tender skin and Sebastian shivers. “Nine.” Chris sounds breathless and Sebastian is pleading mindlessly against the mattress, his legs spread as he tries fruitlessly to thrust against himself. 

Silence stretches for too long, and then the sharp ring of the belt slapping against Sebastian’s skin. “Ten,” Chris whispers, and Sebastian’s body seems to react on cue, white heat drowning out every other sensation as he comes over Chris’s bed.

When he comes down, Chris’s hand is in his hair. “One second,” he says, his voice warm, and Sebastian barely has time to protest before he’s back. Sebastian can’t see what’s in his hands, but then Chris sits at his feet on the bed and rubs something cool and soothing into his thighs.

When Sebastian looks up over his shoulder, Chris explains, “It’ll keep swelling down. Takes the worst of the sting out of it, too.” Sebastian nods, and Chris puts the tube of lotion down to crawl next to him. He lies down on his side so that they’re face-to-face, and Sebastian curls into him.

Chris pulls back enough to look him in the eye. “Hey.”

Sebastian smiles. “Hey.” His voice is hoarse, and Chris runs a hand through his hair.

“Do you still feel guilty?”

Sebastian is surprised to realize he doesn’t. Even after his punishment hadn’t felt like a punishment at all. He feels absolved. “I...no,” he says, surprise leaking into his voice. “I don’t.”

“Good.” Chris cards his fingers through Sebastian’s hair again. “Are you ready to talk about why you didn’t tell me?”

Sebastian opens his mouth to answer, but he falters. It sounds stupid, saying it now. “I didn’t...I thought it was over.” It sounds stupid because it _is_ stupid. Chris had left his apartment in New York insisting he was always welcome in Boston, telling him more than once to call him if he ever needed anything. The look on Chris’s face proves he’s running through the same thoughts.

“I mean, it felt weird. Coming to you when we aren’t working on anything together. Like – ” _Like a relationship._ But why is that bad? Maybe that’s what he wants. He shakes his head. Maybe it’s asking too much. “I’m sorry. I just...froze up.”

“That’s supposed to be exactly the kind of thing this whole set-up is supposed to prevent,” Chris scolds him. He sounds exasperated. “Is it me? Do you want to try this with – ”

“No.” Sebastian shakes his head. “No, you’re…” He catches himself wanting to say _the one I want,_ but there’s too much weight to it. He flounders for a moment before finally finishing, “Good.”

It sounds terrible, and Sebastian cringes, but relaxes a little at the sound of Chris laughing. “Thanks,” he says mockingly, and Sebastian works at looking nonchalant as he grins and shrugs it off.

“I just mean – I like this. I tried getting it from other people and it wasn’t…it didn’t work.” He expects Chris to look surprised or angry when he confesses to that, but he doesn’t. “I need this. I want this.”

Chris sighs. “Then you gotta tell me when you need my help, okay? I’m not a mind-reader. Especially not from two-hundred miles away.”

Sebastian sits up at that. He hesitates before asking, “What about ten?”

Chris squints at him. “What?”

“I mean – I could…there’s a hotel not far from here. I could, uh...I could check in, for a few days. I mean, I’m not working on anything.”

Chris isn’t saying anything, and Sebastian panics. “I mean, not if you’re – are you not okay with that? I can go home.” He shifts awkwardly, contemplating getting up right now and heading back to New York.

“Stop, stop.” Chris grabs his arm, and Sebastian wonders if Chris was lying about mind-reading. “I just – are _you_ okay with that? If you get stopped and asked what you’re doing here, what’s your answer going to be?”

“To see you,” Sebastian says slowly, not sure if it’s the right response.

Chris tilts his head. He looks oddly surprised. “That’s all?”

“We’re allowed to be friends, aren’t we?” It sounds strange to say out loud when they both know there’s more to it than that. Distancing. Sebastian frowns and looks down to where Chris’s hand is still wrapped around his elbow. “Are you worried about something?”

“No.” The answer comes quickly. Not panicked or overly-insistent, just honest. “I’m just making sure you’d be okay if anything came from it.”

Sebastian chuckles at that. “I’ve made out with a lot of guys on-screen, Chris,” he says with a shrug. “The rumors have been out about me since 2009.”

Chris lets go of his arm. “As long as you’re okay with it.” They’re both quiet for a moment and then Chris asks, “How many times did you hook up with someone else?”

Something rolls up Sebastian’s spine. “Six.” He swallows. “Are you going to hit me for them?”

Chris looks as if he’s considering it. “You’d be too numb for it now. We never discussed taking other people off the table. Do you feel guilty for them?” He doesn’t, so he shakes his head. “Then no, I’m not going to punish you.” Something is still off, and it takes Sebastian a moment to realize that he had wanted Chris to be jealous.

Chris makes them dinner while Sebastian showers. In need of a fresh shirt, he takes one from Chris’s closet that seems smaller than most of the others, unsurprised when it still seems to hang off of him. When he walks out into the living room, Chris grins. “That’s a good look for you,” he says, handing him a plate.

“You’re mocking your own clothes, genius,” Sebastian answers as he sits back on the couch.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Chris says as he sits next to him, turning on the TV for background noise. “I was being completely serious.” Sebastian still isn’t sure if he’s joking. At one point, Chris absently runs his hand over the back of Sebastian’s neck, and it makes his pulse jump.

When Sebastian offers to do the dishes, Chris laughs. “You don’t have to be my housewife, you know.”

Sebastian’s face heats up. “Yeah, well, it’s fair,” he says, gathering the dishes in his arms and going to dump them in the sink. “When I do the cooking, you can do the dishes.”

Chris follows him into the kitchen with raised eyebrows. “You cook?”

Sebastian makes a face. “I make a mean spaghetti, all right?” Chris smirks, leaning against the wall as he watches Sebastian load the dishwasher. “I’m not _completely_ hopeless.”

Chris clicks his tongue, and Sebastian jumps when arms are suddenly encircling his waist. “No,” Chris’s voice is friendly in his ear, “you’re not. I’d love spaghetti tomorrow, if you’re offering.” 

Sebastian twists in Chris’s grip until they’re facing each other. “Only if you’re offering to do the dishes.”

Chris snickers, kissing down Sebastian’s jaw. “Sure thing.”

At the end of the night, when Sebastian has to leave to check into the hotel downtown, he finds himself continually stalling. It’s past midnight when he lets Chris pull him into his lap on the couch and they make out like teenagers. He wants to ask to stay, but it’s too late now. He promised to check into a hotel.

He entertains the thought of jokingly bringing up that Chris owes him a favor after letting him stay in New York with him, but then all he can think is how he could have asked Chris to stay longer than one night, and he didn’t.

“I’ve gotta go,” he admits finally, terrible at hiding the disappointment in his voice.

Chris looks as if he’s thinking something over for a moment before nodding. “All right,” he says, patting Sebastian’s leg until he gets to his feet. “I’ll see you in the morning.” He walks Sebastian to the door and kisses him before opening it. “Text me when you wake up.” Sebastian nods, but Chris eyes him warily. “I mean it, don’t clam up on me again, okay?”

Sebastian nods again. “I won’t.”

They go out the next day. Chris lights up like a Christmas tree while showing off his city, and Sebastian is acutely aware of every time he can’t pull him into a kiss. Sebastian notices a few cameras, but not many, and Chris’s tactile reputation at least gives them the freedom to be nearly constantly touching, regardless. 

The sun is starting to set when they take a train down to the bay, and Sebastian goes instantly shy at the sight of it. He’s too obvious, and Chris notices. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” he says in a tone that makes Chris raise his eyebrows. “This just seems a bit…” he looks around to make sure everyone else is out of earshot before finishing awkwardly, “Makeout Point.”

Chris laughs, which makes Sebastian feel even more embarrassed. “It doesn’t have to be Makeout Point,” he says cheerfully, nudging Sebastian’s ribs. “You don’t have to wear my letterman if you don’t want. I can still get you home by 10.”

“Very funny.”

“Hey, you started it.” Chris is grinning, and Sebastian feels foolish for bringing it up. Chris sits down on a bench to watch the boats finding their ways to the dock, and Sebastian, after a few moments of hesitation, sits down next to him. Chris looks genuinely apologetic. “I was teasing,” he says, nudging Sebastian again.

Sebastian sticks out his tongue, and Chris shoves him. “Very mature.” They sit in silence for a minute, and then Chris asks, “So, where’d you go to high school?”

Sebastian makes a face. “What?”

“Hey, I promised the awkward first date experience. If you’re not gonna make out with me, then I deserve embarrassing childhood details.”

Sebastian scoffs. “Rockland Country. That was most of middle school, too.”

Chris raises his eyebrows again, and Sebastian looks awkwardly at his lap. “Private school, well, that should’ve been obvious,” he says teasingly. He doesn’t say anything else, which makes Sebastian curious.

“Weren’t you a good little Catholic schoolboy, or did I get that wrong?”

Chris throws his head back as he laughs. “Oh, so wrong. I was never good and only briefly little.” Sebastian grins. “I was a schoolboy, and I was Catholic, but the two never coincided. I went to Lincoln-Sudbury. Nice and boring, nice and public.”

“That’s a shame,” Sebastian says, “I would’ve greatly appreciated shots of you in a uniform.”

Chris snorts. “Unfortunately that’s a shame you’re going to have to bear alone. And don’t think I’ll forget about it, either. If I ever meet your mother, those photo albums are coming out.” A blush explodes over Sebastian’s face at the idea of Chris meeting his mother, but Chris doesn’t say anything about it. 

They talk a little more about high school, and Sebastian talks about college, which makes Chris bring up where his sister graduated. The subject of family gives them plenty to talk about. Chris loves his family, and wants everyone else to love them too. Sebastian smiles when Chris admits how much of his free time is spent at his mother’s house rather than his own.

“I just never see them anymore, with all the work,” Chris says with a shrug. “Any time I can, I’d just rather be around them.”

Sebastian can understand that. He wishes he lived closer to his mother. Chris asks him questions about her next, and Sebastian goes on. He keeps apologizing for rambling, but Chris doesn’t seem the slightest bit bored. By the time Sebastian runs out of things to say, it’s well into the evening. Chris grabs his hand and gets to his feet. Sebastian looks around nervously on instinct, but no one’s around.

Chris seems to realize himself at the look on Sebastian’s face and drops his hand as if he’s been burned, which instantly makes Sebastian regret his reaction. He expects Chris to apologize, so he can say something, but Chris seems more willing to act as if nothing happened. “C’mon, let’s get home. You promised me spaghetti.”

The moment they make it into Chris’s apartment, Sebastian is on him.

“Does this mean we have to wait on spaghetti?” Chris teases, and Sebastian scoffs.

“Shut up.”

Chris grins, leading him backwards into the kitchen. Sebastian thinks for a moment that it’s just a hint to get him started on dinner, but before he can say anything, Chris hoists him up by his thighs and drops him onto the counter.

“Should I have let you come before we left?”

“I – I don’t – ” Chris looks at him pointedly, and Sebastian answers shyly, “Maybe.”

Chris lets out a tisking sound, stroking Sebastian’s cheek with his thumb. “Poor thing,” he says sweetly, opening Sebastian’s pants. “Be absolutely still for me.” Sebastian nods and braces his arms against the counter.

Chris starts slow, too slow, and Sebastian can’t help the whimper in the back of his throat. Chris shushes him gently, wrapping his free hand loosely at the base of Sebastian’s throat. Sebastian’s heart races, but he swallows down the plea pressing into his teeth. 

It’s barely there, like a promise of _soon_ but he can’t ask for it. Chris wants him to be quiet. Still. Don’t move. He’ll do it. Just be good. Chris is watching his face, waiting for something, and Sebastian stares back at him, silently begging.

Chris’s hand suddenly tightens around his neck, and Sebastian shudders. He gasps, unable to get a full breath, and Chris tilts his head, watching. Sebastian’s eyes are starting to sting when he hears Chris ask, “Do you need to come already?”

Sebastian nods, too close and too light-headed to feel embarrassment. Nails dig into his throat and his eyes roll back. “Go ahead,” Chris tells him, and Sebastian starts to come before the words are even completely out of his mouth.

“Good boy,” Chris whispers, hand at his throat sliding around to his nape to scratch fondly at his hair. “You’re such a good boy.” Sebastian’s eyes drop to the hand still at his lap. He hasn’t wiped the come away, and Sebastian licks his lips instinctively.

Noticing, Chris lifts his hand to Sebastian’s mouth, eyes widening when Sebastian leans forward to wrap his lips around his fingers. “Oh my God.” He lets Sebastian lick his hand clean before sliding it around to hold the back of his neck.

It’s grounding, like Chris is the force keeping him steady. “You with me?” Chris asks. Sebastian swallows before he can nod.

“With you.”

Chris presses his forehead to Sebastian’s for a moment, and Sebastian closes his eyes. He feels Chris move away and hears the water turn on, but startles when a damp dishtowel touches his face. He opens his eyes to Chris smiling at him. “You okay?” Sebastian nods as Chris straightens him up. “Now, go get cleaned up for dinner.”

Chris sits in the kitchen with him while Sebastian cooks, teasing him by washing dishes as Sebastian finishes with them. “You’re _very_ in my way,” Sebastian tells him with false exasperation, and Chris giggles.

“It’s my turn to do dishes if you’re gonna cook, Wolfgang.”

Sebastian rolls his eyes. “Typically, dishes are done after the meal,” he huffs. 

Chris swats him with a dishtowel. “Tell that to my mother.”

Over dinner, they pick up their earlier conversation where they left off, and Chris shows an interest in Romania that Sebastian isn’t used to. Even interviewers seem to taper off whenever he brings up eastern Europe, but Chris asks all sorts of questions. What the seasons are like, if he misses it, how often he visits. 

When Sebastian asks why he’s so curious, Chris answers, “I’ve never been outside of America except as a tourist. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to have lived somewhere else.”

After dinner and a movie they wind up wrapped around each other on Chris’s bed, half dressed and making out as if they’re about to get caught. Sebastian doesn’t make it to his hotel that night, falling asleep on top of Chris’s sheets with Chris wrapped around him like an octopus. Chris falls asleep first, which is the only reason Sebastian assumes he’s staying the night at all. He listens to Chris’s even breathing for a long time before dozing off.

The next morning, Sebastian wakes up to Chris swearing and apologizing profusely. “Shit, I’m sorry. Shit. I should’ve let you go back to your room. Why didn’t you wake me up? God, I’m sorry, I’m a really fucking heavy sleeper. I’m sorry. You could have – you didn’t have to stay, I should’ve let you go home.”

“Chris,” Sebastian cuts him off, feeling a little guilty for letting him sleep. It’s almost as if he took advantage of him, somehow. “It’s okay. We fell asleep.” Chris doesn’t look very relieved by that, so Sebastian changes the subject. “I can make us eggs.”

They stay in until late in the afternoon, going out for lunch and a movie before Chris sends Sebastian back to his hotel. Sebastian feels a little scorned, and puts off going to see him the next morning as long as he can, which is admittedly not very long.

It’s about 11:30 when he shows up at Chris’s the next day, and Chris is so excited to see him he pulls him into the apartment and instantly shoves him back against the door. Sebastian purrs, sated with attention as Chris tugs down his shirt collar and sucks fading bruises into his collarbone. 

“Chris, what – ?”

“Missed you,” Chris answers, voice light, like he’s teasing, but Sebastian is pushed so hard against the door he can barely move.

“Are you leaving marks?”

“No one’ll see.”

 _Unless I take off my shirt,_ Sebastian wants to say, but doesn’t. He licks his lips, realizing that's exactly what Chris wants. He's claiming.

He _was_ jealous.

“Yeah…” He’s afraid to say anything else, afraid pointing out anything will make Chris self-conscious, or make him stop. Sebastian lets his eyes slide shut, revelling in the affection. Chris nuzzles against his neck and Sebastian goes still at the feeling of teeth grazing his throat.

His hands clench into fists, silently pleading for Chris to bite down where everyone can see. He wants anyone who looks at him to know, wants pictures of himself from some gawker’s smartphone to bear evidence. But Chris pulls back, and Sebastian lets out a quiet, disappointed breath.

Chris seems to realize himself and pulls back completely. “I made lunch. Want some?” At a loss, Sebastian nods, and Chris kisses his cheek before turning on his heel and disappearing in the kitchen.

Sebastian stands awkwardly for a moment before following him, feeling a little like a lost dog.

The thought stays with him while they eat, and later when Chris pins him back against the couch with one hand down his pants. When Chris takes him out to show him more of Boston, Sebastian finds an odd sort of satisfaction in following him around that he hadn’t noticed before. 

That night, in his hotel room, Sebastian goes back to the checklist he’d found online. He doesn’t peruse it this time, knowing exactly where to find what he’s looking for, staring at it for several minutes before writing it down on a sheet of notepad paper.

He doesn’t go to Chris’s the next day, taking time to himself to think things over. He knows Chris would want him to do it before coming to him with any changes to their dynamic, anyway. He wanders the city alone for most of the day, but it’s not as enjoyable without Chris’s running commentary, and he goes back to his hotel room to flip through Netflix until he falls asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Chapter 4 is early to celebrate how excited I was to share it~ Also the start of my gf's finals. Morale boost? Sure, we'll go with that.

When he shows up at Chris’s door the next morning, Chris answers almost immediately, looking at him with such genuine excitement it makes Sebastian’s stomach flip. “I missed you yesterday,” he says with a hint of concern. “What’d you do all day?”

Sebastian’s stomach churns nervously. He hasn’t been anxious around Chris since he came down to Boston, but now his heart is thudding in his chest and his palms are sweating. “Um, stuff,” he answers awkwardly, sitting on the couch.

Chris’s smile falters and his brow knits, the way it does when he’s afraid something’s wrong. Sebastian hates when he looks like that, especially when there’s no reason for it. He takes a deep breath and looks up at him.

“I went back to that checklist,” he says in a rush.

Chris looks a little startled for a moment, but the look of worry is at least gone. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Decided on some things.”

Chris nods. “Okay.” He pauses before asking, “Which things?”

Sebastian is shy, digging into his pocket and handing over the crumpled slip of hotel paper. Chris smiles at it, plucking it from Sebastian’s fingers to read what he wrote. As he reads it, his eyes go wide, and his smile falls, mouth dropping open as if about to ask a question. 

Before Sebastian can feel like he’s made a mistake, Chris clears his throat. “You, uh. You want a collar,” he says out loud, and Sebastian smiles at the way he hears his voice catch. He nods, and Chris mirrors him silently.

For a few seconds, he doesn’t say anything else. He sits down next to Sebastian on the couch, close, knees bumping. “You understand what it would mean if I got you one?” Sebastian nods again, but Chris says it anyway. “A collar means you belong to me. Completely. You’re okay with that?”

“Yes,” Sebastian says, feeling like it needs to be said out loud. His voice is quiet as Chris runs a thumb over his throat. He doesn’t even seem to realize he does it before speaking again.

“You’d need my permission for almost everything. No more fucking around without my saying it’s okay first.”

Sebastian watches Chris’s eyes, fixed hard on his neck. He wonders if Chris realizes he’s staring. His pulse is thrumming hard enough he’s almost sure Chris can see it under his skin. He swallows. “Would _you_ fuck me?”

Chris freezes. It takes a moment for his eyes to reach Sebastian’s. “Is that what you want?”

Sebastian takes a deep breath. “Yes.”

Chris glances back down at the paper in his hand, as if double checking the words – making sure they haven’t changed to say something else. He meets Sebastian’s eyes again. “Is that...something you want _now?_ ”

Sebastian hadn’t been expecting that. He turns to look at the window behind them, blinds open to pour light into the room. _Right now?_ He looks back at Chris, who had confusedly followed his gaze out the window. “Yes.”

Chris swallows, creasing the paper between his fingers. “Okay. I can...do that. Let’s, um…” He stares at the paper in his hands, and Sebastian doesn’t know what to say. Chris swallows again. “Bedroom, c’mon.”

Sebastian jumps to his feet and follows Chris into the bedroom, heart thudding in his chest. He’s still so nervous. He doesn’t want to be nervous. When they walk into the bedroom, Chris grabs his hand as he says, “Go ahead and get undressed.”

Sebastian does as he’s told, acutely aware of Chris watching his every movement. Sebastian swallows and looks at him. He hasn’t taken his clothes off once since they started this, which hadn’t seemed odd before now.

“Aren’t – aren’t you gonna…?” He knows Chris is shy. He doesn’t want to make it sound like a requirement. Chris knits his eyebrows as if he doesn’t understand and Sebastian shrugs. “Am I gonna be the only one to get naked?”

“Oh.” Chris sounds genuinely startled. “Um, no, I guess not.” Sebastian feels guilty for saying anything. He looks down at his feet as Chris shuffles out of his shirt. Sebastian’s breath catches when he looks up. He’d almost forgotten about Chris’s tattoos. 

The noise only seems to make Chris more self-conscious. He takes a minute to drop his shirt to the floor. “Sorry, it’s just – been a while since I’ve done this as myself.” He laughs, but he sounds unbearably awkward, so Sebastian does the only thing he can think to do and crowds into his space, pushing up on the balls of his feet to catch Chris’s mouth in a kiss.

“To be fair,” he says with a smirk as he breaks away, “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.” Chris makes a face, and Sebastian lets out a giggle that borders on hysterical. “I paid good money to see _What’s Your Number?_ I’ll have you know.”

“Oh, _Jesus,_ ” Chris says, rolling his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Sebastian laughs and moves for Chris’s belt, relaxing when Chris lets him unbuckle it and open his pants. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, your ass was definitely worth thirteen bucks.”

“ _Nothing_ in that movie is worth thirteen dollars,” Chris groans. “I feel like I should reimburse you. I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”

“I’m just trying to lighten the mood to get you out of your pants,” Sebastian says with a wink, and Chris shoves him playfully toward the bed.

“You’re an idiot,” he says, but he’s smiling as he steps out of his jeans.

Sebastian drops onto the bed and Chris crawls over him, gentle and surprisingly hesitant. He seems more nervous than Sebastian, which is oddly calming. Sebastian sits up on his elbows and kisses him until Chris relaxes into it, sliding back into control. Sebastian groans, and Chris presses tight against him.

The kisses are soft and genuine, and it seems almost doting. Sebastian can tell he’s blushing, but is too flabbergasted by the attention to say anything, quietly letting Chris cradle his head and kiss his neck until Sebastian can’t help squirming against him.

Eventually, Chris’s arm reaches out for the drawer in his bedside table, pulling it open blindly and groping around until he pulls out a bottle of lube. When Chris catches Sebastian’s eyes on it, he cringes, like he’s worried.

“I’ll go as slow as you need me to,” Chris says honestly, and Sebastian nods. He only means to clarify that he understands, but Chris must think it means an affirmative response to going slow, because the pace he sets is maddeningly gentle.

“I’ve done this before,” Sebastian gasps helplessly as Chris gently curls a single finger into him. “You don’t – have to treat me like glass.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Chris responds, his voice taunt, taking his time before adding a second. “I…” he stops short, and Sebastian looks curiously at him.

“You – you can…” he starts, “You can be rough with – ” but Chris shakes his head to cut him off.

“I want to be careful,” he says quietly, and Sebastian realizes with a smile.

“You – you haven’t, have you?” 

Without his clothes on, Sebastian notices for the first time that Chris blushes with his whole body, his eyes focused just below Sebastian’s face. “What?” Chris asks finally, and his fingers brush against Sebastian in a way that makes him stumble.

“Done – _fuck_...” Chris’s eyes dart to Sebastian’s face before focusing away again, and Sebastian takes a moment to compose himself. “Done this before. You said you’d given blowjobs but you never said anything about – ” He stops abruptly, oddly flustered at the realization that he’d be Chris’s first for anything.

Chris doesn’t answer. His other hand cups Sebastian’s face. “I’m going to take care of you.” Sebastian’s never doubted that. He nods, and Chris kisses him. “I’m going – to take care of you,” he repeats shakily. 

Anxiety grips at Chris’s voice for the first time, and Sebastian feels guilty for bringing it to attention. He’s not worried. He was never worried that Chris wouldn’t take care of him. He takes Chris’s face in his hands, grunting as Chris’s fingers shift in him. “I know,” he manages finally. “You don’t have to be so careful. I know.”

Chris stops moving to kiss him, smirking when Sebastian whines and squirms back against him until his hand picks up speed again.

“Tell me,” Chris says as he breaks the kiss, and Sebastian frowns, confused.

“T – tell…?” is all he can get out before Chris interrupts him.

“Tell me what the others were like. Your first. I wanna hear.”

“F – fuck.” Arousal burns through Sebastian’s skin at the idea, his mouth already working as his brain catches up. “S – senior year.”

“Of college?” Chris asks innocently, and Sebastian feels a little powerful.

“High school,” he answers breathlessly, and Chris’s whole face seems to light up.

“In that nice private school of yours,” he tisks with an air of false surprise, stretching him steadily, fingers scissoring deliberately. Sebastian nods furiously, his mouth falling open.

“Un – uniform and all,” he spits out, and Chris’s hand stills for a second.

“Tell me,” Chris repeats, more forcefully than before, and Sebastian nods, spreading his legs obscenely as he keeps talking.

“I let the Valedictorian fuck me,” he says, trying not to let his words run together whenever Chris pushes into him. “He needed – he needed to get over his boyfriend who’d dumped him right...before graduation, and I was – _fuck_ – I was curious, how it felt.”

Chris hums to show he’s listening, his fingers working slowly, and Sebastian just keeps talking. The more he says the faster Chris moves. “I’d been with girls already. But I was...curious. I wanted – to compare.”

“God, you were quite the little slut,” Chris says with a smirk, and a tremor rolls so hard through Sebastian it makes Chris stop, staring as Sebastian scrambles to get a hold of himself. 

“ _Yes,_ ” he manages, and Chris’s hand moves again, lips against his jaw.

“Keep talking.”

“He was strong – played – _fuck_ – rugby or something, we didn’t really know each other, but I – looked enough like his ex. From – from the back.” Chris’s breathing is picking up speed, and the memory is starting to go to Sebastian’s head. “One minute we were in the lounge, I knew – he was upset and asked if he – needed anything and the next, he was… _God,_ bending me over a desk.”

“Fuck.” Chris’s voice sounds thready, and it makes Sebastian talk faster.

“Noth – nothing like this. He fucking plowed me.” He shifts against Chris, silently begging, before he keeps talking. “I had – had to hold on to the desk to keep from...being fucked right onto the floor.”

Chris groans, but he’s still only using two fingers, slow and deliberate and it’s starting to make Sebastian crazy. “He held onto – onto me by my hair. It was filthy. Perfect. Fucking came all over my – myself and the desk, his – his hand around my cock.”

His hand is tight in Chris’s hair and he can’t stop. “Felt – felt so _good_ , Chris, I wanted it so bad and he was so fucking good, slammed into me ov – over and over. Told...me I made – pretty little noises…”

“Oh, you do,” Chris says gruffly, face buried in Sebastian’s shoulder. “Beautiful sounds.”

Chris takes his time before adding a third finger, and by that time Sebastian has devolved into babbling, rocking back against his hand. “Please fuck me,” he whines, desperate, his story entirely forgotten. “Please, _please_ , I need it, I need – God, Chris, please _fuck me fuck me fuck me._ ”

“Be patient,” Chris scolds him, but his voice is tight and Sebastian can feel him shaking. He whines, low and soft, and listens to the way Chris’s breathing has gotten quick and heavy in his ear. He reaches out and claws at Chris’s chest, and Chris freezes.

The lack of movement only causes Sebastian’s nails to dig into him harder. “Fuck, please. _Please_.”

“Shh, all right,” Chris says gently, sliding his hand away and coating lube onto his dick. “Relax for me.”

 _Be good_ flashes through Sebastian’s mind and he goes nearly limp, letting Chris maneuver him until he feels his cock slide into him, stretching him wide. He gasps, and for a moment, everything goes still.

“Sebastian,” Chris is watching him apprehensively. “Look at me.” Sebastian meets his eyes, and Chris smiles, almost to himself. “Okay?” Sebastian nods, and Chris leans down to kiss his jaw. “Good boy,” he says, petting Sebastian’s hair, and Sebastian shivers.

Chris starts to move then, an unhurried, steady pace that Sebastian shifts to meet, twisting his hips harder, faster. “Please – ” he says, hand grasping at air. “Pl – please, harder…” Chris watches him closely, his breath catching, and Sebastian whines.

“Please, I want – fuck...fuck me, please.” Chris swallows hard, but nods. After a moment, he picks up speed, gradually, until Sebastian can no longer meet his thrusts at all. It’s all he can manage just to take it; the sounds coming out of him are nearly screams as Chris pounds into him.

Sebastian wraps his legs around Chris’s waist, and the change in angle makes them both groan. Chris slips his arm back to hold Sebastian’s thigh, tipping it forward to rest it on his shoulder.

“ _Fuck._ ” Sebastian’s voice is hoarse and panting. Chris watches his face for a moment.

“Other one.”

Sebastian moves his other leg to rest on Chris’s shoulder, practically folding himself in half. The angle makes a string of words leave him in a rush, and Chris manages to smirk at him, one hand on his face while the other is braced against the bed.

Chris starts thrusting in earnest again, and Sebastian can hardly breathe. He keens and reaches for him, clawing at his arms.

Chris allows it for a minute before letting out an unmistakable growl and shifting in one fluid movement to pin Sebastian's hands to the bed. Sebastian isn’t sure if it’s being restricted or the _fucking noise_ Chris just made that makes him start shaking. 

The adjustment causes Sebastian’s legs to slip back down to Chris’s waist, but it doesn’t seem to matter. With so much space suddenly between them, Chris takes the opportunity to lean forward and sink his teeth low into Sebastian’s neck.

Sebastian cries out, and Chris bites down harder, letting go of Sebastian’s left wrist to slide a hand between them and jerk him off. Sebastian keeps his arm still, braced against the bed as if Chris is still holding it.

When Chris notices, he releases Sebastian’s throat, his hand slowing down on Sebastian’s cock enough to make him whine. “Oh, _good boy._ ” He’s practically purring in Sebastian’s ear when he lets go of his other wrist. Sebastian clasps them together over his head and keeps them still. 

Sebastian bares his throat, expecting Chris to bite down again, but instead Chris takes his free hand and presses it into Sebastian’s jugular. It’s light enough that he can still breathe, still speak if he needs to, but hard enough that he needs to gasp. Chris is still pushing into him and Sebastian’s head is spinning.

Chris’s eyes are focused on his neck as he tips it back, thumb pressing into the hollow of Sebastian’s throat to keep him shuddering as he inspects the bite he left. He clenches his fingers into the bruised skin and Sebastian moans.

The hand on Sebastian’s dick picks up speed while Chris’s other hand presses harder into his neck to keep balance. Sebastian can’t keep quiet, can’t stop begging. He’s so close and everything’s so much and he’s desperate and Chris is looking at him in a way he never really has before. It’s possessive and downright _animalistic_ and it’s causing Sebastian to slide back.

Chris must realize, because his eyes go impossibly dark. “Mine.” Sebastian nods. His whole body is on fire and he’s so close and Chris is shivering against him. “Say it.”

“Yours,” Sebastian manages breathlessly, response automatic, and he’s coming all over his stomach before the word has completely left his mouth.

Sebastian’s orgasm causes Chris’s attitude to immediately soften. He stops pushing into him and kisses his neck, his face. “Good boy,” he whispers, over and over. “Such a good boy.” It only lasts a moment before he tells him, “I’m going to turn you over now.” Sebastian nods, mind reeling.

He turns onto his hands and knees, and Chris’s hand clasps over the nape of his neck. It’s comforting, relaxing. Everything else in his mind goes blank. He belongs here. He doesn’t want anything else. Chris puts weight on his neck as he starts to move, and Sebastian drops instantly down onto his elbows.

“Yes,” Chris says suddenly, “you are.” 

Sebastian takes a moment to realize he’s speaking, repeating the word _yours_ over and over as if it’s the only one he knows anymore. Chris leans forward, plastered against Sebastian’s back, and twists Sebastian’s head to meet his mouth.

Sebastian jolts when Chris comes into him. It’s a claim, like the collar will be. He’s full and too warm and it’s _so much._ As Chris pulls out of the kiss, Sebastian opens his mouth to speak, but his voice falls flat. All that comes out of his mouth is a quiet, pleased little noise as Chris kisses his neck.

Sebastian is still shivering when the hand holding his chin slips down his throat to rest at his collarbone. Chris pulls away, and Sebastian drops his head forward, wincing as Chris pulls out of him and drops onto the bed beside him with a satisfied groan.

Moving on autopilot, Sebastian sprawls over Chris’s chest, smiling at the sound of his stunned laugh.

“I take it clean-up is later,” Chris says, his voice soft again.

Sebastian opens his mouth to say ‘in a minute’, but the words come out blurred together and muffled against Chris’s shoulder. “Hmmhm.”

“You’re shaking.” Chris’s arms wrap around him protectively and every inch of Sebastian’s body goes simultaneously heavy. “Did I get too rough with you?” Chris asks into his hair, and Sebastian smirks.

“No.” He feels Chris smile against the top of his head.

Sebastian is dozing when Chris gently pats his shoulder. “C’mon,” he says, kissing Sebastian’s temple. “We should shower.”

Chris goes first, and Sebastian stays curled warmly in the bed until Chris comes out and playfully dumps his towel on Sebastian’s head. “Your turn, bright eyes,” he says with a chuckle, and Sebastian huffs as he gets to his feet, groaning when the movement makes his hips ache.

Chris’s hand is on his back instantly. “You all right?”

Sebastian nods, smiling, and Chris pushes him gently into the bathroom. “Be careful not to slip and fall, kid.” Sebastian turns and sneers at him before shutting the door behind himself.

Sebastian comes out of the shower still toweling off his hair, and Chris appears at his shoulder. He must’ve gotten dressed while Sebastian was showering, which Sebastian tries not to find disappointing. “Arms down.”

Sebastian drops his arms to his sides and swallows when ribbon suddenly wraps comfortably around his throat. It’s only there for an instant before Chris pulls back the tape measure to look at the number by his thumb.

“You’re going to stay here,” he says, dropping the tape measure in his pocket. “I’ll be back. You’re welcome to whatever you want.” 

He moves quickly, and Sebastian has to forego underwear and step hurriedly into his jeans in order to catch up to Chris before he’s out the door. “Where are you going?” he asks petulantly.

Chris looks back at him, hand already on the doorknob. “Shopping.”

Sebastian stares dumbly at the door as it shuts behind Chris. He stands awkwardly for a moment before going back to pick his shirt up off the floor, wandering into the living room and putting on the television, distractedly channel surfing as he waits for Chris to come back.

He’s been gone almost two hours when Sebastian hears the front door open.

“Jeez,” Sebastian calls out as he gets to his feet to meet him at the door. “Where _were_ you? I was starting to think – ” His words stop hard in his throat as he catches sight of the thick black leather strap in Chris’s hand. It’s not a surprise to see it there, and yet somehow it still shakes through his body like one.

Chris chuckles. “Well, Petco is closer, but I thought you deserved something nicer than that.”

Sebastian means to laugh sarcastically but all that comes out of his mouth is a raspy “ _Ah._ ” He starts toward Chris, and Chris holds out his hand, taking hold of his elbow and leading him closer when he comes within arm's reach.

“Are you sure you want this?” Chris asks again. “This means I make a lot of decisions, but you can always safeword me. You know that, right?”

Sebastian nods, his voice cracking as he answers, “Yes.”

“Look at me.” Sebastian is practically thrumming with anticipation. He blinks away from the dog collar to meet Chris’s eyes. “If this is moving too fast, we don’t have to do it now, okay?” Sebastian nods, but he’s not sure why Chris is even telling him this. He was the one who asked for it.

Chris drops Sebastian’s arm to run his fingers over the bite he left on Sebastian’s throat. At the touch, Sebastian can tell it’s already starting to bruise. Chris’s voice sounds different when he starts to speak again, like he’d been holding his breath. “You can tell me you don’t want it and I’ll always be willing to bring it back later. Or not. Whatever you want.”

“I want it,” Sebastian says quietly.

Chris lets out a long breath. “Okay.” His hands are quick around Sebastian’s neck, tucking the leather neatly through the silver loop and clasping it shut. “There. How does that feel?”

It’s instantaneous, and Sebastian can’t explain it. He feels protected, and more wanted than he ever has in his life. But there’s more to it than that. It’s as if he’s suddenly aware that he’s been wishing to crawl out of his skin for years only now he no longer is – like he’d spent his life pushing against seams that are abruptly no longer there. His mouth is dry, so he just nods.

“Too much?”

He never wants to take it off again. He reaches up and grabs onto it, squeezing the leather into his palm. He shakes his head.

Fingers are in his hair, scratching reassuringly at the base of his skull. “Do you want to sit down?” Sitting sounds like a good idea. Sebastian nods again, and Chris leads him gently to the couch, eyeing him tentatively as Sebastian falls back onto the seat.

“Sebastian, can you speak?”

Chris’s tone is sweet and concerned, but something about the phrasing comes off like an order, as if making sure a dog remembers his tricks. It makes Sebastian’s head spin. “Oh my God,” he manages, barely a whisper. Chris drops in front of him, crouching at the edge of the sofa.

“Deep breath, okay? In and out.” Sebastian mirrors him as he starts to exaggerate his breathing, and Chris relaxes with him. “Sure it’s not too much?”

Sebastian nods. “I want it.”

Chris runs his hand reassuringly down Sebastian’s back. “Okay,” he says, stretching to kiss the crown of Sebastian’s head. Sebastian moves to kiss him back, and Chris lets him, cupping the back of his head to hold him there.

He starts tentative and careful, but as the kiss deepens, Chris moves forward, pushing Sebastian back against the couch, tilting his head back as he crawls on top of him. Sebastian groans. Chris is holding his face, keeping him still, and the kiss is somehow both gentle and commanding. When he breaks for a breath, Sebastian has to blink spots out of his eyes.

“Chris…” He has the random urge to tell him he loves him, and has to bite his tongue to keep it from falling out of his mouth. He’s quiet then, running through the idea of asking if Chris loves him, but the words all die in this throat. 

It doesn’t matter. Chris is waiting patiently, looking at him like he’s something to be cherished, and that’s enough. It’s probably been too long before he finally musters the courage to ask a question he already knows the answer to. “Do you want me?”

Chris is on him instantly, pulling him horizontal onto the couch, bracketing his hips with his knees. The couch is barely big enough for them like this, and Chris has to lean forward and put most of his weight on the armrest behind Sebastian’s head. “Of course I want you,” he whispers between the kisses he peppers along Sebastian’s jaw. “You’re mine now.”

Sebastian makes a low noise in the back of his throat, and Chris nips at the skin just above the edge of Sebastian’s collar. “Mine,” he says again. “My good boy.”

Sebastian doesn’t realize he’s squirming out of his jeans until Chris sits up, watching dumbly for a moment. After a beat, he helps Sebastian out of them, tugging wordlessly on the hem of Sebastian’s shirt before turning to shove his own jeans down his thighs.

Sebastian is making soft little noises before Chris even drags him into his lap. “God, look at you,” Chris says reverently, running his hands over Sebastian’s body, his fingers dragging over the collar. “Seb…”

His voice holds a hint of tension, like he needs something. Wants something. Something Sebastian can do if he just asks. He’ll do it if he just knows what it is. “Tell me,” Sebastian murmurs, shivering. “Tell me what to do.”

Chris smiles warmly at him, running a hand over his face. “I need to get the stuff out of the bedroom,” he says. “Wait here.” 

Wait. He can wait. He nods, and Chris slides him off his lap. Sebastian whines, feeling suddenly empty and too far away, but Chris is back in an instant with the bottle of lube, pulling him back into his lap.

“Shh, hey,” Chris whispers, petting back his hair. “Hey, I’m right here.” Every touch is balancing along the wire between just enough and very nearly too much. It reminds him of how he felt right before jumping the first train to Boston – everything feels sharp against his skin – but it’s different. There’s a level of control to it all now, a sense of power beyond anything he’s felt before.

“I’m gonna start slow,” Chris tells him. “Just the collar for now, okay?” Sebastian’s eyes slide shut. He’s heavy. Warm. He nods. “Be good and patient for me, Sebastian.”

“Yes, sir.” He’ll do anything Chris asks.

“Remember the safewords?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What are they?”

“Red for stop. Yellow for...slow down.”

Sebastian can’t remember ever feeling this calm, this safe. Nothing to think about. Nothing to be afraid of. Chris runs his hands over Sebastian again, and Sebastian’s body moves of its own accord, leaning forward and taking Chris’s mouth in a kiss. His muscles are loose, drunk. He feels himself start to smile as Chris kisses him back.

Chris’s hands are all over him, possessive and solid. When he pulls away, he’s whispering. “You’re my good boy, aren’t you, Sebastian? Such a good boy.” Sebastian nods, dizzy, and Chris draws away to coat lube onto his fingers.

“I’m not going to touch your cock,” Chris says, placing his other hand on the small of Sebastian’s back to keep him still. “But I want you to come for me anyway.”

The air leaves Sebastian as if sucked out by a vacuum. “Yes, sir.”

Chris slides a finger into him, and Sebastian jolts. “Shh, be patient.” Sebastian nods, but can’t help thrusting back onto his hand. The hand on his back goes rigid to keep him still. “Patient,” he repeats firmly.

Sebastian bites his lip, nodding. “Yes, sir.”

The hand at his back moves to grab his chin, pulling his head down to pin his gaze. “Eyes on me. Just like that.” Sebastian blinks, forcing himself to keep focus, and Chris smiles at him. “That’s it,” he says, adding a second finger. “Good boy.”

Sebastian’s eyes flutter as Chris’s fingers curl into him. Chris tisks, and the nails of his other hand dig into his jaw. “Look at me.” Sebastian whines at the order, forcing his eyes open to see Chris _glaring_ at him.

He’s angry. Sebastian isn’t doing what he’s told. Sebastian’s spine tingles at the thought that he should be punished for it. He’s shivering, and the words fall out of his mouth before he can stop them. “Hit me.”

Chris’s breath catches. “What?”

“Hit – hit me in the face,” he rambles. “Fucking slap me.” 

Chris’s hand cracks suddenly across Sebastian’s cheek, and Sebastian gasps at the sharp pain blooming over the side of his face. Chris is watching him, eyes bright as he slaps him again, then gets a hold of his chin to meet his eyes. “Don’t look away from me again.”

“No, sir,” Sebastian answers helplessly, his legs shaking with the effort to keep still as Chris slides in a third finger. Chris’s eyes wander to Sebastian’s lap for a moment, and he clicks his tongue as he looks back up at him.

“I haven’t even fucked you, yet.”

Sebastian whimpers, and Chris leans forward to place a kiss on his jaw. “Are you ready for me to?”

“Yes, sir.”

Chris pulls his hand away and lines Sebastian up in his lap, easing him down onto his cock. Sebastian’s eyes are watering and every nerve in his body that isn’t touching Chris seems to turn off. Chris’s hands are on his face and Sebastian moans as he starts to move.

_Don’t look away don’t look away don’t look away._

Sebastian’s never felt anything like this. Chris is buried to the hilt and only pushing deeper, and Sebastian doesn’t even want to blink. He paws helplessly at Chris’s shirt. “Want,” he manages, hardly a word the way it leaves his mouth, and Chris nods, briefly letting go of Sebastian to tug it over his head.

Sebastian doesn’t mean to look away from Chris’s face, but he leans forward thoughtlessly, dragging his tongue over the ink on his chest. Chris sucks in a breath and digs his fingers into Sebastian’s hips. Looking away seems to be forgivable as long as he’s touching Chris. 

He can do that. He nips at the tattoo again before kissing Chris’s throat. Sebastian’s head reels as Chris starts to drag him up and down over his dick until Sebastian goes limp against him.

Nothing matters. All that there is is this. Chris holding him steady, thrusting in and out of him, the room is spinning and the air around them is too hot and he’s begging, over and over without completely knowing what for. “Please,” he whines, dragging his nails down Chris’s chest. “Please please _please_.”

Chris watches him beg for a moment, eyes glassy as he pulls Sebastian’s face close to his. “You want to come,” he says, and it’s not a question but Sebastian nods anyway. “I know,” he says gently, his voice breathless as his hips pump harder into Sebastian. “I know you do.”

Sebastian whines, and Chris kisses his face, quick, soft breaths panting out over his skin. “You’re such a good boy,” Chris tells him again, and Sebastian moans, curling into his chest, forcing Chris’s hips into angle that makes Sebastian’s eyes roll back.

“Yours.”

“Yes, you are,” Chris whispers, his voice gone suddenly tight. “Just for me. Whoever you fuck now, it doesn’t matter. You can whore yourself out to anyone you want, but you’re always mine first. You belong to me.”

“Yes,” Sebastian answers helplessly. “Yes, sir. Yours. Just – ” Chris whines, and Sebastian’s hips stutter, his hands clenching hard into Sebastian’s arms. He’s coming and it’s driving Sebastian insane, he wants to give in but he doesn’t have permission. Not yet, not until Chris says. He watches Chris’s face, entranced by the way his features relax as his body goes slack. 

It still feels like Chris is coming when he grabs Sebastian’s face and drags him down to look him in the eye.

“Come for me.”

Everything goes white, and Sebastian falls forward, his whole body ringing with relief as he hears himself say, “Yes, sir.”

He’s vaguely aware of Chris hoisting him into his arms this time, carrying him into the bedroom before dropping him onto the bed. He leaves him there for a moment, but he’s back before Sebastian can pull himself out enough to call for him.

Chris presses a cool towel to the sore side of Sebastian’s face for a moment before using it to wipe him down. When he’s satisfied, he lies down next to Sebastian and pulls him to his chest, quiet as Sebastian slowly starts to come back to himself.

Chris’s skin is warm against his back, but Sebastian notices he’d only pulled his jeans back up to his waist, the unfastened fly chafing a little against Sebastian’s bare hip.

“With me, yet?” Chris asks after a few minutes. Sebastian’s still a little hazy, but he nods, feeling Chris let out a heavy breath against his neck.

“Do you – ” Chris starts, hesitating for a moment before finishing. “Do you want to stay here tonight?”

Sebastian bites his lip to keep from shouting _yes_ loud enough to frighten him. He wills himself to calm down before letting himself nod again.

Chris is quiet for a while after that. “Okay.”

Sebastian jumps when there’s a tug from the back of his collar. “Do you want me to take this off?”

“No,” Sebastian answers, too quick, reaching up to wrap his hand defensively over the buckle.

“Okay, okay,” Chris says gently, letting it go. “Don’t be afraid to tell me when you want it off, okay?” Sebastian nods, and Chris’s fingers run absently over his neck. Sebastian lets his hand fall away, his fingers sliding into the D-ring.

“Is this for a leash?”

Chris lets out a breath against his shoulder. “Yes,” he answers, his voice coming out deep and heavy. Something prickles in Sebastian’s stomach.

“Would you…?” It’s silly, asking for one, and Sebastian trails off.

Chris’s hand slides around to the front of Sebastian’s throat, fingers curling over the collar to loop into the D-ring, too, brushing against Sebastian’s fingers. “I’ll give you anything you want, Sebastian.” 

Sebastian smiles to himself. He wants to ask why, he wants to hear Chris say it, but he’s too afraid he won’t. 

It’s close enough, anyway.


	5. Chapter 5

They lie quietly for a while as Chris’s fingers play idly at his throat. Sebastian’s fingers twitch to touch him, but before he can, Chris tugs hard at the D-ring. “C’mon,” he says, and Sebastian’s mouth goes suddenly dry. “I haven’t fed you all day.”

Sebastian lets himself be dragged to his feet, dead weight, and Chris slings him forward. “Go sit at the table,” he says, gesturing, and Sebastian resists the urge to drop to his hands and knees to crawl there. 

He’s startled by the thought. The collar makes him feel amazing, in a way that Sebastian was sure he’d be happy with just it alone, but now that he has it, it only seems to spark a desire for more. Maybe that’s not it. He went all these years without realizing he needed this at all; maybe he’s always wanted it. It just seems more possible now that they’ve started. Now that he has a band of leather around his throat.

When he gets to the dining table, he has a brief moment where he considers sitting on the floor next to it, but Chris is at his back before he can, and gently pushes him into a chair. “Good boy,” Chris says, bending down to kiss Sebastian’s temple before continuing into the kitchen. The chair is cold, and Sebastian squirms. Over his shoulder, Chris calls out, “Stay.”

Sebastian swallows hard and doesn’t move again. He’s not sure how long he stays there before Chris comes back with plates of sandwiches. He drops the first plate in front of Sebastian and says firmly, “Eat.”

A steady calm washes over Sebastian as he does what Chris says. He wonders if it would taste as good as it does if he hadn’t been ordered to eat it. The thought catches him off guard, but Chris, still standing at his shoulder, ruffles his hair and mutters, “That’s it,” before sitting down.

They eat in silence for a moment, and then Chris asks, “What’re you planning on doing when you go home?”

Sebastian blinks. It takes him a moment to realize he means ‘home’ as in New York, and not just his hotel room. “Huh?”

“I told you, I don’t want you getting that bad again. What would you like to happen when you get back to New York?”

Sebastian looks down at his sandwich and takes another bite, mulling over an answer that isn’t _come with me_ as he chews.

“I can text you,” he says as he swallows. “I dunno, I can let you know whenever it – whenever it gets bad, and you can…” It seems unnatural to talk about out loud. Sebastian feels spoiled, asking for anything, and lets himself trail off.

“I can what?” Chris asks. “Give you tasks? Come over?”

Sebastian squints at him. “You’d come over? It’s three hours away.”

Chris shrugs. “I couldn’t come over _every_ time,” he says, like it’s obvious. Like the idea of him coming over is as simple as crossing the street if he isn’t busy with something else.

“If I had asked you to, would you have come over instead of me coming up here?”

Chris looks surprised that it’s even a question. “Of course,” he says, like it’s no big deal. “I promised to take care of you. It’s not like I’m doing anything while I’m home, it wouldn’t have been any trouble.”

Sebastian doesn’t realize he’s staring until Chris starts to look shy about it. “What? You just showed up here on a moment’s notice. How’s that different?”

“It’s not,” Sebastian admits. He’s still convinced it’s somehow different, but Sebastian isn’t sure why. He wants to know if Chris would do this for anyone, or if he’s special. He wants Chris tell him why it wouldn’t be any trouble. He wants Chris to say it so much it’s making his skin itch. He can’t say it first, it’ll ruin everything. He just needs to hear it. But Chris doesn’t say anything, watching Sebastian. “It’s not,” he repeats.

“I don’t have to,” Chris says finally. “I could – we could do this long distance only. I could just give you orders, like, through texts. I just thought – when you came down here, I thought you’d want…”

“I do,” Sebastian interrupts. He feels like an asshole. “I just didn’t, um. I didn’t think you’d do that for me.” 

Chris looks hurt, and Sebastian’s heart clenches. “I didn’t – mean…” He doesn’t know how to make it sound like an unimportant misunderstanding. That’s all it was. Chris gets out of his chair and kneels in front of Sebastian so he can meet his eyes. Sebastian flushes and tries not to think about the fact that he’s still naked.

“What do you want me to do, Sebastian?”

Sebastian smirks. “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?”

Chris’s face is serious. “Mine first.”

Sebastian’s heartbeat hammering against his ribs hard enough to make his chest hurt. “It – it can just be for tasks. Little things. I’ll...I’ll let you know when I need more than that, I guess.” Chris beams at him, and Sebastian smiles back, relieved. “What about now?”

Chris’s voice is lacking any sort of pressure when he echoes, “What _about_ now?”

Sebastian licks nervously at his teeth before breaking out into a knowing grin. “What do you want me to do, Chris?”

Chris scoffs, cuffing the back of his neck gently. “You’re such a smartass.” Sebastian’s smirk falters when Chris’s touch reminds him of the collar at his throat. Chris must notice, because he asks, “Is it still all right?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to leave it on?”

“Yeah.”

Chris tilts his head. “You look beautiful,” he says after a moment, and a warm and pleasant feeling curls in Sebastian’s stomach. Chris’s fingers trail down Sebastian’s chest and Sebastian whines, a chill running down his spine. “Since you’re staying the night tonight, is there anything you want to try? Like more restrictions?”

Sebastian wants to try everything. He nods, and Chris does, too. “I’m going to tie your ankles together and your hands behind your back.” Sebastian groans, and Chris adds, “You’ll suck me off on your knees, and wait for my permission to come.”

Sebastian squirms a little, and Chris runs a hand through his hair. “If you come before I give permission, I’m going to punish you. Does that sound okay?” Sebastian nods, already starting to shiver a little. Chris smiles warmly at him. “Would you like to choose the punishment now?”

“Hit me,” Sebastian answers immediately, and Chris’s eyes flash.

“If you want me to hit you,” he says after a breath, “it doesn’t have to be a punishment.” When Sebastian doesn’t respond right away, he asks, “Do you want me to hit you?” Sebastian nods. “Do you want it as a punishment?”

Sebastian swallows and shakes his head. “I’ll be good,” he blurts, and Chris smiles at him.

“I know you will.” He runs his hand through Sebastian’s hair and asks, “So do you want me to use the belt, if you need to be punished?” Sebastian takes too long to answer, and Chris’s hand cracks across his face. “Answer me.”

Sebastian sees stars, and the pain sends something straight to his cock. He licks cautiously at his lip and smiles. “Yes, sir.” 

Chris looks like he’s about to jump up and knock him to the floor, and something about the way he looks barely contained makes a heady sort of power wash over Sebastian. “Again,” he pleads, voice low. “Plea – ”

Chris knocks the word short, snapping his head back, and Sebastian can feel the burn of his palm tingling against his skin. Sebastian’s legs fall open. He’s dimly aware that it shouldn’t feel this good, but it doesn’t matter. Chris is looking at him the way he had in bed earlier. Like he’s only just keeping himself together.

Sebastian stares him down. “Do it,” he says, unsure exactly what it is Chris wants to do, but he doesn’t care anyway. 

Chris lunges forward, and Sebastian hears a whispered _fuck_ right before his teeth latch high on his neck, above the collar.

Sebastian’s whole body is vibrating with anticipation, but Chris pulls away before his teeth sink into his skin. “No,” Sebastian’s voice comes out sounding pitiful, “do it, please…”

“I can’t,” Chris says firmly. “The minute it’s anyone’s business it’s going to be _everyone’s_ business.”

“I don’t care.” Sebastian cringes at the sound of his own voice. He’s like a petulant child.

“You will.” Chris pulls back to look at him. “I can’t.”

Sebastian glares at him. At a sudden thought, he snaps, “Red.”

There’s a momentary panic on Chris’s face, and he pulls away abruptly. Before Sebastian can take it back, Chris realizes, and breaks into a hesitant smile. “Are you safewording my _not_ doing something?”

Sebastian feels like he’s won. “Yes.”

Chris chuckles, running his hand over Sebastian’s arm. “I don’t think it works that way.”

“Who says?” Sebastian pouts.

Chris sighs, still smiling. “Here,” he reaches up and opens the buckle of Sebastian’s collar. Sebastian lets out an indignant noise and pulls back, but Chris only shushes him. “I’ll put it right back on you. I’m compromising.”

Sebastian goes still, and Chris leans forward, biting into the skin at the base of his throat, right where he’d bitten before. His teeth sink in deep, and Sebastian melts back against the chair. Chris practically crawls on top of him, and Sebastian shivers when he hears a soft, muffled growling resonating deep in Chris’s chest. 

Sebastian wonders how much he’s holding back, and if Sebastian asked for him to stop trying, how much of it Chris would let him see. The image of Chris pinning him to the floor with his teeth locked over Sebastian’s jugular sends him reeling. 

He makes a soft noise, and Chris’s teeth are planted so hard at the base of his neck that Sebastian is almost sure Chris can taste blood by now. The thought only makes Sebastian groan louder. When Chris finally lets go of Sebastian’s throat, he says in an inarguable voice, “Wear collared shirts the next few days. Do you understand?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris slips the collar back over his throat. “That’s my good boy,” he says, kissing Sebastian’s temple. “Now get on your knees, and I’ll be right back.” Sebastian slides out of the chair onto the floor, and Chris kisses the top of his head before disappearing down the hall.

When Chris comes back, he’s got a shoebox under his arm. He sets it down away from Sebastian and asks him, “Comfy?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris makes an appreciative sound, like cooing at a puppy. “You’re always so pretty on your knees.” Sebastian nods, his mind already starting to feel foggy, and Chris smiles. “Every time you stand up straight I just want to push you back where you belong.” 

“Yes, sir,” Sebastian mumbles dazedly, slumping forward. 

Chris tisks at him. “Up straight, Sebastian.” Sebastian rocks back onto his ankles, but Chris has already turned his attention to the shoebox.

Sebastian expects the ties he pulls out, one wrapping his wrists together behind his back and the other connecting his ankles. He knows something else is in the box, or else he wouldn’t have brought it out, but Chris doesn’t remove anything else. He stands in front of Sebastian, shoving down his jeans and pulling out his cock.

“C’mon, Seb,” he says as Sebastian pushes himself forward on his knees, “do what you’re made for.”

Sebastian’s body lights up as Chris speaks, and he takes Chris’s dick in his mouth. Chris jerks his hips forward and Sebastian moans, taking more of him in as he relaxes his jaw. _What he’s made for._

The ties aren’t too tight unless he pulls hard against them, so he forces his arms and legs as far as they can go to feel the silk dig into his skin. He bobs his head because Chris isn’t moving yet. When Sebastian looks up, he’s gaping down at him.

“You’re so beautiful.” Chris sounds like he’s in awe, struggling to keep his voice even against the sensation on his cock. “Just look at you.” He slides his hand over Sebastian’s cheek, fingers light over the shape of his dick under the skin.

“You’d stay like this forever if I asked you to, wouldn’t you?” It’s just a question, not even serious, but Sebastian is already sliding back at the words. His body goes heavy, his eyes flutter shut. “That’s it,” he hears Chris say, and his voice is all that matters anymore. “That’s my good boy.”

Chris takes handfuls of Sebastian’s hair and snaps his hips, and like the flip of a switch, the air changes. It’s different with the collar, the bindings. He belongs here. Like a pet. The air is cold on his bare skin but he can feel sweat prickling on the back of his neck, rolling down his spine. He just wants this. To be here. To be _good._

Chris has never been particularly quiet, but now he’s babbling, nearly frantic. “Such a good boy, Sebastian. My beautiful, perfect boy.” He’s panting and Sebastian goes quiet and still to keep from coming as Chris continues to cant his hips. “My sweet boy, why do I ever let you do anything other than this?”

Sebastian groans to keep from clenching his jaw. The coiling in the pit of his stomach is only getting tighter. He’s not going to make it. He needs to, but he _can’t_. He whines, and Chris pulls out of his mouth. “You want to come, don’t you?” he asks, his voice genuinely apologetic. Sebastian nods furiously, whimpering at the loss of weight on his tongue. Chris pets his face. “And why haven’t you?”

Sebastian’s tongue is thick in his mouth when he tries to speak, and it comes out a soft rasp, “No per – permission.”

“That’s right,” Chris purrs, sliding his cock back into Sebastian’s wide open mouth. “Be good and wait.” Sebastian lets out a soft noise of agreement, and Chris jerks forward suddenly enough to make Sebastian choke.

White bursts in front of Sebastian’s eyes and for a minute everything goes numb. 

A split second later, every sensation is tenfold, and he needs more. _Fuck me fuck me fuck me._ He can’t speak but Chris seems to understand anyway, fucking deep enough into Sebastian’s mouth that it hits the back of his throat.

Chris’s babbling has devolved into bitten-off noises, almost like a feral dog, and Sebastian _wants_ it. He meets Chris’s eyes, silently pleading, and Chris nods, looking dumbstruck before letting his hips rock into Sebastian’s face again, harder and more deliberate.

Chris’s fingers clench hard in Sebastian’s hair, enough that he can feel it ripping from his skull. He whimpers, his orgasm settling just at the edge like a razorblade. Chris tugs harder, and Sebastian blinks until his eyes are trained back on Chris. “No, Sebastian.”

_No._

He can feel Chris’s body drawing tense and whines. He needs Chris to come more than he needs to come himself. Chris is pounding into him hard enough that Sebastian is seeing stars. His jaw is on fire. He’s starting to ache where his arms are pulled back. His knees are digging painfully into hardwood. Nothing has ever felt so pure and perfect.

_No._

Chris comes down his throat without warning, and Sebastian moans, wordlessly begging to touch him, but Chris only shoves Sebastian off of him so fast that come runs down his chin. “Look at me,” Chris orders, but Sebastian can’t focus. He’s so close, he just wants to come.

“Please…” he breathes out, and Chris’s hand is hard and sudden against his face, throwing him off balance and onto the floor.

Sebastian's lost in the time it takes to get to his knees. He’s sure he didn't do it himself, Chris kneeling beside him with his hand on his shoulder, looking like he just asked a question. Sebastian has the sensation of being outside himself, floating and dizzy, and it takes him a moment to answer. “Sorry,” he whispers, his voice slurring. “I didn't...mean to...”

Chris looks at him curiously. “Mean to what?” Sebastian doesn't understand, and looks down at himself. He hears Chris ask, “Did you...did you think you came?”

Sebastian lets out a loud breath. He's still hard. He's still being good. “I'm...”

“Sebastian...” Chris is holding his chin, forcing eye contact. “I need you to speak to me, or I’m going to stop. How do you feel?”

Sebastian licks his lips. He can’t think clearly enough to differentiate one feeling from another. Every emotion is at once, clamoring over each other with such desperation that the constant buzz under his skin has evolved into something relaxing. He feels controlled. He feels free. He doesn’t want it to stop. 

“Want it,” he manages finally.

The hand at Sebastian’s chin starts to stroke his cheek. “Do you want to come?” Chris asks, his voice low, but sweet. Gently prodding.

Sebastian takes a shuddering breath. “More.”

Chris searches his face for a minute before getting to his feet. Sebastian watches him walk back to the box and dig out something else. It’s too hard to focus and he closes his eyes, waiting. Sebastian’s chest goes tight when something tugs lightly on his collar, the soft click of a leash hook closing over the ring.

“Do you want me to untie your feet, or your hands?” Chris asks, holding Sebastian’s head until he opens his eyes to look at him. Sebastian’s confusion must show because Chris pets his face and clarifies, “Do you want to walk, or do you want to crawl?”

Sebastian’s back goes stiff. Humiliation curls in his stomach and makes everything sharper, more intense. “Hands,” he decides aloud, and Chris wraps an arm around Sebastian’s shoulders and kisses his temple before reaching for the knot at his wrists. 

“Good boy,” he whispers against Sebastian’s ear, and Sebastian feels as if he’s melting into him. “Such a good boy.” He massages feeling back into Sebastian’s wrists and kisses his fingers, repeating it over and over.

When Chris gets back to his feet, Sebastian sits on his heels, waiting. Chris watches him for a moment, and Sebastian smiles up at him. He’s so close, all Chris has to do is tell him to. “Please,” he says again, bracing himself for the slap an instant before it breaks over his cheek. He shudders and bites his lip to get a hold of himself. Chris tilts his chin toward him, inspecting his face, and for a moment Sebastian hopes Chris left a bruise.

He opens his mouth to ask, but before he can, Chris tugs hard on the leash, and Sebastian’s hands fly out to catch himself. He’s too shocked to move at first, and then Chris tugs again, and Sebastian shuffles forward.

He’s panting and hot all over, and he can feel his knees scraping against the wood as he struggles to crawl forward with his ankles bound. Chris helps by tugging him along and the pressure on his throat makes him shiver.

He trails obediently after Chris’s feet, coming to a stop when Chris sits at the edge of the bed. “Tell me the safewords, Sebastian,” he says calmly, unhooking the leash.

“Red. Yellow.” It’s too many syllables to explain what each one means, but he knows. Chris looks at him a moment before setting the leash down on the floor and cupping the back of Sebastian’s head.

“If you ever can’t speak when you wanna safeword me, I want you to hold out two fingers,” he says firmly, taking Sebastian’s hand and forcing his first two fingers into a V. “Like that. See? Is that easy?” Sebastian watches dimly, and Chris lets go of Sebastian’s neck to snap his fingers and make him look back up. “You gotta answer me, baby.”

Sebastian shudders, his whole body going warm, but Chris doesn’t even seem to notice what he’d said. “Easy,” Sebastian repeats softly, pulling his hand away.

Chris nods. “Okay.”

In the next instant, Chris’s fingers are wrapped tight around Sebastian’s throat. The leather of the collar is squeezed chafing against his skin and thumbs are in his windpipe. He can breathe, just barely, if he gasps, but his lips are going numb.

Sebastian keeps his hands balled into fists at his sides. 

Everything is starting to feel faint along the edges, everywhere except the hot tension building just under his navel. He wants so badly to come but Chris is only watching him silently, eyes darting to his hands every few seconds. 

The world is starting to lose focus, and Sebastian can feel himself squirming, hips bucking against friction that isn’t there. He’s starting to forget why he hasn’t let go, the edges of his vision starting to bleed grey. His heart is thumping so loudly in his chest he’s almost sure Chris can hear it.

_Please let me please let me please._

“Come now,” Chris says, his hands releasing Sebastian’s neck to catch him as he falls utterly limp. He feels as if every nerve in his body has gone raw, pleasure spiking along the edge of pain. He can feel his orgasm in the tips of his fingers. His head is spinning and swimming all at once.

The only thing he can focus on is Chris’s panting breaths.

After a moment, Chris’s voice cuts through the silence, mystified. “You...I didn’t touch you.”

“Told me,” Sebastian answers, voice rough and breathless.

“Yeah,” Chris says, sounding just as breathless, “I did. God, and you…”

There’s a sudden prickle of cold on Sebastian’s skin, and he starts to shiver, curling closer to Chris until he pulls Sebastian up into his lap. “You did so good,” he says, reaching down to pull the knot at his ankles free. He rubs the blood back into Sebastian’s feet with one hand while rolling his other over Sebastian’s arm, keeping him warm. “You’re so good for me.”

Sebastian presses closer into Chris, nuzzling so tightly against him it’s like he’s trying to be absorbed through his skin. He snuggles his face into the crook of Chris’s neck and breathes. Chris is like a furnace. The hand at his arm gives him a gentle nudge, and Sebastian grunts to show he’s listening.

“You need some water, Seb.”

Sebastian whines at the threat of having to move, but Chris just nudges him again. “I’ve got some right by the bed. I just need you to look up for a second.”

Reluctantly, Sebastian pulls his face away so that Chris can tip the bottle into his mouth. He’s reminded of back in the hotel during the press tour, when Chris helped him drink. As soon as the water hits his tongue, he realizes how right Chris was. He’s almost frustrated by how Chris always seems to know. Sebastian swallows it gratefully before turning and burying his face back into Chris’s neck.

Chris is still holding him when Sebastian falls asleep.

Sebastian wakes up again to a dip in the bed. Chris is leaning over him, tucking hair behind his ear. “Hey,” he says, when Sebastian blinks at him. “I’m sorry, I let you sleep. I didn’t mean to wake you up. You seemed, er, pretty intensely locked in earlier, I thought you’d need it.” Sebastian curls over onto his other side, facing Chris. 

“Are you okay?” Chris asks gently. “You – ” He swallows, sounding nervous. “You were really locked in.” 

Sebastian shivers, murmuring softly. “Good.”

Chris is quiet, petting Sebastian’s hair. Sebastian can feel himself falling back asleep when Chris asks, “Do you want some water?”

Sebastian nods sleepily and Chris pulls him up against his chest to tip the water bottle into his mouth. “Time?” Sebastian mumbles, voice rough as Chris sets the bottle back on the nightstand. 

He runs his hand reassuringly through Sebastian’s hair. “It’s almost two in the morning, Seb. Go back to sleep, okay?”

“Stay,” Sebastian says sleepily, fading in and out too much to focus on what he’s saying. He curls against Chris, fingers clenching in Chris’s shirt. “Stay with me.”

“I’m staying,” Chris says with the hint of a laugh. “It’s my room, Seb.” He unfurls Sebastian’s hand from his shirt to run his thumb over his fingers, and Sebastian whines. He curls his fingers around Chris’s hand as tight as he can manage. 

“Don’t leave,” Sebastian reminds him as firmly as possible when accompanied with the barely audible slur of being more asleep than awake. Chris’s low chuckle falls silent, and Sebastian murmurs dazedly as Chris hoists Sebastian closer to his chest. 

“I’m staying,” Chris says again, voice serious this time. “I’m here, I promise.” Sebastian nuzzles tight against his shoulder, mumbling appreciatively when Chris places a kiss on his temple.

Sebastian wakes up the next morning to Chris spooned against his back, kissing his shoulder. He lets out a pleased hum, and Chris leans forward to kiss his neck. Sebastian rolls onto his back and reaches up to tug Chris’s head down into a kiss, a flutter going off in his chest when one of Chris’s arms encircles him to cup his neck.

An odd thrill snakes up Sebastian’s spine at the realization that he'd fallen asleep in his collar.

Chris pulls back. “How’re you feeling?”

Sebastian laughs, heat creeping up the back of his neck when he notices how Chris’s eyes light up as he does. “Sore as fuck,” he answers, and Chris smirks.

“Apropos.”

Sebastian snorts, and Chris looks down at him in silence for a minute before saying fondly, “You need a shower.” Sebastian pretends to look offended, and Chris adds, “You smell like you spent the night outside a swinger’s club.”

“Did I not?” he asks in faux surprise. “But it’s Thursday!” Chris laughs, gently cuffing the side of his head.

“You look like it, too,” Chris says, but the teasing edge to his voice has fallen away. He sounds almost proud, somewhat entranced as he bows his head to kiss Sebastian’s neck, lips grazing the edge of the leather.

“Will you bathe me?” Sebastian asks into Chris’s hair, and Chris nods, teeth gently nipping just under his jaw.

“We’ll have to take this off,” Chris says, giving the collar a light tug. Sebastian doesn’t mean to, but he must react, because Chris assures, “I’ll put it right back on you,” into his skin. Sebastian relaxes, and Chris mumbles, almost to himself, “I don’t like taking it off you either.”

Sebastian gasps, and Chris is crawling over him, hands pressing into his shoulders. Sebastian lets out a pleased groan, and Chris leans down and kisses the breath out of him. When he breaks away, he whispers, “Say it,” and Sebastian doesn’t need to be told what.

“Yours,” he answers, heart racing. “Yours, always yours first. Al – ” He stops abruptly when Chris wraps a hand around his cock.

“I didn’t say stop,” Chris says, rolling his hand forward and back once, making Sebastian shudder.

Letting himself ramble, Sebastian nods. “Yours, sir. Just yours. Belong – belong to you.” Chris’s other hand rolls up Sebastian’s throat, tipping his chin back. “Only yours, Chris, pl – please – ” He swallows, and Chris’s breath hitches at the sound of his name. “Please tell me.”

Chris won’t know what he wants. Sebastian’s too scared to voice it. But Chris’s hand on his cock is keeping a slow, maddening pace and Chris leans forward to take Sebastian’s mouth in his own. The kiss is gentle and open and slow, drowsy, like Chris is still half asleep. “Look at me, Sebastian,” he says as he pulls back, and Sebastian is already staring.

Sebastian is suddenly aware he’s holding his breath, but doesn’t release it. Chris’s eyes are locked on his, and they’re both completely still save for Chris’s hand moving steadily over Sebastian, bringing him right to the edge. Sebastian’s eyes flutter for just a moment, and Chris drops his forehead to Sebastian’s.

The silence stretches on for what seems like hours. Finally, Chris whispers, “Come for me,” and Sebastian’s body unspools. His hand flies out to nest in Chris’s hair as he comes, and he hears Chris let out a breath that sounds like “ _God._ ”

They lay panting in silence for a moment, sliding back to themselves. After a while, Chris says, huffing a laugh, “Okay, you really need that bath, now.”

Sebastian snorts, but it’s cut short when Chris drags his sticky hand over Sebastian’s chest. When he looks up at Chris, his eyes are dark, trained on the mess. “Chris – ”

Chris blinks up at him. He looks startled, like he hadn’t realized what he was doing, and Sebastian stares back at him. He wants to beg Chris to do what he wants. It doesn’t matter what it is. He can always stop him, anyway. Chris reaches for his neck, and for an instant, Sebastian thinks he’s going to choke him, but it’s only to release the latch of his collar.

When Sebastian frowns, Chris sits up to kiss his cheek. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

Sebastian first notices the bruises when he crawls into the tub. His knees are dark and raw, and there are patches of skin at his ankles that have been chafed from the tie. He stares down at his legs until Chris starts to maneuver him for better angles to clean. When Chris reaches them, he digs his fingers briefly into the bruises, and Sebastian groans.

“Noticed you staring.” It’s the first thing Chris has said since they came into the bathroom. “Good or bad?”

“Good,” Sebastian answers, his throat feeling dry, and Chris runs his fingers hard over the bruise again. For the first time, Sebastian remembers the bite on his neck. He’d forgotten to look at it in the mirror. He reaches up to touch it, and pain radiates into his collarbone. Sebastian licks his lips.

Chris doesn’t say anything as he bathes him, and Sebastian lets his eyes slide closed as Chris washes his hair. He’s quiet for another minute or so before it starts to seem like an anxious silence. Sebastian wants to ask what’s got him so quiet when Chris clears his throat and stops him short. “I think you should head back to New York tomorrow.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you notice the chapter number changed, it's because I was right about misjudging. Also I keep getting overexcited and tweaking things lmao

It’s like a stone to Sebastian’s stomach. He had known he’d have to go home to New York eventually, maybe even soon, but he hadn’t thought _now._ Especially since he’d only just gotten the collar. Unless, he realizes, horrified, that his reaction to the collar is giving Chris second thoughts. 

Sebastian reaches up to clench his fist around his collar in reassurance before remembering he’s not wearing it. His fingers tighten around nothing, and he pretends he’d only meant to scratch at his throat. “Why?” Sebastian feels stupid the minute the word leaves his mouth.

He must look as upset as he feels, because Chris looks instantly remorseful, touching fingers gently to Sebastian’s face. Noticing Sebastian’s fingers on his throat, Chris trails his hand down to wrap comfortingly around Sebastian’s neck. “It’s not like that, hey, it’s – Seb, it’s okay.”

The pressure on his neck is stabilizing. A stand-in collar, tight and solid. “Sebastian, it’s all right. You’re still mine. You’re always mine. Look at me.” Sebastian’s eyes find Chris, his expression apologetic and nervous. Relief eases the tension in Sebastian’s spine. Chris hadn’t meant it. Sebastian still belongs to him.

“I – fuck. I’m sorry. That came out wrong. I want you here. Okay? It’s not like that. It’s just...it’s been about a week. It might seem weird if you stay too much longer when you’re not working on anything.” 

It feels like an excuse, but at least it’s one that makes sense. Sebastian shrugs. He doesn’t care about that, but he’s starting to think Chris does. Maybe he _should_ care. Before he can argue, Chris adds, “Did you go over the whole checklist yesterday?”

Sebastian narrows his eyes. “What?”

“You said you ‘went over some things,’ but the only thing you’d written down was the collar.” Chris pets his hair sweetly, and Sebastian watches the softness of his face. “It got me wondering if you checked the whole list over or if you just had the one thing in mind.”

Sebastian looks at his knees. He runs a thumb over one of his bruises. “You’re right,” he says after a moment. “I just...the collar.” 

“I thought so,” Chris says, planting a kiss in Sebastian’s hair. “I want you to go back over the whole checklist for me.”

Sebastian looks up, and Chris puts a hand over his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze, sending a sharp pain up into his thigh that makes him suck his bottom lip in between his teeth. “I want you to look through the things you weren’t sure of when we started, and I want you to see if you’ve changed your mind on any of them.”

Sebastian nods.

“It’ll be easier for you to decide without me around,” he says, and Sebastian nods, feeling more of his insecurity fade. That makes sense. If anything, Sebastian proved that much on his own from how he’d kept to himself yesterday.

“I don’t mean to pressure you,” Chris adds hastily. “You don’t have to change your mind on anything if you don’t want to. I just think it’s important that you check the whole thing. The collar just...you seem really affected by it.”

Sebastian can’t tell if that’s good or bad. He tries not to look at Chris, and Chris seems to realize how it sounded. He kisses Sebastian again, hand squeezing lightly at the nape of his neck. “If anything else has that sort of effect on you, I want to know.”

Sebastian smiles to himself, but doesn’t look up. He nods again. “Okay,” he says after a pause. Chris’s hand falls away from the back of his neck. “I can do it tonight,” he offers. “In my hotel room. And come back.”

Chris shakes his head. “I want you to think about it, Seb. Without influence.” He lifts Sebastian’s chin to look him in the eye. “You can come back any time you want. Or call me and I’ll be there. But if you do it here, I’m worried you’ll jump the gun.”

Sebastian nods. He understands, he does. It’s not even that he thinks Chris is wrong. But it doesn’t matter. It still just makes him feel cold.

Chris must know, because he begins doting on Sebastian the instant he pulls him out of the tub. He dries him off gently, kissing his damp neck, until Sebastian’s whole body tingles. Chris presses his thumb into the mark he left at the base of his throat. Sebastian hisses, and Chris eases off. 

“No.” Sebastian’s voice bursts out of him and he snatches Chris’s wrist, holding it to his neck. Chris looks him over.

“You really like when I leave marks on you.” It’s not really a question, but Sebastian nods, anyway. “That’s kinda dangerous of you,” he says with a smirk. When Sebastian smiles back, Chris asks, “Do you want me to leave more?” Sebastian nods again, and Chris catches him off-guard by slamming him hard against the wall. His head cracks against the tile, and he shivers.

Chris watches, enthralled. “You’re so fucking _responsive_ ,” he says, and a spark of pride makes Sebastian lick his lips. Chris drags his nails up Sebastian’s sides before pulling him close, his arms wrapping solidly around Sebastian, nipping his ear as he nuzzles into his shoulder.

It’s a little exhilarating, being held this way in nothing but a towel. He’s apologizing, Sebastian can tell. He hadn’t meant to spring going back on him like that. Knowing Chris, he’d been rehearsing how to say it in his head for God knows how long until it just came flying out of his mouth. Chris is kissing his neck, slowly pressing Sebastian back against the wall, and warmth spreads back through Sebastian’s body again.

When Chris’s teeth bite gently into Sebastian’s throat just a hair's breadth from the mark he left, Sebastian purrs. Chris pulls back just enough to mumble against Sebastian’s skin, “Do you want your collar?” When Sebastian nods, Chris’s fingers slide up to prod softly at the bruise. “All right, come here, let me take care of this first.”

Sebastian lets himself be led to the medicine cabinet, stealing a glance in the mirror as Chris is looking for something. Chris’s teeth are still a perfect imprint just above his collarbone, already surrounded with shades of burgundy and deep purple. If he wore a regular t-shirt, anyone could see.

He reaches up to touch it again just as Chris turns around with a tube of antibiotic paste. Chris looks at him nervously. “Was it too much?”

Sebastian shakes his head. “No.” It makes him feel different. Stronger, somehow. He remembers what Chris had told him in the kitchen, that he was beautiful, and the back of his neck flushes hot. He feels beautiful. Chris nudges Sebastian’s hand away to dab cream on the mark, and Sebastian watches in the mirror. 

For the first time since this started, he realizes how suddenly he’s become this person. It doesn’t feel strange with Chris here, explaining things evenly and thoroughly, always understanding. He’s worried going home will change that, that everything will start to sink in too fast. He doesn’t know if it _should_ feel strange. 

He looks down at Chris’s face, his tongue poking out between his lips as he inspects the bite for any breaks in the skin.

Sebastian smiles, and Chris looks up at the movement. “What?”

“Did you know you stick your tongue out when you’re concentrating?”

Chris works his jaw as if he’s only just now aware of having a tongue at all. He shoots Sebastian a quick glare before going back to what he was doing. “Did you know you drool in your sleep?” he asks, false bite to his voice, and Sebastian giggles. Chris grins to himself at the sound, and Sebastian feels the tension on his heart ease slightly.

“Let that dry and then we’ll put your collar back on,” Chris says, looking Sebastian over. “Aren’t you cold? Do you want to put on clothes?”

Sebastian frowns. “They’re dirty.”

Chris makes a face like he’d forgotten Sebastian wasn’t staying with him. “Here, I’ll wash them,” he says, leaving the bathroom. Before Sebastian can follow, he comes back with a t-shirt and a pair of drawstring pants from his own closet.

Sebastian is a little light-headed as he pulls the shirt over his head. It hangs off his shoulders, and doesn’t make the slightest attempt at covering the dark hickey at his throat. The pants trail at the bottom of his feet, and Chris grins at him. 

“What?”

“You look cute.”

Sebastian makes a face. “You’re not _that_ much bigger than me.”

Chris shrugs. “I’m big enough that you look cute.”

Sebastian sneers at him and tries to walk past him into the bedroom, but Chris blocks his path to the doorway. “Sebastian.” He tilts Sebastian’s chin to look him in the eye, fingers trailing back behind his jaw. He looks uncommonly flustered, and it takes Sebastian a moment to realize it’s from Sebastian wearing his clothes.

He’s mussed, bruised, and wearing pajamas three sizes too big, but with Chris looking at him that way he hears it again, going through his head like a broken record. _You’re so beautiful._

“I’m going to miss you.”

Sebastian blinks. “Huh?”

“This isn’t to get rid of you. Did I say that earlier? I don’t think I did. I don’t want you to think – I just want…” Chris looks like he’s struggling to find the right phrasing. Sebastian watches his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. “I just want you to be sure.”

Sebastian nods. He wants to tell him he already is, but he doesn’t want Chris to argue with him. “I know,” he answers softly. When Chris doesn’t say anything else, he adds, “I’m sure of the marks.”

Chris nods. “Okay,” he says, walking him back against the sink, and Sebastian startles as his hip hits the counter. “Where?”

Sebastian hesitates. Anywhere. Everywhere. It doesn’t matter. His hand twitches, wanting to reach for his throat, but he knows Chris won’t want to. “I – I don’t – ”

Chris cuts him off by hoisting him up onto the counter and tugging down his pants, not even managing to get them all the way off before leaning down to bite his thigh. Sebastian jolts. “ _Christ._ ” Chris shoves him back hard, and the small of his back slams into the faucet. Stars burst in front of Sebastian’s eyes, and Chris lets out a growl before jerking Sebastian’s legs up, getting a better angle before biting down again. 

Sebastian is slumped against the mirror and breathing heavy, hands grappling for purchase on anything before finally nesting in Chris’s hair. Chris’s next bite is precariously higher up on his thigh, and Sebastian tugs hard. Chris pulls off instantly, and for a moment Sebastian thinks he’s done something wrong, But Chris only takes it as a request to move to the other leg.

Sebastian’s head falls back against the glass with a _thunk._

Strong hands clench tight on his hips, and his eyes fall closed. He hears Chris’s voice before Sebastian is aware that he’s pulled away from his thighs. “You aren’t going to be able to come.” Sebastian swallows, and Chris kisses under his jaw. “Don’t try. Just relax.”

Sebastian nods without comprehending. An instant later, warm, wet heat envelopes his oversensitive cock, and he can’t stop shivering. He looks down at Chris’s face between his legs, his knees dropping onto Chris’s shoulders, and Chris looks up at him.

It’s too much, and he can’t come. His eyes start to sting and his throat’s tight. An instant later, tears are on his face. An uncontrolled sound bursts out of him as his body goes limp, and Chris’s eyes fall to Sebastian’s hands. Sebastian whimpers, shaking his head. “No.” His voice is barely audible as he reaches for Chris’s hand. 

“Look at me,” Sebastian manages, voice raw as Chris lets go of one side of Sebastian’s waist to wrap his fingers tight around Sebastian’s hand, eyes snapping back to Sebastian’s face. There’s electricity in Sebastian’s skin, and Chris swallows hard, clinging to Sebastian as if afraid he’s going to break apart.

Sebastian’s vision goes hazy, and he slumps back further against the mirror as Chris pulls off. With a soft tisk, he sits Sebastian up straight on the counter. He frowns, wiping his thumb over the tears at his eyes. 

“Seb…” he starts, but seems to think better of it. “I – hold on,” he tells him, kissing his cheek before he disappears into the bedroom. Sebastian mewls pitifully, embarrassed as the sound leaves his mouth, but Chris returns with Sebastian’s collar in his hands, shushing him warmly.

Sebastian bares his throat. “There’s my good boy,” Chris coos gently, securing it around Sebastian’s neck and helping him back into his pants. He wipes his face again and asks gently, “Can you walk?” Sebastian nods, and Chris kisses his temple. “Okay. C’mon, lemme get your clothes started in the wash.”

Sliding off the counter a little clumsily, Sebastian gets up and follows after him, but hesitates as he reaches the edge of Chris’s bed. Chris stops to trade his pajama bottoms for jeans and a fresh t-shirt, looking back just as Sebastian is scooping the leash up off the floor. Sebastian looks from Chris to the leash in his hand before thrusting it at him wordlessly.

“Shh, okay.” Chris takes the leash from him and snaps it into Sebastian’s collar. “Walk?” Sebastian nods, and Chris gives the leash a gentle pull, guiding him into the living room. He feels steadier with the leash. Safer.

Chris sits Sebastian down on the couch and looks him over for a second. Sebastian’s back stiffens when he wipes his eyes. “You’re still…” Chris pauses, and Sebastian can tell he isn’t sure if he should voice attention to it.

He trails off. “You’re all right?” Sebastian blinks a few times and nods, his eyes falling shut as Chris kisses gently down his face. “I’ll be back,” he says before busying himself with a load of laundry, and Sebastian waits patiently.

When Chris sits down, Sebastian burrows into him, resting his head on Chris’s lap. Chris lets out a soft hum of approval and runs his hand through Sebastian’s hair. It’s relaxing. Calming. Like he belongs. He hears the hum of the television fill the room as Chris turns it on, but it doesn’t matter what’s on. 

The room is calm and quiet, and Chris lets his fingers thread through Sebastian’s hair. They don’t say anything to each other, and Sebastian listens to Chris breathe.

The hand at his hair starts trembling before it stills for a moment, and Sebastian realizes he’s been nuzzling against the front of Chris’s jeans. Sebastian takes Chris’s zipper in his teeth and tugs it down before tearing the button open. He can feel Chris watching, his stunned silence egging him on, and Sebastian noses eagerly into his jeans to pull Chris’s cock into his mouth.

“ _Sebastian_.”

Sebastian crawls to the floor to fit between Chris’s feet. Sound dulls. Chris is gaping mutely at him. He hasn’t come since last night and Sebastian needs him to feel good. He needs Chris to want him. Chris strokes Sebastian’s face, smearing drying tears over his cheeks, and groans. “ _Fuck,_ you’re so – ” His eyes widen and Sebastian crawls into his lap as far as he can, keening loudly against his skin.

He needs Chris to come. He needs him to fuck his throat raw so that he can feel it for days. He wants to return to New York covered in reminders. He can feel the hard wood under his knees and sits up, pressing down into the floor, desperate for the sting against his bruises.

The movement makes Chris jerk, abruptly coming down his throat, and Sebastian’s eyes slide shut in relief, sucking him gently through the aftershocks before pulling off to lick him clean.

He can hear Chris gasp, and it sets off a spark in his stomach. He’s afraid to move away from his lap, keeping his face close until Chris slides fingers under his chin to pull him up.

Chris doesn’t say anything, breathing hard, staring back at Sebastian as if waiting for his cue to say something first, but he won’t. Warmth radiates through him at the idea of waiting for permission to speak. Finally, Chris’s hand moves, petting Sebastian’s cheek, his thumb rolling over his bottom lip.

He looks like he wants to say something, something important, like telling Sebastian to stay in Boston however long he wants, and Sebastian feels a coil of excited hope. But instead, Chris just smiles at him. “You’re amazing.”

Sebastian grins. That’s good, too.

The rest of the day is tame. They order a pizza and stay in. Quietly watching a movie turns into slow, warm kisses stretched out over the couch. They run out of movies and the kissing turns to talking, then back to kissing again. It’s almost midnight when Chris seems to remember Sebastian’s hotel room. “You need to head back,” he says softly, and Sebastian forces himself to look neutral. 

“Wouldn’t want to turn into a pumpkin,” he says jokingly. Chris smirks at him.

Chris helps him shed the clothes he’s wearing for his own, and when Sebastian strips down, he smiles at the finger-shaped bruises on his hips and the purpling blotches all along the insides of his thighs. Chris catches him staring as he helps him into his jeans. 

“Call me by the time they’re completely faded,” he says, straightening Sebastian’s shirt. “I’ll come make more.”

Sebastian lets out a loud breath of relief, and Chris looks apologetic, toying absently with the collar of his shirt. “This one, too,” he amends, nodding toward the mark on his neck. “It’ll take a while, but not too long.”

Sebastian nods, smiling, and Chris keeps fiddling with the way his shirt falls. “I’m...gonna get you a scarf,” he says after a moment, and Sebastian can’t help the laugh that comes out of his mouth.

“You have scarves?”

“I live in Boston,” Chris says with an air of offense as he heads toward the coat closet. He reappears with a simple black scarf and drapes it around Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian’s whole body suddenly goes warm. “There. That’ll hide the collar, too.”

Sebastian’s chest swells at the thought of wearing his collar in public, even if no one can see. As if reading his mind, Chris warns, “Be careful if you plan on wearing it out. Only whenever…” He can’t seem to think of a good set of restrictions, and amends, “Just be careful.”

“I dunno,” Sebastian says thoughtfully, “I think it goes pretty seamlessly with my look.”

Chris rolls his eyes, exasperatedly ruffling Sebastian’s hair as he walks him to the door. “You don’t have to come see me in the morning if you don’t want to,” he says before they open the door, “but I’d like you to. If you don’t, let me know when you make it home.”

Sebastian nods, and Chris adds, “Let me know when you need me.”

He nods again, and Chris shuts the door behind him.

Sebastian walks a few blocks before hailing a cab. When he makes it back to his hotel room, he sits in the dim silence for a time that seems much longer than it probably is. “Idiot,” he tells himself finally before falling asleep in his clothes.

Chris takes him to the train station the next morning. He makes him pack his collar, but the scarf feels almost like a substitute draped over his shoulders. “Let me know,” Chris tells him firmly as he helps him get his bag out of the car.

Sebastian nods wordlessly, and Chris gives him a hug.

Sebastian makes it about an hour into the train ride before his throat starts to feel tight. He looks out the window to make it harder to notice that he’s crying, and is thankful when no one seems to recognize or stop him.

He texts Chris when he makes it home, and Chris’s reply is instantaneous:

_How do you feel?_

Sebastian sighs. He feels tense and lonely and tired. _ive been better_ , he sends back, and then after thinking about it, admits: _tired kinda tense_. He doesn't want to add lonely. He doesn't want to make it sound like he's whining.

His phone chirps only a few seconds after he hits send. _Put your collar on._

Sebastian digs it out of his suitcase and clips it over his neck. Relief washes over him in a way he hadn’t expected, and he drops onto his sofa. After a minute, he texts back _thank you_.

Chris must not have even put his phone down. _Do you need anything else?_

Sebastian thinks for a moment, but he’s feeling better than he thought he would. He’s not sure if it’s due to the collar or the knowledge that Chris will come back once Sebastian’s bruises are gone. _im ok_

The next reply takes a moment to show up. _Good. Let me know the second that changes. You can take it off whenever you want to._

Sebastian smiles, feeling a little better. _yes sir_

Sebastian doesn’t know what he originally expected, but Chris’s tasks to help him never become overtly sexual. He’s reminded of when they started this, before Sebastian even really knew what they were doing. Telling him how to dress, what and when to eat. The closest thing to sexual Chris has him do is send a photo of the hickey on his throat every morning. Sebastian doesn’t feel like it’s fading, but Chris always comments on how light it’s getting.

After a few days, Sebastian starts to get frustrated. He isn’t even entirely sure why. Without Chris around time seems to take longer, his fuse is shorter. He’s oddly impatient and easily flustered. His sexual frustration is starting to get harder to ignore.

Finally, he musters up the bravery to text Chris. _i want to fuck someone_

He’s aggravated that it takes so long for Chris to reply, as if he’s planning on getting laid the minute he gives the word.

 _If you want to._ The answer makes Sebastian grumpy, and he doesn’t bother out of spite.

He doesn’t text him back at all for two days. 

At three days, Chris texts him.

_Where are you? Do you need me?_

Sebastian scowls at the text. He looks at the dishes he just dropped in the sink, thinking over the prospect of getting into a conversation about this now. Hesitating, he takes a picture of his neck. Faded, but still undeniably there. He still has to wear the scarf or collared shirts outside. 

He stares at the photo frozen on his screen for a minute, trying to think of what to say. He does need Chris. He wants him there. But there’s still evidence on his skin, so it doesn’t matter either way. He sighs, and sends the picture with the simple caption of _cant_.

To Sebastian’s surprise, Chris’s response is to immediately call him. “What’s the matter?” he says when Sebastian answers. Chris isn’t usually the type to forgo the formality of phone etiquette, so he must be honestly upset. Sebastian feels petulantly victorious.

“I’m fine.”

Chris sounds unconvinced. “You haven’t said anything to me in two days. You haven’t even sent pictures. Have I done something?”

Sebastian falls silent, his short-lived triumph fading into foolishness. “No.”

“Do you want me to come see you?”

Sebastian presses into the bruise. It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. “You can’t.”

“I can if you need me.”

Sebastian takes pause at that. He hadn’t expected it could be that easy. “I’m fine,” he repeats finally. Guilt settles heavy on his shoulders for making Chris worry, now. “I’m – I’m sorry, I’m fine.”

They talk for a few minutes after that as Sebastian washes his dishes. The more they talk about normal things, the more irrational Sebastian feels he was being. He throws his dishtowel in the sink before blurting, “I haven’t done anything.”

Chris sounds confused. “Done – what?”

Sebastian wilts shyly, feeling childish for finding it so awkward to say. For bringing it up at all. “Jacking off. Fucking. I haven’t…” He swallows, pacing into the living room. “I haven’t come since the last time you let me.”

“Oh.” Chris’s voice sounds small. “But I...I said you could?” He sounds like he isn’t sure how to react, and Sebastian sighs, disappointed and contrite.

 _You didn’t_ tell _me,_ Sebastian wants to say, but all that comes out is, “I didn’t want to.”

There’s silence on the other line. He’s about to ask Chris if he’s still there when Chris asks, “Do you want to now?”

Sebastian blinks, falling back onto his couch. “Right now?”

Chris's response is so quick he almost talks over Sebastian. "Unless you don't want to, or you think it's weird."

 _Oh._ "No, uh...now's...good."

“Okay," Chris says, letting out a breath, and Sebastian smiles at the realization that he's nervous. "Touch yourself for me.”

Sebastian’s hand slides into his pants before he thinks to put it there. He makes a quiet sound, and Chris says gently, “Keep a slow and steady pace, okay?” There’s silence for a minute as Sebastian falls into it, and then Chris’s voice is in his ear, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

Pink blooms up Sebastian’s chest and he lets the thoughts leave his mouth before even trying to organize them. “Handcuffing me to the bed and fucking me raw, don’t let me come until – ” The first real thrum of arousal moves through him and his voice stumbles.

“Until when, Sebastian, keep going.”

Sebastian groans. “Until you do. Over – over my back.” The image makes his hips jerk, and he tries unsuccessfully to wriggle out of his pants without hands. “Claim me and then parade me outside in nothing but my leash. Show – show everyone…”

“What a good boy you are,” Chris finishes when Sebastian can’t form the words. He sounds a little winded. “What else?”

“Want you to fuck me in public. Want – ” His eyes roll back a little and he has to take a breath to control himself. “Want everyone to see you own me.”

“ _God,_ ” Chris says on the other line, his voice rough.

Sebastian’s starting to lose track of what he’s saying, focused on the choked off noises Chris is making on the other end. “Tie my feet to the bed and handcuff me,” he mumbles, the words coming out too fast for his tongue. “Can’t move. Vibrator on inside me while you fuck my mouth.”

“Jesus _Christ_.” Chris makes a desperate, soft noise in the back of his throat. Sebastian’s never noticed it, always distracted with every other sensory onslaught, the sweet little sound he makes as he’s coming. 

Sebastian is trembling and needy. “Chris,” he begs, voice thready, “I need it – please…”

Chris groans, sounding sated, happy, and Sebastian’s head swims. He made him come. He didn’t even touch him, he wasn’t even there, but it was because of him.

“Come for me.”

Sebastian’s body wracks forward as he comes over his hand, realizing abruptly that he never managed to get out of his pants. He doesn’t say anything, but Chris knows.

“Good boy, Sebastian,” he says tenderly, waiting patiently for Sebastian to come down. “Have you looked the list over for me, yet?”

Sebastian shakes his head before realizing Chris can’t see him. “No.”

“Do that tonight,” he says firmly. “You’re almost all healed up.”

“Yes, sir.” He remembers the first time, and then asks hesitantly, “Can...can I be allowed to come? When I...when I look the list over, if I – ”

The words take too long to leave Sebastian’s mouth, and Chris interrupts him with a pleased hum. “Of course you can.” There’s quiet for a moment. “Is your collar on?”

“No.”

“Get cleaned up and then put it on. Look over the checklist. I’ll see you in a few days.”

Sebastian nods. “Okay.”

After hanging up the phone, Sebastian gets into the shower and washes himself off, then goes into his room to get his collar, wrapping it over his throat, almost forgetting to get dressed in anything else. When he sits down at his computer, he’s suddenly nervous. He watches the cursor blink for a long time before closing out of the window, taking an inordinate amount of time to find a pen and notepad. 

He opens his laptop again, and takes a moment to find the same checklist as before. He stares awkwardly at the heading for a while. He’s nervous now that he’ll want too much, that he’ll frighten Chris away. Chris had seemed to like what he’d said on the phone, but that had been different, in a weird heat-of-the-moment type of situation. Written down in a list, what would he think?

He’s being foolish and he knows it. Chris has never even seemed to hesitate to give Sebastian anything he’s has asked for, but what if he’s coming to the end of his comfort zone? Sebastian wonders how far Chris even went with the girlfriend who had been interested in this sort of thing, how deep they’d gone into it.

That was a downright stupid train of thought.

Sebastian jumps as his phone chirps, and he checks it to see a text from Chris. _Don’t forget to go over the checklist, Seb. Don’t be afraid if you’re on the fence about anything, we can always take something back if you decide you don’t like it after all._

He stares at the text for a minute, resisting the urge to check for Chris standing outside his window. He smiles, tension in his shoulders relaxing. _i will_

He writes down much more this time, curious of nearly everything. He’d never considered being hit with a hairbrush before, but now his cock jumps at the thought. He scribbles it down, followed by _bondage (locks)_ and _suspension (ropes)_.

He remembers doing this the first time, looking at things with a bewildered sort of alarm, but now he’s not even halfway through his first new run of the list and already squirming. He remembers crawling after Chris on the leash, how it made him feel kept and cared for, and writes it down too. 

This time, as he scrolls past the list of toys, he jots down several of them, intrigued. He doesn’t make it a full two times through the list before he’s rocking obscenely in his chair. He pulls himself out of his pants and tips his head back so that his collar pulls tight, leather cutting against his throat. 

He thinks about the things he said while on the phone with Chris. He knows they’d never be able to do anything where the public might see them – even if they were ever open about their relationship, that’s the kind of publicity no one likes to have. 

But it doesn’t matter. He wants it anyway, and Chris may not be able to give it to him, but he can let himself think about it. Of Chris dragging him down the sidewalk on his leash like a dog, naked and covered in bite marks and bruises, his back streaked with come. He feels filthy for wanting it, but he remembers the way Chris had sounded on the phone, the noises he made.

He groans, his eyes rolling back. As he comes, he remembers the first time, hunched over the toilet in his dressing room, still in his rumpled suit, the echo of Chris’s voice in his head. _Good boy._

Before he can think it through, he wipes his hand on his stomach. It’s disgusting, but perfect, and sends shuddering arousal spiking down his spine. He sleeps in his collar that night, and puts it back on after his morning shower.

He doesn’t have anywhere to be, anyway.


	7. Chapter 7

Sebastian spends the next few days biding his time. The novelty of being off work wears off just as quickly as it always does, and before long he’s antsy to get out and do things. Usually the gym is his best bet for times like this, keeping ahead of training and fight choreography, but he’s afraid to go and be seen in gym clothes before the hickey fades.

With fewer other options at his disposal, Sebastian pushes himself out of the house and spends most of his free time in coffee shops. He’s always glad he bothered once he gets there. Letting himself fiddle absently with his shirt collar or Chris’s scarf and thinking of how his collarbone looks underneath it. He always brings a book, but never reads for very long. He’s too easily distracted by people-watching, which he has to admit has gotten decidedly more interesting since becoming famous.

Whenever he notices someone staring, he likes to guess what they recognize him from. Considering his track record, it’s usually not that difficult. It tends to mostly be one of two or three roles. One morning, a girl stops him and asks him to sign her Winter Soldier comic. 

“Oh, wow, you came prepared,” he points out teasingly, smirking.

She laughs, tucking hair behind her ear. “I came up here to get some reading done, too,” she says sweetly, pointing to Sebastian’s forgotten novel. “I hadn’t expected to be this lucky.” He smiles as he signs his name neatly in the corner, his other hand gripped tight in his scarf. As she leaves his table she swipes out her phone, texting furiously, but is either too shy or uninterested in asking for a photo.

The next day, as he’s getting ready to go out again, he snaps a picture of his neck to send to Chris before trying to decide if he’d rather wear a collared shirt or the scarf. He hasn’t looked in the mirror yet, but it’s become such a habit that he’s surprised when Chris answers a few seconds later with _I’ll be up to see you tomorrow._ Grinning, Sebastian picks a t-shirt before going out for the day.

Sebastian wears his collar to bed again that night, but he barely sleeps.

Chris turns down Sebastian’s offer to pick him up at the station and takes a taxi to his place, which Sebastian is glad for when he doesn’t have to keep himself in check, nearly knocking Chris over in a hug as he opens the door. Chris lets out a laugh that makes his chest shake underneath him as he kicks the door shut behind them. “I missed you, too,” Chris says into his hair, kissing his cheek.

Fingers graze over Sebastian’s neck, freezing as they run over the leather of his collar. “Oh my God, Sebastian. You – ” Sebastian starts to pull away, momentarily panicked from Chris’s tone, but Chris’s fingers are latched in the D-ring, holding him still and close. “You put it on yourself?” Sebastian nods. “I didn’t even...tell you…”

Something vibrant burns up Sebastian’s spine. For a split second, his knees feel close to buckling. He wants to kneel. “Want – I wanted to be ready.” Chris is nuzzling into him like he can’t help himself. He tugs gently, and Sebastian falls easily forward.

“Good boy,” Chris says, taking a deep breath. Sebastian suppresses a shiver. He can tell Chris isn’t ready to fall into it just yet. It’s been a while, and he wants to be gentle. Chris clears his throat, and when he speaks again his voice is even. “Did you go over the list again?” He lets go of Sebastian, and waits until he nods. Chris nudges him gently. “Go get what you wrote down, let me see.”

He’s in the kitchen when Sebastian comes back, sliding a tupperware into the fridge. “Whatcha doin’?”

Chris glances over his shoulder. “Oh, I just...brought dinner,” he says a little shyly. When Sebastian cocks his head, Chris shrugs. “Can’t have spaghetti every night, can you?”

Sebastian rolls his eyes. “Ha ha.”

As Chris goes through the list again, Sebastian curls up next to him on the couch, smiling when Chris absently reaches up to scritch at his hair. “If I’d known you were so into being shamed I wouldn’t have been so nice to you,” Chris says teasingly after a while, and Sebastian elbows a laugh out of him. “No, this is good,” Chris says seriously. “Be sure to tell me if you end up not liking anything, though, okay?”

“I know,” Sebastian answers, and Chris kisses the side of his head. He notices the bag Chris left at the door and asks, “You stopped here before checking into a hotel?” 

Chris looks a little embarrassed. "Er, yeah. I’m sorry, should I not have? I just thought – ”

“Stay with me,” Sebastian blurts out without giving himself time to think. Chris doesn’t seem to be expecting that, either, and Sebastian wonders why. “How long are you planning on being in town, anyway? Just stay here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian crawls into Chris’s lap, kissing his face. “Totally sure.”

It’s calming, having him here. Ever since the tour ended, simply being around Chris has almost been enough. Relaxing, like an unspoken rule that control has already been passed to Chris. It’s a few hours before the itch starts to set in. Chris is toying with his hair while they watch TV on the couch, and Sebastian is becoming aware of just how much he’s trying not to squirm.

He wonders if Chris notices the tension in his shoulders, or the way he can’t stop shifting. Chris must notice that Sebastian’s practically stretched on top of him. Chris’s breath hitches above him, and Sebastian glances down to see he’s writhing right into Chris’s lap. Sebastian clears his throat and asks innocently, “Did you bring the leash with you?”

Chris smiles down at him. “Yeah, of course. Did you want it?” Sebastian nods, and Chris hops up to dig it out of his bag. Sebastian watches him move a little stiffly. “Here,” he says, hooking it into Sebastian’s collar. “Did you want anything else, or…”

Sebastian nods pensively before dropping to the floor at the foot of his couch. Chris understands, sliding his pants down his hips, and letting out a yelp of surprise when Sebastian shoves him back onto the couch to help them off completely. Chris recovers quickly and wraps the leash around his hand, giving Sebastian a little tug closer to his lap.

Sebastian opens his mouth and shuffles forward, sliding his lips down Chris’s cock until it hits the back of his throat. Chris sits up slightly, shifting back, but Sebastian keens, flexing his jaw and canting Chris’s hips back, until he can fit Chris completely down his throat.

“S – Sebastian – ” Chris stumbles over his name, and Sebastian sucks in deep, watching his face. He’s never looked so flustered before, red-faced, eyes wide. His hands are shaking, and Sebastian can feel the leash’s slack swinging against his throat. When Sebastian moans, the slack goes tight, and Chris reaches back to grab his hair.

Sebastian meets Chris’s eyes, shivering at the way he’s staring down at him. Eyes dark, mouth slack. “God, Sebastian…”

He sounds serene, and Sebastian can’t look away from him. He wants to stay here, just like this, on his knees at Chris’s feet. Sebastian swallows down hard, and Chris hisses through his teeth, one hand sliding free of Sebastian’s hair to cup his cheek. 

It doesn’t take long before Chris is nearly out of his mind, murmuring soft and slurred, the leash wrapped tight around the hand still ripping at Sebastian’s hair while the other drops to his jaw. “God, you’re such a good pet,” he moans, watching through half-lidded eyes as Sebastian curls into him until he’s gagging.

He can feel his cock straining against the fly of his jeans and he tries to move his hips in a way that relieves the pressure. His knees are stinging and his arms are starting to shake and he’s so close. He groans, and Chris shudders. “Oh, _fuck._ ” His eyes break contact from Sebastian’s, briefly rolling back before he can collect himself.

“Such a good, perfect boy,” Chris tells him shakily, and Sebastian’s cock twitches, his eyes drooping out of focus, but never leaving Chris’s face. Don’t look away. Can’t look away.

Chris seems more limp than usual, his movements slow and clumsy. His thumb slides in between Sebastian’s stretched lips and his own cock, and Sebastian feels as if his muscles have turned to lead. “Wouldn’t your mother be proud.”

Shame rockets up Sebastian’s spine and he moans. His orgasm takes him by surprise, turning on his every nerve past the point of sensation. His body is trembling abruptly with oversensitivity. He’s coming in his jeans like a teenager. Untouched, without permission.

Tears sting at his eyes. He’d wanted to be good. He whimpers and slides his mouth faster over Chris’s dick. He needs him to come now, so Sebastian can be punished. Tears are running freely now, and Sebastian can’t tell if it’s from choking on Chris’s cock or the degradation he feels for doing this after what Chris said, but it’s too fucking good to care.

Chris’s body goes tight as he curls into Sebastian, cooing gently. “You were her good boy, too, weren’t you?” he asks, and Sebastian’s whole body is shivering, tears streaming down his face.

“You came, didn’t you?” Chris asks, his voice strained. “I – I know you did, it’s okay. You're still – so good.” Sebastian watches Chris’s eyes fall shut for a moment before he can talk again. “You want to get me off before you're punished, don't you?”

Sebastian makes a soft affirmative sound against Chris's skin. Chris thrusts forward as Sebastian swallows him back down, and Chris hits the back of his throat again, the taste of come flooding Sebastian’s mouth. 

Sebastian pulls off, coughing wetly as he tries to catch his breath through tears. As he reaches up to wipe his eyes, he notices Chris staring at him. “I’m – I’m sorry,” he chokes out, but Chris grabs his wrist and pulls his hand away. Sebastian licks his lips, sniffling, and jumps when Chris’s grip tightens.

Sebastian’s voice drops. “Sir?”

Chris leans forward and kisses Sebastian’s cheek. “Are you ready to be punished?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris kisses him again, the hand still holding the leash pulling hard, and Sebastian falls forward, into Chris’s lap. It’s almost strange for him to be this affectionate before a punishment, but Sebastian melts into it, letting Chris plant kisses down his face and over his neck.

When Sebastian doesn’t answer right away, teeth sink briefly into his throat. “Speak,” Chris hisses against his skin.

“I b-bought – ” Sebastian’s voice falters when he Chris’s tongue drags over his jaw. It takes him a moment to realize Chris is licking away his tears. Sebastian’s crying had turned him on. Sebastian’s suddenly light-headed. “I bought a hairbrush.” Chris groans and pulls Sebastian bodily into his lap, tongue lapping gently at the tear streaks down Sebastian’s throat.

“And how many do you deserve?”

Sebastian’s head falls back, Chris instantly reaching up to cradle it. It takes him a moment to come up with a response, but Chris forgets to be impatient, letting go of Sebastian’s wrist to snatch a handful of his shirt, pulling him closer as he noses at the drying tears streaked down Sebastian’s neck. 

Sebastian wonders if Chris even realizes what he’s doing anymore. “Twenty,” Sebastian settles on quietly. “Don’t – please don’t hold back.”

Chris’s nails are digging into his side, holding him steady. “I won’t,” he says like a promise, his lips against Sebastian’s collar.

Sebastian thinks Chris will ask him to strip again, but he doesn’t. He reaches out and starts taking Sebastian’s clothes off himself, gently, carefully. “Do you want me to bind you?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris parrots him, pushing Sebastian back onto his knees after making him step out of his pants and peel off his sticky boxers. “C’mon,” he says, tugging hard at the leash. “Heel.”

Sebastian feels as if his brain has slowed down. He trips over his hands before shuffling to catch up, and Chris leads him down the hallway to his bedroom. It’s odd seeing his own apartment at this level, like it belongs to Chris now, too.

Chris makes him crawl up onto the bed with a gentle pull of the leash. “Come here,” he says, leaning forward to tie the end of the leash around Sebastian’s hands, forcing him to keep his head low to the bed.

Chris skates a hand down his back before asking, “Where’s this hairbrush?”

Sebastian closes his eyes and takes a breath. “Bathroom.”

When Chris comes back with it, he asks, “Do you want me to count them again?” Sebastian nods, licking his lips. 

The first hit with the head of the brush is nothing like the belt. The feeling is instant and solid, jerking Sebastian forward with a dull _thwack_.

Sebastian grunts, and Chris says flatly, “One.”

The second one hurts worse, directly on top of the first to cause a dull ache to become a sting. Sebastian hisses through his teeth, and Chris puts more force behind strike three and four. By the time Chris says “Six,” Sebastian is panting, his legs spread. He can feel the bruises already forming on his ass and thighs with every count.

“ _Harder,_ ” Sebastian hears himself beg, and Chris’s free hand is on his neck, pushing him down into the bed as he cracks the seventh hit over his ass. Sebastian moans helplessly into the sheets and Chris is breathing heavily, struggling to count loud enough for Sebastian to hear over the pounding blood in his ears.

Sebastian cries out in the next hit, nearly drowning out Chris’s muffled “Eight.” The bedsheet under Sebastian’s face is wet with tears and he can’t stop _pleading_. He just wants more, doesn’t want it to stop. He raises his hips to meet the next blow, shivering helplessly, and pain radiates through his hips.

Chris hesitates after reaching ten. He lets go of Sebastian’s neck, waiting, but Sebastian just moans, “Please don’t – don’t stop,” and eleven strikes him hard enough to throw off his balance, sending him flying forward again. 

The pain lights up his spine. He can still hear himself begging, but can’t understand the words anymore. He doesn’t even know if he’s still speaking actual words. His tongue is clumsy and too heavy in his mouth to be functioning, and he can’t stop panting long enough to breathe. Chris presses his hand into Sebastian’s nape again.

Sebastian listens to Chris’s voice, gone tight as he counts each blow, coming out in barely audible grunts, “Thirteen, fourteen – _God, Sebastian_ – ”

His words sound like Sebastian’s hearing them underwater. Sebastian’s head lulls forward, dropping onto his hands as he presses back against the blows from the brush. Every inch of him that isn’t bruised is absolutely numb. His brain has been completely turned off. His fingers are worked tight in the bedsheets. Sebastian’s mouth is still working, but if any sound is coming out at all, he knows it has to be gibberish. 

He hears _nineteen_ and he wants to come. He knows he isn’t hard again already, but he still somehow is so close. Twenty cracks hard against his ass and Sebastian crumples, sobbing out against a mouthful of sheets.

After a few breaths, he hears Chris set the hairbrush down on the bedside table as if it echos. “Sebastian?” Chris asks gently, lifting Sebastian’s head off his arms, pulling the sheets away from his face. “Sebastian, can you hear me?” Sebastian narrows his eyes, and Chris frowns. It takes him a moment to realize he hadn’t nodded, but by the time he does, Chris is untying him.

“You’re okay?” he asks carefully, rubbing at Sebastian’s wrists. “Do you remember how to stop me if you can’t speak?” Sebastian nods again before realizing Chris probably wants a demonstration. He holds out two fingers, and Chris kisses the back of his hand. “That’s it, good boy.”

Chris crawls up next to him on the bed, pulling him close until Sebastian’s head is tucked under his chin. Sebastian purrs, nuzzling close, and listens silently with his eyes shut as he slowly returns to himself. It’s always such an odd sensation, much more disorienting than sliding into subspace can be, to feel the world get sharper, to hear sounds even out.

He knows Chris can tell, because he doesn’t let go of him, keeping Sebastian pulled close to his chest as he pets back his sweat-slicked hair, shushing him gently every time he shifts too fast or whimpers. They’re quiet for a long time before Chris asks with a smirk, “Did you seriously not own a hairbrush before the prospect of me beating you with it came up?”

Sebastian feels his face redden. “I did, too!” he snaps. “It was just – it wasn’t the right kind of brush that was any good for other things. It was plastic and all skinny.” 

“Do you mean like a comb?”

Sebastian jabs his elbow in to Chris’s side, and Chris lets out a quiet _oof_ before giggling. “I know the _difference_ ,” Sebastian insists. When Chris’s smirk stays firmly in place, Sebastian grumbles petulantly, “I _brush my hair._ ”

Chris lets out a huff. “Yes, dear, I know,” he says sarcastically. “Your hair always looks lovely.”

Sebastian kicks Chris hard in an attempt to push him off the bed, blushing furiously. Chris only laughs, rolling on top of Sebastian to squish him warmly against the mattress. “I’m only teasing,” he says, kissing Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian wants to feign more hurt than he feels, but Chris whispers into his jaw, “You’re always beautiful,” and Sebastian has a moment of disconnect.

Chris slides a hand under Sebastian’s leg to squeeze high up on his thigh, and Sebastian hisses in pain. “I’m gonna get something for these. Do you have any lotion in the bathroom?” Sebastian nods, and Chris pats his leg, gentler this time. “You okay?” Sebastian nods again, and Chris gives him a kiss before disappearing into the bathroom.

Chris wipes him down with a warm cloth before turning Sebastian over. “These are probably going to stick around for a while.” Chris sounds a little apologetic as he tends to his bruises. “I didn’t think I was getting carried away, but – ”

“You didn’t,” Sebastian assures him. “I really, really wanted it.”

Chris makes a low _hmm_ sound, but doesn’t say anything, getting to his feet and rummaging through Sebastian’s dresser. Sebastian blinks. “What’re you looking for?” he asks softly, shifting to look at him as much as he can from the angle Chris left him in.

“Some – ah, found some.” Chris is suddenly back at his side, handing him a nicely worn pair of sweatpants that he usually wears to the gym. “These seem pretty soft, I want you to be careful. Jeans are probably out of the question tonight.”

“I’ll be fine,” Sebastian tells him, but he takes the sweatpants and sits up slowly to put them on. “I wanted – ”

“I know you did,” Chris interrupts understandingly. “But now I want you to be comfortable, okay?” It seems important to him, so Sebastian falls silent.

He nods. “Yeah, okay.”

Sebastian has trouble sitting still the rest of the day, instead opting to curl against Chris with his head in his lap while they relax on the couch. Chris absently draws patterns over Sebastian’s arm they watch TV until he breaks the silence with, “You hungry?”

Sebastian looks up. “Um,” he remembers Chris slipping something in his fridge and nods, smiling. “Yeah, what’d you bring me?” 

Chris smirks. “A pot roast.”

Sebastian blinks, sitting up so that Chris can get to his feet and wander back into the kitchen. “You made me a pot roast?” he asks, following at his heels. Chris doesn’t look at him as he takes the tupperware out of the fridge.

“Well, no,” Chris admits, and Sebastian is almost positive he’s blushing. “I just brought you one.”

“From where?” Sebastian asks cautiously. Chris laughs again.

“My mom’s.”

Sebastian doesn’t know why he’s smiling. “Your _mom_ made me a pot roast?” he asks, and Chris shrugs, chuckling.

“It came up last night that I was coming down to visit and she wanted me to bring you dinner,” he says casually, separating the tupperware into two bowls.

“You tell your mom about me?” Sebastian says with a mockingly flirtatious tone.

Chris shrugs. “I tell my mom everything,” he answers, honest and casual, sliding the first bowl into the microwave.

Sebastian pales at that. “What?”

Chris turns his head. It takes him a moment to understand Sebastian’s reaction. “Jesus, God, not _everything._ ”

Sebastian nods, but he still has to ask. “Does she know that we’re, um,” he gestures between them. What even is this? They still haven’t really discussed anything in the matter of how to address it. After a pause that is far too noticeably long, Sebastian decides lamely, “...Sleeping together, or…”

Chris shrugs, checking the time on the microwave. Sebastian wonders if it’s because he doesn’t want to look at him when he answers. “Yeah.”

Sebastian’s not sure how to react to that. He blinks. “Okay,” he says shakily.

Chris turns back to grin at him. “Oh, what?” he asks teasingly, sidling up to Sebastian to slide his thumbs into the waistband of Sebastian’s pants. “Afraid of what she’ll think of you?”

“Exponentially,” Sebastian answers flatly, but Chris is still smiling.

“It's fine,” Chris says honestly. “We're sleeping together. It’s the 21st century, she's not expecting us to get married.” Sebastian opens his mouth to respond sarcastically, but the microwave dings obnoxiously, and Chris pulls away to tend to it.

The moment’s gone, but the comment still seems to hang over Sebastian’s head. Chris presses a bowl into Sebastian’s hands. “Go sit down,” he says firmly. “Wait for me.”

“Yes, sir,” Sebastian mumbles, hesitating a moment before waiting for Chris in the living room. He doesn’t touch his food, tugging at the drawstring of his sweatpants distractedly until Chris joins him, smiling and kissing the top of Sebastian’s head before sitting down.

Sebastian doesn’t say much while they eat. The fabric of his pants is getting thin at the knee, and he picks anxiously at it while he tries to wrap his mind around what Chris had said. It’s niggling at the back of his mind for what seems like hours before Chris finally asks, “Is it okay? You’re not really eating.”

“What – erm…” Sebastian looks down at his bowl. “What exactly did you… _say_?”

He feels stupid for being so vague. For a minute, Chris looks as if he’s going to repeat himself asking if Sebastian is all right before it dawns on him. “Oh, just…” Chris frowns, then looks perplexedly down at his own bowl.

Sebastian finds it comforting that Chris can be just as awkward about this as he is, sometimes. “She was asking how the tour went, if things went well, yanno, yadda yadda yadda.” He takes another bite of roast and chews it slowly, and Sebastian lets himself follow suit.

“She worries about me a lot when I do press tours, you know, with my anxiety – so I told her we’d kinda started something up during the tour that helped with the stress a lot, and she was glad to hear it. Which is when she insisted on me bringing you the pot roast when I mentioned coming up.” 

Sebastian wants to ask for details. How he explained ‘starting something up’ exactly, and if she asked for an elaboration on what it meant. He must still look wary enough, because Chris adds lightly, “She’s not going to call you up and expect you to clarify your intentions with her son.” Sebastian scoffs. Not like he’d have an answer. If anything, he’d want to ask her that question in reverse. 

He clears his throat to try and refocus. “Well, it’s delicious,” he says with a smile. “Tell her thank you.”

Chris laughs, like it’s a joke, but there’s an ease in his shoulders as they finish eating.

After dinner, Sebastian teases that he shouldn’t have to wash dishes, considering Chris wasn’t actually the one to make dinner. “I did the heavy-duty dishes from the actual cooking of the pot roast,” Chris points out defensively, but starts to get to his feet until Sebastian tugs him back onto the sofa. 

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” he says, rolling his eyes as if it’s far more work than it is. “I’ll do them.” 

The water is just heating up when Chris comes behind him and reaches over to turn it off. Sebastian doesn’t react until after Chris takes the bowl from his hands and places it back in the sink. Sebastian smiles confusedly. “What’re you doing?”

Chris doesn’t answer, thumbs sliding into the waist of Sebastian’s pants and shoving them down his thighs, reminding Sebastian abruptly how much they ache. Sebastian goes still, and Chris sets down the bottle of lube from the bedroom to wrap his other hand around Sebastian’s throat. 

Chris pulls Sebastian down until he has to splay his hands out on the counter, bent practically in half over the sink. “ _Fuck_.”

Chris is silent as he preps him, free hand holding Sebastian down by the back of his neck. He doesn’t know what brought this on, but his anticipation is almost palpable. He spreads his legs, wincing, and Chris maneuvers him forward, up on the counter so Chris has a better angle to slide into.

He fucks into him hard, slamming Sebastian against the counter with every thrust, and Sebastian lays flat against it, begging helplessly. It’s never felt so good so suddenly. “More, God, harder please _more_ …” The pain as each thrust makes contact against his bruises makes it feel as if Sebastian’s bones are melting out of his body. 

He’s so sore he can’t stop whimpering. Chris stops holding Sebastian down and pulls him up against his chest, pressing them as close together as he can. A quiet “yes” falls out of Sebastian’s mouth as he reaches back to run a hand weakly through Chris’s hair. 

Chris still hasn’t said a word, shifts his angle until he’s fucking into Sebastian with enough force to nearly lift his feet off the ground. Sebastian can barely speak anymore, groaning breathlessly.

Sebastian’s skin is tingling, vision blurring. His head drops back heavy onto Chris’s shoulder, and he sees the side of his face, sweat on his brow, biting hard into his bottom lip. He’s looking down, eyes fixed on Sebastian’s shoulder, and he’s never looked more beautiful.

Sebastian takes a moment to finally work his jaw correctly. “Chris…” His voice comes out low, enraptured in a way that Sebastian would be embarrassed of if he had the capacity to feel anything else than what he’s feeling now. Chris doesn’t look at him, but his eyes slide closed, and he lets out a low breath over Sebastian’s shoulder. 

Chris pushes a cut-off grunt through his teeth and Sebastian cries out at the sensation of Chris coming inside him. He’s dizzy and limp and Chris pulls out so fast Sebastian nearly crumples to the floor, left hunched over the kitchen sink as Chris tucks himself back into his pants, snatches the lube up and walks away.

Sebastian takes a moment to collect himself before peeling away from the counter and following after him, whimpering.

He doesn’t adjust or clean himself off in any way, because Chris didn’t say he could. He hadn’t said he could move, either, but Sebastian needs him. He trips slightly over his pants dropping over his feet as he makes his way into the living room. Chris is stretched over the couch watching TV as if he’s been there the whole time. When he notices Sebastian, he gives him a smile, and pats the edge of the cushion.

Sebastian drops to his knees beside the sofa, but Chris grabs his chin, forcing eye contact, and tisks. “All right, c’mon,” he grumbles, patting his chest once, and Sebastian jumps up, curling up on top of him. He makes a noise as he gets situated, his cock still hard, and Chris drops a hand onto the nape of his neck. “Shh, it’s all right.”

Sebastian nods, trusting, but it’s another few minutes before Chris reaches down to stroke his dick. Sebastian squirms, but Chris’s grip on his neck tightens.

“Be still.” Sebastian nods, and Chris holds him there, stroking his cock until his breathing shudders. “You want to come?” Sebastian nods, and Chris pushes him up enough to slap Sebastian’s face. “Answer me properly.”

Sebastian’s still having trouble finding words. “Y – yes, sir,” he slurs quietly, and Chris pulls him back to his chest, cooing appreciatively.

“Go ahead, baby,” Chris says gently, and Sebastian lets go like the snap of a whip. Chris is careful not to let him make a mess before lifting his hand to Sebastian’s mouth, the other tugging commandingly at his hair.

Sebastian opens his mouth obediently and sucks at Chris’s fingers until he pulls them away clean with a soft _pop_. Sebastian drops his head and rests contentedly against Chris’s chest for a moment until there’s a hand tugging at his collar. He jumps back on instinct, but Chris holds his head still with one hand as the other threads the collar off his neck.

“You’re filthy,” Chris says, shoving him off the couch. “Go shower.” Nodding, Sebastian gets to his feet and stumbles into the bathroom. It feels oddly unnatural to be standing in the shower. He looks down at the smooth porcelain and considers kneeling, but Chris isn’t there to tell him to, so he doesn’t.

Sebastian’s mind is blank as he drags soap over himself. It stings against his welts, and he shudders at the feel of come running down his leg. The water is burning against against his skin, and he watches his chest and arms turn red as he stands there.

He washes himself over twice, sliding soapy fingers inside himself before taking the shower head down to rinse himself off. Chris had made him filthy. He almost wants to stay that way, because it’s Chris, but Chris wants him to be clean. 

The lotion is sitting on the sink when he steps out of the shower. He’s not sure if Chris expects him to, but he squeezes some into his hands to rub back onto his welts. It’s odd, doing it himself, but it’s still nice. 

He takes his time, but Chris is still lounging on the couch whenever Sebastian comes back out into the living room. He pulls the towel off his waist and runs it over his scalp to dry his hair. 

Chris glances up at him, and without a word Sebastian shuffles back to his side. He knows Chris wants him here. He doesn’t have to waste time saying it. Chris looks pleased as Sebastian kneels at his feet, a smirk on his face as he runs a hand through Sebastian’s hair.

“Good boy,” Chris says gently, locking the collar back around his neck. “I need you to be good for me.”

Sebastian nods silently. He’ll do anything. 

“I’m going back home tomorrow, and I need you to be completely honest with me when you need me, okay?”

“What?” Sebastian’s voice cracks, and he realizes he hasn’t said more than two words in nearly an hour. Chris frowns, and Sebastian shakes his head. He doesn’t want to leave, Sebastian _knows_ he doesn’t. 

“I have to go home, Sebastian, I can’t stay here.”

“You just got here,” Sebastian insists, crawling into Chris’s lap. “I still need you now.”

“Don’t get greedy,” Chris says firmly, and Sebastian reacts without thinking, biting down on Chris’s throat. Chris jerks, and Sebastian releases him instantly. Chris pulls him back to look him in the eye, and the look on his face makes Sebastian shrink back.

“What was that?” he asks firmly. Sebastian feels like a child being scolded for acting out. Chris doesn’t hit him like Sebastian expects, like he wants, and he isn’t entirely sure what that should mean. When Sebastian doesn’t answer, Chris’s expression softens, and he repeats, “What was that for?”

“Stay,” Sebastian says, breathing hard – nervous. “Stay, you promised to stay.”

“I _am_ staying,” Chris says, infuriatingly genuine in his confusion. “I’m not leaving until tomorrow.” Sebastian glares at him, but Chris just sighs. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” Sebastian doesn’t know what to say to the look on Chris’s face, so he drops it.

“It’s fine,” he says, even though it isn’t. “We can, um. We can get to bed, if you want. If you’re going to leave in the morning.” It’s passive-aggressive of him, and Chris makes a face.

“I don’t have to leave in the morning,” he says. “The last train for Boston leaves after midnight, I can stay.” 

That does make Sebastian feel a little better. He nods, feeling guilty when Chris yawns. “Okay,” he says. “Let’s go to bed, then.” He tugs Chris’s hand, and Chris lets himself be led into the bedroom. “I’ll make us breakfast in the morning.”

Sebastian finds it irritatingly impossible to stay angry about it when Chris curls sleepily around him, pressing a kiss into his collar. “I’ll make us lunch,” Chris promises quietly, and Sebastian squeezes his hand.


	8. Chapter 8

They sleep later than they mean to, and take even longer to actually leave the bed when Chris won’t stop kissing him. Sebastian starts eggs while Chris is in the shower, but they end up overdone when Chris comes out, pressing him back against the counter and sliding a hand down his pants.

Chris holds Sebastian close, cradling his head into the crook of his neck as he jerks him off. Sebastian wishes Chris would let him see his face, but he’s left focusing on the sound of Chris’s breathing as he brings Sebastian off. Chris keeps Sebastian still against him for a moment, and then pulls away to wash his hands and scrape practically burnt eggs onto a plate for himself with a smile on his face.

It’s almost like he’s teasing Sebastian, acting cool and collected in between the moments he jumps him to pin him against the nearest surface. It’s almost as if the ticking clock he set on his own visit has made Chris insatiable. He can’t seem to keep his hands off of Sebastian for even barely long enough to eat. Sebastian would say something about it if he didn’t think it would stop. As it is, Sebastian can’t get enough, either.

Their dishes are still sitting in front of them on the breakfast table when Chris pulls Sebastian off his own chair and into his lap. “How’re those bruises?” he asks sweetly, sliding his hand up the back of Sebastian’s thigh and squeezing. Sebastian hisses and nods, as if that’s an answer, and to his surprise, Chris takes it.

“I’m gonna fuck you again,” he says, toying with the waistband of his pants, and Sebastian nods again. “Good boy.” There’s something exhilarating about staying silent. The way Chris makes answers for him. Chris slides his finger through the D-ring of Sebastian’s collar. “I want you to ride me.”

Sebastian shivers and nods, already trying to wriggle out of his boxers. Chris smiles at him. “I brought you a present,” he says. “I was thinking about saving it for next time, but you’ve been such a good boy…”

Sebastian’s pulse speeds up. He smiles, and Chris grins back at him, proud. He tilts his head and mumbles, “You’ve been quiet this morning. So let’s make a deal.” Sebastian is already nodding, and Chris tugs him a little closer. “I want you to only speak when I ask it of you for the rest of the day.” A shiver wracks through Sebastian’s body and he nods, mouth going slack. He wonders again, distantly, how Chris seems to read his mind.

“Safewords excluded, of course.” Chris runs his fingers over Sebastian’s lips. “And if you can be good, I’ll give it to you early.” Sebastian swallows, his tongue rolling over the pads of Chris’s fingers. He nods again and a smile quirks at the corner of Chris’s mouth.

“Go get the leash, baby.” 

Sebastian falls out of Chris’s lap, stumbling to find the leash. He finds it on the floor of the bedroom, and when he kneels to pick it up, the thought goes through his head to stay on his knees. He wants to be good like Chris told him to. 

His heart is hammering in his chest, his whole body tingling. He wants to be good. He wants his present. He can be good. He takes the leash in his mouth and crawls back into the living room where Chris is waiting on the couch, his pajama bottoms riding low on his hips as he strokes himself lazily.

He freezes when he sees Sebastian, his eyes widening. “Oh, fuck.”

Sebastian drops the leash at Chris’s feet. As Chris takes it in his hand, Sebastian bows, kissing the floor in front of him, and Chris groans. Sebastian doesn’t lift his head right away. This is where he belongs. This is where he wants to be.

“Sebastian…” Chris calls for him, but Sebastian just feels safer. Powerful. He kisses the toe of Chris’s sock, and Chris pulls it away, resting his heel on the back of Sebastian’s neck. “Other one,” he says, sounding breathless, and Sebastian shifts, low to the ground to kiss his other foot. He keeps his face there for a moment, and then gives in to the instinct and drags his tongue over it.

“Don’t be filthy,” Chris snaps, lightly kicking his other foot under Sebastian’s chin to nudge his head up. Sebastian goes easily. His vision is blurry, but he can still see the expression on Chris’s face is almost wicked. “Your tongue has much better uses than that.” He leans down to take Sebastian’s mouth in a kiss. Sebastian swallows a whimper at the tug of the leash locking into place, and Chris gives it a quick, hard pull. “Up.”

As Sebastian crawls onto his lap, Chris tucks his finger into the waistband of his boxers. “These come off.” Sebastian nods and wriggles out of them, leaving them on the floor before straddling Chris’s thighs, lighting up at the way Chris smiles. 

Chris starts to prep Sebastian without a word, staying silent until the slow, maddeningly gentle pace of his fingers has Sebastian shivering in his effort to keep quiet. “My good boy,” Chris says, his voice low. Sebastian bites his lip. “You’d do anything for me, wouldn’t you?”

Sebastian nods wildly, his jaw dropping when Chris’s fingers curl inside him. “Tell me.”

“Anything, sir,” Sebastian croaks, straining to keep still. _Be good be good be good._ The hand wrapped around his leash snaps down, forcing him to stoop forward.

“Tell me why.”

“Yours,” Sebastian groans, and he’s so close he knows without a doubt that even just Chris’s breath on his cock would be enough to make him come. As if Chris can tell, his fingers start to move slower, dragging the pace until Sebastian is grinding his teeth to hold still. “Because I’m yours, sir. You own me.”

Chris hums appreciatively, and Sebastian lets his forehead drop to Chris’s shoulder as he slides in a third finger. “Yes, I do.”

Sebastian lets out a breath that sounds too much like _yes_ , and Chris pulls him back by his leash to slap him across the face. Sebastian flinches at the way it rushes to his cock. “Only when I say, Sebastian.”

Sebastian whimpers, nodding, and Chris lets him drop back against his chest with a gentle, sympathetic noise. “Don’t speak without permission again, Sebastian, or I won’t be able to give you your present.” Sebastian nods, grateful for the second chance. Chris kisses his cheek, still sore from the slap. It’s somewhere between a tease and an apology, and Sebastian swallows hard and breathes out of his nose as arousal makes his head swim.

He won’t speak. He wants to be good. The hand wrapped around Sebastian’s leash rubs soothingly at his neck. Chris wants to give Sebastian his reward, too, Sebastian knows that. He would never tease him fruitlessly. He wants it just as much as Sebastian does.

Sebastian’s breath hitches as Chris pulls his hand out of him, giving the dark bruised flesh on his thighs one hard smack before shifting Sebastian over his cock. He hesitates wordlessly, meeting Sebastian’s eyes, and Sebastian nods, sucking in a breath through his teeth as Chris slides into him.

Sebastian groans, stretched wide enough that his head is spinning. He grips hard onto Chris’s shoulders and pushes up onto his knees, dragging himself back down and over again. He hears Chris gasp and moves faster, harder, skin burning at the soft little noises he’s making against Sebastian’s ear. The hand still clinging to the leash fists in Sebastian’s hair and he cries out, eyes rolling back as Chris rips his head back to look at him.

“You’re so close, aren’t you?” Chris says quietly, free hand rolling briefly over Sebastian’s cock. Sebastian doesn’t stop moving, trying to blink Chris into focus as he nods. “You won’t come, though, will you?” Sebastian shakes his head, even as Chris strokes his cock again. 

“You’re such a good boy, Sebastian. Always such a good boy.” Sebastian nods again, and Chris releases his cock to slide fingers into his mouth and wet them. The sensation of something on his tongue works like a switch, shutting off every higher function. His mind is losing track of himself, his body going blurry, floating. 

As Chris pulls his hand away to wrap it back around Sebastian’s cock, Sebastian catches him watching his hands. “Still with me, baby?” he asks, his voice sweet, controlled. Sebastian nods. With him. Always with him. He licks his lips, and Chris mirrors him. Chris’s eyes are glazed and sliding in and out of focus and Sebastian forces himself to move faster.

Chris lets go of Sebastian’s cock to wrap his hand around his hip to hold him still. “Bite me,” he says, his voice winded, and Sebastian only wants to do as he says, never wants anything else, but Chris still has a hand clenched hard in his hair, keeping him in place. “Shoulder,” he specifies, and Sebastian nods. “Hard as you can.”

Sebastian opens his mouth to say ‘yes, sir’ before remembering he’s not allowed to speak, instead leaning forward and sinking his teeth hard into Chris’s shoulder. Chris _screams_ , and slams hard into Sebastian. White spots jump in front of Sebastian’s eyes as he tightens his jaw into Chris’s skin.

Chris’s hips are snapping into Sebastian so hard his body sags forward into Chris, moaning around his shoulder when Chris comes into him. Sebastian hears the soft, breathy whimper against his ear. Chris still hasn’t let him come, still hasn’t pulled out of Sebastian, but he tugs once on Sebastian’s hair and Sebastian relaxes his jaw, giving the deep indents he left small kitten licks until Chris tugs at his leash.

“Look at me,” he insists, and Sebastian pulls away to make eye contact. Chris still looks a little taken aback as he reaches up to cup Sebastian’s cheek. He doesn’t say anything at first, searching Sebastian’s face for a moment before pulling him into a quick kiss.

His hand is back on Sebastian’s cock before he pulls away, keeping their eyes locked. “Come,” Chris says without warning, and Sebastian’s orgasm crashes through him before he can even shut his eyes. 

Sebastian is still shuddering when he shifts in Chris’s lap, stretching Chris to lie down on the couch so that he can scoot down easily enough to lick his come off Chris’s stomach. Chris watches, dumbfounded. He’s silent until Sebastian’s licked him clean, and then says hesitantly, “Sebastian?”

Sebastian looks up from Chris’s lap, eager, and Chris cups his chin, pulling his face up close to his. The touch is unnaturally intense on his skin, and Sebastian closes his eyes, shivering. Everything still feels too hot, too close. Chris sounds oddly inquisitive when he asks, “You can speak, Sebastian. Tell me how you feel.”

Sebastian’s tongue darts out to wet his lips. It’s a difficult question that takes too many words. He whines. He wants to be good, wants to answer, but he can’t. He can’t think. Too much. It’s too much. His skin is on fire. He just wants to be good. “Want…” he opens his eyes to see Chris waiting patiently. He swallows, and Chris rolls his fingers down Sebastian’s throat. His eyes light up at the sound Sebastian makes.

“You’re still so tense,” he points out. Sebastian nods without thinking, and Chris tilts his head. “Does it feel like you’re going to come again? Tell me.”

Sebastian looks at him confused. “I – ” he lets out breathlessly, “I...can’t, I…”

Chris tisks at him, gentle, stroking his cheek. “Let go, Sebastian. Come for me.”

He doesn’t, but it’s something else. Something full-body and heavy and Sebastian can’t control himself, keening and pressing into Chris as hard as he can as the feeling shoots through him. His heart is pounding against his ribs and his head is clearer than he can ever remember it feeling.

Chris can’t seem to stop touching him, his hands stroking his face, petting his hair. “I’ve got you,” he says, and Sebastian realizes he’s trembling. “I’ve got you, it’s okay.” Sebastian doesn’t know how long they sit like that, Chris rocking him as he stops shivering.

“We should take a bath,” Chris finally says. “I’m going to take off your collar, okay?” Sebastian means to nod, but when Chris reaches for it, he flinches. “I’ll put it right back on you, okay?” Chris tells him gently, kissing the side of his head. “I’ll be right with you.” Sebastian nods, but Chris doesn’t reach for it again, instead taking him by the leash to lead him into the bathroom first.

Chris starts the bath before turning around to unbuckle the collar, but as he reaches for it, he stops. He considers something a moment before instead tugging at the leash. Understanding, Sebastian drops to his knees. He hits the tile hard, loud enough to cause an echo. Pain radiates through his knees, and he chokes off a groan.

Chris walks to the edge of the tub, sitting on the lip as it fills. He tugs the leash again and Sebastian drops onto his hands to crawl to his side, keeping still as Chris unhooks his collar and sets it on the counter by the sink. He grins as Chris shucks his boxers to step in first. Chris has never bathed _with_ him before. He’d already showered this morning. He doesn’t need to, Sebastian realizes, going warm. He wants to.

Settling against the end of the tub, Chris leans back and shuts his eyes, getting comfortable. Sebastian watches, his eyes landing on the mark he’d left, dark red and bold just above the tattoo on his clavicle. Sebastian’s fingers reach out to touch it before he even realizes he wants to. Chris doesn’t stop him. It’s small and easy to hide, but undeniably there, saying in its own way the same thing Sebastian’s marks say. 

Chris belongs to Sebastian, too. 

It’s quiet, the water in the tub barely making the lapping sounds it should as it hits the edge of the tub. Chris’s hand reaches up to touch Sebastian’s, and they sit frozen that way for a moment before Chris snaps out a sharp whistle that makes Sebastian react like a puppet on a string, crawling into the tub beside him. He touches the bite mark again, and this time Chris pulls his hand away. Chris sits up to reach the shampoo, his other hand wrapping protectively around Sebastian to keep him pressed close to his chest.

His hands work up a lather, and Sebastian goes practically limp as Chris cleans him off, kissing down his neck, hands rolling over him as if he’s made of glass. When he gets to Sebastian’s knees, they’re already starting to bruise. Chris presses a finger into one, and Sebastian hisses.

There’s a small twitch at his back, Chris wanting to react, to ask if that had been too much. Sebastian nods before he can worry. It’s okay. It’s good. He wants it. Chris’s hand goes steady before sliding down his leg. Sebastian leans back and Chris washes him in silence. His hands are solid and uncommonly gentle, and Sebastian is reminded of when they had sex after he told Chris he wanted the collar, how shy and careful he’d been at first.

When they’re finished, Chris climbs out first, so that he can help Sebastian out of the tub and dry him off himself. Without a word, he snaps the collar over Sebastian’s neck and leads him into the bedroom, where he makes Sebastian sit at the edge of the bed while he gets dressed. Afterward, he dresses Sebastian, who slides into the clothes like a ragdoll, smiling when Chris compulsively straightens his shirt.

Sebastian lets himself be led back into the bathroom, taking a seat on the toilet as Chris readies the razor. He doesn’t react when Chris takes off his collar this time, only swallowing as Chris places it in Sebastian’s lap. Sebastian expects it to be different than the first time, when he’d been tied down, and it is, but the control is the same. Chris still owns him. His body still sinks heavy under Chris’s touch.

As Chris finishes, wiping his face with a warm cloth, he asks, “Sebastian, can you speak?”

Sebastian’s voice croaks as he murmurs “yes, sir,” and the words feel somehow odd in his mouth. Wrong. At first, Sebastian thinks it’s just from underuse, but at the perplexed look on Chris’s face, he can tell it’s something else. It takes him a few seconds to realize he’d answered in Romanian.

He’s not sure if he’s allowed the permission to correct himself. Chris doesn’t say anything, so neither does Sebastian, bearing his throat silently as Chris latches the collar back into place. He gives the leash a quick jerk, and Sebastian drops to the floor onto his hands and knees. “Heel,” Chris says, his voice hesitant, breathy. He’d liked it. Sebastian keeps to his side as Chris leads him into the dining room.

When Chris releases the leash at the foot of the table, Sebastian sits back on his heels, waiting. Chris makes an odd noise before tisking, tugging gently on the D-ring of his collar. “No, Sebastian. Eat like a gentleman. You’re not being punished.”

The implication that Chris would punish him that way, forced onto the floor to eat on his hands and knees like a dog, makes his stomach flip. Sebastian gets shakily to his feet and Chris pushes him gently back into the chair. He waits quietly in his seat, listening to Chris work in the kitchen. He’s in there for nearly an hour, but Sebastian stays put. Chris doesn’t call out to him, so he stays silent.

Sebastian’s not sure what he’s expecting when Chris comes out, but he’s surprised by the meal he sets in front of him. It doesn’t look like a quick lunch Chris could’ve whipped up in his kitchen. It looks like something he would order in a restaurant. When he doesn’t immediately pick up his fork, Chris hands it to him.

“Erm, salmon, blackberry salad, and wild rice.” He looks a little embarrassed as he says it, like he thinks he’s tried too hard. Sebastian’s the one that had these things lying around in the kitchen. “Not as good as if my mom would’ve done it, but I gave it my best shot.” He sits down with his own plate before gently ordering, “Eat.”

They eat in silence for a few minutes before Chris asks, “How is it?”

He sounds genuinely nervous, which makes Sebastian smile. He nods, but Chris tells him, “You can speak.” 

“Delicious, thank you,” he answers, hesitating as he finds his voice again. The rest of the meal goes by without conversation, and as they finish, Chris insists to at least help with the dishes.

It’s nice, having him there. They don’t talk, but Chris leans over at one point and kisses his throat, chuckling when Sebastian drops the pan in his hands. As they make their way back into the living room, Chris wraps his arms around his waist. “Go wait in the bedroom. Take off your shirt, but leave your jeans on. I’m going to get your present.”

Sebastian darts to his room before Chris has even finished his sentence. He gets tangled in his shirt as he tries to wriggle out of it, blushing when he hears Chris giggling from the doorway behind him. He turns to see Chris set the leash and a thin black cardboard box on the nightstand. It’s wider than a jewelry store box, but looks about the same.

“Shh, relax,” he says gently, helping Sebastian easily out of his shirt. “Go sit down. Back against the headboard.” Sebastian does as he’s told, his skin prickling with anticipation. “If it’s too much, how do you stop me?” Chris asks, opening the box. He doesn’t take anything out of it, and Sebastian can’t see at this angle.

“Red to stop, yellow to slow down,” Sebastian parrots automatically, a thrill going up his spine. Chris always checks the safewords when they’re doing something new. “Two fingers if I – if I can’t speak.”

Chris nods. “Good,” he says. “You, uh...mentioned, on the phone,” he says vaguely. It isn’t often Chris sounds so shy and hesitant. Sebastian cranes his neck to try and see what has him so flustered. “I thought we’d...try, um.” He pulls his hand out of the box, and Sebastian’s heart jumps in his throat. Chris is holding a pair of shiny silver handcuffs. “If you don’t – ”

“Want it,” Sebastian cuts him off, holding his wrists out together in front of him. “Want – I want it.”

Chris nods, but only latches one wrist before threading the other half through the woodwork of the headboard. He hesitates, giving Sebastian an out, but Sebastian only holds out his other wrist.

When they lock in place, Sebastian remembers how the collar felt, the first time Chris put it on him. A sense of calm he hadn’t been aware of needing, like noticing how his hair was standing on end only after it’s been smoothed back down. He feels dizzy, almost drunk. He opens his mouth, and Chris runs a thumb over his lips. 

“I – I wanted to try something,” Chris says, and Sebastian is nodding before he’s even finished his sentence. Anything Chris wants. Always, anything. Chris is keeping his eyes locked on Sebastian’s, holding his head still to keep it from lolling back. He hasn’t even touched him and Sebastian’s already sliding back. “It might not work,” Chris adds. “If you don’t like it, we don’t have to do it.”

“Want it,” Sebastian says again, his voice gone thick and clumsy in the span of a minute. The metal of the cuffs is digging into Sebastian’s wrists and making him sluggish. “Want any – anything…”

“Okay.” He reaches back for the box, pulling out a thick band of black silk before bowing back over Sebastian. “I’m – I’m gonna need you to…” It’s odd, to see him this nervous. It makes Sebastian want to touch him. He clenches his hands into fists, and Chris’s eyes automatically follow the movement before he takes a breath and looks back at his face.

“I want you to picture we’re somewhere else. Where people can see.” Sebastian’s mouth falls open, and Chris glances at his hands again before wrapping the silk over his eyes, and everything goes dark. “Where do you want to be, baby? Who sees?”

“Set” is what falls out of Sebastian’s mouth, and he hears Chris swallow hard. “A-Anthony, Scarlett, Grillo.” Fingers trail down his chest, and he shivers. It feels so different, blind. More dangerous. Intoxicating.

“Is anyone else there?” Chris asks, breath in his ear. “Do you want the cameras on?”

Sebastian’s body jerks in response. “Yes.” He can barely speak, can hear his words getting harder to understand already. “Want ev – everyone to...see…”

He can feel Chris crowd over him and tries to picture it, backed up against a wall as everyone watches them, the crewmen told to keep rolling.

“Do you just want them to watch?” Chris asks, and Sebastian hears the leash lock into place. “Or do you want me to let them fuck you?” Sebastian’s breath catches at the thought of Anthony fucking into him while he sucks Chris off, of Scarlett’s legs hooked around his back while Grillo pounds into his throat.

“Want… _fuck_ ,” he moans helplessly, and Chris lets out a little hum, unbuttoning Sebastian’s pants and shucking them off.

“They’re all watching you, Sebastian,” Chris says, his voice gentle. “They all want you, every single one of them.” Sebastian groans at the feel of lights on him, of a hundred pairs of eyes trained on him as Chris slides a warm, slick finger inside him. “And I’ll let every single one of them have you, if you say the word.”

Sebastian whimpers, and Chris keeps talking. “I’d let every single one of them fuck you raw and sore, until you’re filthy and covered in come and can’t even stand.” Sebastian can barely contain himself, moans growing embarrassingly loud as the crowd around them presses closer, all watching as Chris reduces him to nothing more than the perfect pet.

“Do you know why?” Chris asks, sliding in another finger. Sebastian shakes his head, and Chris purrs against his neck, nuzzling his collar. “Because I’m the one holding the _leash,_ ” he hisses, punctuating the last word by ripping down on it, making Sebastian’s head jerk forward. “Because I could let anyone have you any way they want and know without a doubt you’ll still come crawling back to me so pretty on your hands and knees.”

Sebastian throws his legs around Chris’s back, nodding helplessly. “Yes,” he says, not sure if he’s allowed to speak but unable to help it, “only you, always you. Show – show them, please.”

“They’re all watching you, Sebastian,” Chris says, a hand dragging slow and heavy over his face. “Don’t disappoint them. Give them what they’re here to see.” Sebastian groans and shifts eagerly as Chris pulls his other hand out of him.

“Yes, sir,” he says, shaking and desperate. “Fuck – fuck me, let them...let them watch you – ” Chris cuts him off, snapping his hips hard into Sebastian, and he shivers at the scrape of denim against his bruised thighs. “Claim me,” Sebastian finishes with a gasp.

“You look – so fucking beautiful, Sebastian,” Chris growls into his jaw, his voice breaking as he pounds into him hard enough that Sebastian slams full-body against the headboard. “Want everyone to...see how pretty you beg.”

“Yes, sir,” Sebastian manages, head cracking hard against the wood. Stars burst through the darkness of the blindfold, and for a moment they feel like camera flashes, crewmembers unable to stop themselves, saving mementos on their phones. The rush it gives him makes him dizzy. “Fuck me, I – I need it harder, pl – please, sir, please…I want – them to see.”

Chris lets out another growl, louder this time, and hammers with more force into Sebastian’s hips, too much for Sebastian to be anything but slack in Chris’s arms. It’s addictive, the attention, and he wants everyone to know. “Claim me,” Sebastian says desperately, and Chris shivers.

It’s so small, Sebastian almost misses it, but he needs to feel it again. “Claim me,” Sebastian repeats, spurred on when Chris reacts again to say it over and over, “Claim me claim me claim me…” He doesn’t know how many times he’s said it before he lets himself slip back into Romanian, sparked by the way Chris goes nearly wild, nails digging hard into Sebastian’s hips as he pumps into him. 

“God, Sebastian,” Chris is keening into his shoulder, “God, don’t stop – fuck – fucking beautiful don’t stop don’t stop d-don’t…” Sebastian’s head slams back against the wood again and everyone is gaping at them, Chris still fully clothed, in complete control while Sebastian’s stretched naked, chained to the wall for everyone to see. He belongs to Chris, entirely, completely, and everyone knows.

“You’re such – a good pet,” Chris groans, and Sebastian moans at the feeling of him shivering again. “Ev – everyone wants to make you come, everyone is so eager to fuck you…” Sebastian doesn’t realize his mouth is hanging open until the hand holding his leash lets go of his hip to slide a thumb over his lips again.

“Tell them who owns you,” Chris says softly, barely a breath over the sound of the bed slamming back against the wall. “Tell them.”

“You do, Chris,” Sebastian groans, coming out all as one word. “You, just you, o-only you – ”

Chris’s hand clenches in his hair, the leash pulling taut, and pleas start to fly from his mouth in a rush. “Please, sir, please let me come I need it please want them to – to see you make me come tell me please tell me – ”

“No.” Chris sounds far off, satisfied and warm, like he’s already come himself, and Sebastian’s eyes roll back. He’s so close and Chris is pressed so tight against him, hot and solid. “Tell them – when you’re allowed to,” Chris orders breathlessly.

“Only when you say, sir,” Sebastian moans. “Only when...you tell me…” He can tell it’s getting harder to understand him, because Chris grabs his chin.

“Louder.”

“Only when you tell me,” Sebastian repeats, bursting out of his chest as Chris pushes his hips forward to change the angle. “Only...you – you tell me…”

“That’s right,” Chris says, holding onto Sebastian so tight that he knows there’s going to be marks. Chris sounds like he’s losing his grip on himself, his voice more of a growl than words. He folds Sebastian’s legs back as he picks up speed and Sebastian sees white. “Because you’re _mine._ ”

Sebastian nods, but when he moves his mouth, he can’t force his voice to work. He’s so close, he just wants to come. Every inch of him is twitching to keep still as Chris snaps his hips into him. “Only mine, Sebastian,” Chris hisses in a breathless ramble, and Sebastian groans when he can feel the tremor of Chris latching onto the headboard by his hands. “You belong to _me._ ” 

Sebastian nods, practically salivating at the thought of this happening in front of anyone. Scarlett, Anthony, and Grillo watching as Chris possesses him completely. No one else would even feel allowed to touch him without getting permission from Chris. 

“Could keep you here, just like this,” Chris says wildly, ripping up on the leash and making Sebastian’s neck snap back with a quiet gag. “Just – just like this, so that you’re – always ready and waiting for me.”

Sebastian can barely tell what he’s nodding to anymore, but if Chris wants it he’ll do it. He’ll do anything. “Look at you,” Chris sounds awed, “I’ve made you such a greedy little cockslut. That’s all you want anymore, isn’t it?” Sebastian nods, trembling as Chris slides two fingers in his mouth.

Sebastian can feel his brain slowing down. He doesn’t know if Chris tells him to or not, but he’s suddenly aware that his only function is to suck Chris’s fingers down. _Good boy, be good. Can’t fall out of practice._

His body feels as if it’s unravelling. Something hot and bright exploding under his skin. He can’t come, not now, Chris hasn’t told him to. Chris is holding him down now, keeping him steady, forcing Sebastian perfectly still as he thrusts into him. He must be so close, Sebastian can barely understand what he’s saying.

“They’re all watching you, Sebastian, how you’ve turned into this just for me. Ev – everyone sees...what a good boy you are.” There’s a hand suddenly at Sebastian’s jaw, holding his head steady. “And you are,” Chris purrs, “ _such_ a good boy, Sebastian. Always so good.” There’s a pause, and then he adds, “If only your mother knew what an obedient little boy you are.”

Humiliation spikes through arousal, driving him closer to the edge, and Sebastian whines, fists clenching against the cuffs to keep a hold on himself. He can’t come. Not until Chris says. He’s not allowed until Chris says. Has to be good, he wants them to see how good he is. He wishes Chris’s fingers were still on his tongue.

“See, look how good you are,” Chris says. “You only make mistakes once. My perfect boy.” Sebastian’s ears are pounding. He can barely hear Chris over the sound. It’s all he hears for a moment, and then a quiet, keening noise. “You want me to claim you?” Chris says finally, his voice unnaturally rough. “You want everyone to know?”

Sebastian can’t form words, can hardly nod, bearing his neck dazedly to the side. He expects Chris to bite his shoulder, the collar riding too far up his neck, but Chris sinks his teeth into skin just above the leather and growls.

Sebastian cries out, but it only makes Chris bite down harder, until Sebastian goes entirely limp in his jaw. He’s still reeling when Chris pulls out of him so fast Sebastian is jerked against the handcuffs. He mewls Chris’s name, but it’s barely out of his mouth before come lands hot and thick on his chest. Chris grabs his chin with his slick fingers and snarls, “Come now.”

Sebastian’s orgasm tears through him, the jolt causing his arms to strain against the cuffs, and the metal cutting into raw skin makes him moan, simpering, aftershocks wracking him almost as hard as the orgasm had.

He doesn’t realize he’s lost time until he’s suddenly aware of the fact that he can see, Chris holding the blindfold in one hand as he watches Sebastian blink back into the light. Sebastian reaches for him, only to discover he’s still bound to the headboard.

“You ready for me to free you, now?” he asks gently, and Sebastian watches him reach over for the key, sitting at the edge of the nightstand. It hadn’t been there before. Sebastian must look confused, because Chris explains, “I tried to unlock you a minute ago and you begged me not to.” He reaches up and touches Sebastian’s face.

“That was...I wasn’t expecting that to get so intense. I – I got a little…” A tremor rolls through Sebastian, and Chris clears his throat. “I watched your hands but I’m sorry if I...are you okay?”

Sebastian nods. He’s staring, and Chris’s eyes duck down for a moment. “Are you – do you want me to get you out?” Sebastian nods again, and Chris avoids his eyes as he unlocks the handcuffs from around Sebastian’s wrists, leaving them limp in the headboard.

Sebastian lets his arms fall to his sides, looking down at his hands in his lap until Chris reaches over to massage his wrists, careful of the skin scraped raw and pink. “You sure you’re okay?” he asks hoarsely, finally leaning forward to try and meet Sebastian’s eyes.

Sebastian nods. Chris makes a face. “Can you speak?” Sebastian nods again, and Chris stops rubbing the feeling back into his arms to tilt his chin up. “Are you still locked in?”

Sebastian blinks, hesitating before nodding again. “Yeah.”

“Okay,” Chris says calmly, shifting so that he has his back against the headboard too. “Okay, c’mere.” He pulls Sebastian into his lap before he can climb into it himself, wrapping his arms around him tight. “Just lie still. I’ve got you.”

Sebastian shuts his eyes, feeling everything come back in scattered pieces as Chris pets his hair from his face, whispering every few minutes, “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” At one point he reaches up to curl his fingers in Chris’s shirt, and Chris’s hand instantly covers his.

Sebastian refuses to look up at the clock.

“I’m sorry,” Chris says after a while, “if that was – was too much, I didn’t mean…” He clears his throat. “I wasn’t expecting to...get so carried away.”

Sebastian shakes his head, and Chris pulls him up into his lap to face him, tilting his neck back to check the mark he’d left. A dull roll of arousal thrums through Sebastian as he lets himself be maneuvered with ease, Chris’s thumb running over the mark, sparking up a residual sting.

“Fuck,” he croaks. “That’s...really high. And it looks _bad._ ”

Sebastian can’t hide the smug little smile that tugs at his lips. “Good,” he says quietly, but Chris hears, frowning.

“I wasn’t thinking – Sebastian, I’m so sorry.”

Sebastian can feel himself pouting. “Want it,” he says softly, reaching up to touch the mark with his fingers. His body is still fading in and out of focus, like he isn’t in complete control of it. Chris watches him curiously, nudging his chin to look him in the eyes. 

“Sebastian? You sound...are you still locked in?” Sebastian doesn’t want to answer. He leans forward, kissing Chris’s neck, and revels in the way Chris can’t seem to keep from wrapping his arms around Sebastian’s back.

“Stay,” Sebastian breathes into his jaw. “Don’t go. Keep – keep me here. Just like this.” Chris’s grip on him tightens, just for a moment, and Sebastian’s chest swells.

“Sebastian, I – ” He pulls Sebastian back, petting his face. “I can’t, I have to take care of you. I want you to sit still while I get you some water, okay?” Chris pushes him gently onto the bed, wrapping the blanket around him before getting up. “I’ll be right back.”

Sebastian tries to squash the pitiful feeling before it swallows up the afterglow. Chris comes back into the room with a glass of water and some antiseptic, and Sebastian sits in silence as he dotes on him, daubing antiseptic on his wrists and throat. He takes a few gulps of water before Chris puts it down on the bedside table and pulls Sebastian back into his lap.

It’s comforting, Chris affectionately kissing his wrists, keeping him in a tight, safe grip. The cold air is always the first thing Sebastian is fully aware of once coming back down, unless Chris is there to keep him warm.

“Coming back yet?” Chris asks, pulling closer around Sebastian, as if protecting him from something. Sebastian sighs. He wishes he weren’t. He nods, and Chris kisses the top of his head. Sebastian goes tense when fingers brush against his bruise. “Does it hurt?”

“S’good,” Sebastian says softly.

“It’s not,” Chris answers with a tisk. “You can’t hide this easily at all. I shouldn’t have – I’m sorry. I got...I got caught up, and I shouldn’t have…”

Sebastian wants him to say it again, over and over. _I got carried away. I got caught up. Couldn’t control myself._ But he sounds so genuinely distraught that Sebastian cuts him off. “I would’ve stopped you, Chris. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want.”

Chris nods a little distantly, his thumb still moving back and forth over the mark on Sebastian’s neck. It’s starting to make Sebastian go limp. “Chris – ” he says after a moment. “That’s – it’s...not helping me stay – ”

“Oh.” Chris pulls his hand away, and Sebastian flinches at the loss. “Shit, sorry, I…” he trails off, and his voice gets low, curious. “Really?” Sebastian nods, and Chris can’t seem to help himself. He presses his thumb back into Sebastian’s throat. “Just this?”

Sebastian’s breath catches and he nods, looking up to watch the way Chris’s eyes go dark. “You really _are_ mine, aren’t you?” he asks, and Sebastian gasps as he presses harder into the bruise. 

“Yes,” he moans, starting to feel warm. “Al – always.”

Chris seems almost entranced by him, and Sebastian’s whole body is thrumming with anticipation. If he can just get him to stay tonight, he’ll have him. He just needs him to stay one more night.

Chris almost has him pressed flat against the bed when he seems to realize himself. “Fuck. I – I can’t…” he pulls Sebastian back into his lap, cupping his face, and Sebastian wants to scream. “Sebastian, I’m sorry,” he says gently, cradling his jaw. “I can’t stay,” he says again. “I...shit, I’m sorry.”

Sebastian’s eyes are stinging, so he looks at his lap so Chris doesn’t see. “It’s fine.”

“You’re so good,” Chris murmurs, kissing down his neck. “You’ve been so good for me.” Sebastian lets himself melt into it when Chris’s lips graze over his bruise. He wants him to bite down again. He wants it to scar. Chris is breathing heavily against his skin, as if he’s considering it. “Sebastian, I…” Fingers brush light against Sebastian’s neck, but Chris flinches away when Sebastian bears his throat.

“Chris?” Sebastian asks, reaching to clench his fingers in Chris’s hair. “Are _you_ still locked in?”

Chris exhales loudly against Sebastian’s neck. “I – ” he swallows. A hand slides over Sebastian’s arm, going tight around his wrist. “I want you…” he says, trailing off, and Sebastian jumps at the opportunity.

“Want me to what?” he asks quickly. Whatever it is, he’ll do it. Anything to keep Chris here.

To his surprise, Chris only moves away from him. “Fuck. I should go,” he says suddenly, pushing Sebastian off his lap with a kiss to his cheek. Disoriented, Sebastian jumps to his feet, shuffling back into his boxers, but Chris is already grabbing his things.

“What?” Sebastian calls after him, trailing at his heels. “It’s still early! You said – ”

“I – I know,” Chris says awkwardly, “but I didn’t really...think that through. It’d be after three by the time I got home. I – I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, but I – ”

“You can just stay,” Sebastian begs shamelessly, grabbing Chris’s wrist. “I’ll take you to the station tomorrow, just stay. One more night, please.”

Chris looks pained, and Sebastian is afraid he’s cornering him. He takes a step back, suddenly nervous that something’s wrong. “I – at least let me...I’ll get dressed and take you to the station now.”

Chris stops him, latching onto his elbow. “I can’t let – I can’t let you be seen dropping me off sporting that,” he says, nodding at the bruise. “It’s – that’s too conspicuous. If someone notices…” Chris trails off, and Sebastian tugs his arm away. He opens his mouth, but can’t force anything to come out before Chris leans forward and kisses him.

“Call me,” he says gently. “Anytime you need me.”

“Bullshit,” Sebastian barks back, and Chris jumps, startled.

“Sebastian…”

Sebastian rolls his eyes to downplay the tears he can feel on his face, clenching his jaw to get a hold of his voice before spitting out, “Just go.” Chris stands there for a minute, one hand outstretched inches in front of Sebastian, looking hurt and confused. Sebastian’s blood boils, furious, because he has _no right._ “Leave!”

Chris hesitates, but nods. “Um…” he starts, and Sebastian wants him to argue, wants him to say something, wants him to _stay,_ but he just nods again. “Okay.”

As the door shuts behind him, Sebastian crumples, stumbling back onto the couch before breaking down, tears streaming down his face. He tears off the collar and throws it on the floor.

By the time his phone chirps with a text, Sebastian is lying across his sofa staring blankly at the ceiling. He glances down at the screen. _I’m sorry._

He ignores it. Absently, he runs his thumb over the bruise on his neck, making sure it’s still there, that it happened. For a split second, Chris forgot his own stupid rule and gave Sebastian what he wanted.

If nothing else, at least there’s that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYTHING IS RUINED~ \o/


	9. Chapter 9

Chris texts him four more times before actually attempting to call, which Sebastian also ignores. He tries to busy himself with making dinner, but standing makes him feel abruptly ill, as does the thought of food. At a loss, he crawls dejectedly into bed and lies there, staring blankly at the wall as he listens to his phone go off. 

It’s strangely hard to breathe, and even harder to focus. He knows he should eat, should shower, should get up and do something, but he doesn’t even want to move. He wants to sleep, but he can’t. There’s a lump in his throat that makes it impossible to ignore until he lets himself cry again.

When his tears die back down, Sebastian checks his phone. Chris had at some point sent a text saying he had gotten home and was going to bed, apologizing again and begging for Sebastian to call him in the morning. Sebastian doesn’t answer, but he lets himself listen to the voicemail Chris left.

_“I shouldn’t have – I made a mistake. I should’ve stayed. I’m sorry. I was just...it’s gotten so hard to – shit, it doesn’t matter. I’m a fucking idiot. You wanted me to, and I was overthink – God. Fuck. ...Look, if you tell me you want me to, I’ll come back. I want to come back. I mean I – shit, only if you want me to. ...Please answer me.”_

He sounds like he’s been crying. Sebastian listens to it three more times before falling asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up to another text. _Please call me._ He ignores it for several hours, until his phone rings again. He lets it ring, watches the message icon light up in the left-hand corner and frowns.

_i dont want to talk to you_ he sends back finally. Chris doesn’t respond.

A few hours later, Sebastian listens to the second message. Chris sounds slightly panicked, and there’s a sudden, unfair stab of guilt deep in Sebastian’s ribs.

_“I just need to know you’re okay. I hope – I hope we’re okay, too. I’d understand if we...weren’t. Um. I hope we can...oh God. I hope you can still work with me. I hadn’t thought...”_ His voice cracks, and he’s quiet for a few seconds. _“Shit, okay. I – I’m just calling to check on… You seemed so upset I just need to know you’re okay. I’m so sorry. Please talk to me. I – I can come back up to see you, if you want, or...I just hope you’re okay.”_

Sebastian saves it with the other message and tosses the phone on the couch. He ignores the nauseated swoop of his stomach as he moves too fast and throws himself in the shower, scrubbing roughly at his skin until he’s gone pink. 

His phone chirps as he storms into his room, and Sebastian decides that he’s going to leave it behind when he goes out. He barely even wants to, but he can’t stay alone in his apartment anymore. 

He spends too long getting dressed. He doesn’t know what to wear. He feels somewhat lost without any sort of direction. He stares blankly at his open closet for what feels like an hour, but is probably only a handful of minutes. He tries to ignore the off-balance feeling of doing this himself when he feels this way, but can feel the corners of his eyes start to burn as he stands there too long.

When Sebastian finally decides on an outfit, he wears things he knows Chris wouldn’t pick just to spite him. He doesn’t bother to cover his throat, and after a brief debate with himself, decides he doesn’t want to hide behind sunglasses or a hat, either.

He has the strangest desire to get caught, to wind up on some tabloid pointing out his awful fashion choices and blatant hickey on his throat. He wants Chris to see and know it’s his fault. He knows he’s acting like a bratty little child, but it doesn’t matter. 

For the first few hours he spends out of the house, if anyone recognizes him, they don’t let him notice. He blames it on being too obviously moody to seem approachable at all. By the time he notices cameras, he’s had a cup of coffee and a cookie, and is able to smile. He wants to smile, despite feeling like shit. He wants to at least _look_ happy. He hopes Chris sees. 

He spends the rest of the day relatively unnoticed, pretending not to see the various paparazzo trailing after him. All of them, he realizes, disappointed, are snapping photos too far away and at the wrong angles to show off his throat. They give up on him quickly without saying anything to him. Hickey or not, wandering aimlessly around New York apparently doesn’t make interesting enough news. He ends up back at his apartment before sundown. 

There are no new messages on his phone when he gets back. The earlier sound had only been a warning of dying battery. Sebastian’s not sure if he’s relieved or disappointed. He wants to be relieved. He’s mostly just incensed.

He listens to both of Chris’s messages again that night and wonders why he’s still so livid when all he really wants is for Chris to talk to him.

It’s another day before Sebastian’s rage boils over. He’s past seething now. He wants to hurt him. He texts Chris without letting himself think it through. _i want to have sex_

Chris’s answer is instant, and Sebastian can’t tell if his laugh is out of amusement or fury. _I can catch a plane._

_not with you,_ Sebastian answers, _im just asking for permission_

This time, it’s a solid five minutes before the reply pips into his phone. _Sebastian, you haven’t even spoken to me since I left. I can’t give you permission unless you talk to me._ Before Sebastian can react, a second message pops up: _I just need to know if you’re okay._

Sebastian glares at his phone for a moment before sending back _fuck you_.

He tosses the phone frustratedly into the couch, just shy of irate enough to aim for the wall. Fuck him, then. Sebastian doesn’t have to do what Chris says just because he said it. _"Only what you want, Sebastian."_ He gets to his feet. Fine. What he wants. He _wants_ to go out.

He spends longer than he should in front of the mirror, running his fingers over the bruise up high and visible on his throat. He knows he should cover it this time, if he’s trying to pick someone up, but he doesn’t want to. He wants to get caught. He wants people to know. He’s tired of pretending to care as much as Chris does.

He pushes into the bruise hard, and hisses at the way it throbs. His eyes sting and his throat is tight, and he can’t stop staring.

_“You want me to claim you? You want everyone to know?”_

While rifling through his bedroom closet, he catches sight of the handcuffs still dangling in the framework of the headboard. He’d completely forgotten them. How had he not noticed them there before? A flash of rage shoots through him, and he rips them away from the wood, throwing them to the floor.

Sebastian considers leaving his phone at home again when he hears it going off like crazy with messages from Chris, but at the last minute, he mutes the ringer and slides it into his back pocket without looking at any of them, and catches a cab to a club downtown.

He’s barely there an hour before he senses eyes on him and looks up to see exactly what he’s looking for. He smiles and hops off his seat to wander over. “You look familiar,” the guy tells him, and Sebastian can never tell if that’s a line or not since getting famous.

It doesn’t matter. What matters is that he’s tall and built and blond and doesn’t seem too interested in talking. “I get that a lot,” he says in an attempt to hedge any further questioning. “You wanna get out of here?”

The guy grins at him. “There’s rooms upstairs, if you’re interested.”

Sebastian doesn’t ask the guy’s name, because he doesn’t care. To be fair, the guy doesn’t ask his, either, not that Sebastian would tell him if he did. Sebastian can’t really shake the thought that he’s an asshole for letting the other guy get the room, but he doesn’t want to risk recognition with his credit card, and the guy doesn’t seem perturbed by it.

When they make it inside, Sebastian has trouble looking at him. In better lighting, he’s easier to distinguish from Chris. He clears his throat and asks shyly, “Can you get rough with me?”

“Huh?” 

Sebastian cringes. Of course he had to find someone who has no idea what he means by that. The thought of an escort service bounces through his mind, but he rolls his eyes before he can even fully think it through.

“Just – uh, just…” Sebastian remembers the humiliation he’d feel whenever Chris would demean him, but that always felt different. Thrilling. This is just mortifying. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. 

Sebastian shakes his head, trying to clear the doubt from his mind. He needs this. “Hit – hit me. Choke me. That kind of thing.”

“Oh,” the guy answers, sounding a little surprised, but at least not disgusted. “Sure thing, man. I don’t judge.”

Sebastian looks at the floor as they both undress, and the guy takes him by surprise when he throws him against the wall. “Want me to fuck you? Against the wall like this?”

Sebastian nods, focusing away from his face. Looking too closely brings out his differences too much. “Yeah, just – hard.”

The guy smiles, and Sebastian’s stomach twists. He shouldn’t be doing this. Chris told him no. Why is he here? Why is he doing this? He watches the guy coat his fingers with a packet of lube and wonders why he didn’t think this through.

The guy at least gives him what he needs, fucking him so hard into the wall his head cracks against it with every thrust. He wraps his legs around the guy’s waist and groans, “Choke – choke me. Please.”

It’s like the guy had been waiting for it, fingers wrapping instantly around his neck and squeezing hard. His hands are strong and rough and perfect. Sebastian shivers, whimpering, and he hears the guy swear. “ _Yes,_ ” he whispers quietly, “feels – yeah, hit me.”

The hand at Sebastian’s throat loosens slightly. “Man, you’re fucked up.” He says it fondly, like it excites him, and Sebastian feels arousal roll through him. “Like this?” he asks hesitantly, his other hand pausing briefly before cracking his palm across Sebastian’s face.

Sebastian’s ears ring abruptly as the side of his face bursts in pain. He keens, and his knees buckle hard. “Hold me – don’t stop…” he mumbles helplessly, and the guy pins Sebastian’s throat back against the wall with his forearm.

“Good?” he asks roughly, and Sebastian nods, his eyes rolling back. “Want me to slap you again?” Sebastian nods again, biting his lip as the guy’s hand connects with his cheek. His face is burning and he can’t swallow against the pressure on his Adam’s apple. “Good?” The guy asks again, and Sebastian takes a deep hard breath against the guy’s arm.

He forces his eyes out of focus before looking up. It could almost be Chris looking back at him this way. “Tell me you love me,” comes out of Sebastian’s mouth, panting through the grip on his throat. The guy’s rhythm falters, just barely, and Sebastian backpedals. “I’m not ask – asking you to mean it. Please just tell me. Just…”

“Jesus.” There’s a long pause, and Sebastian can tell the guy is wondering if he should keep his arm pressing into Sebastian’s jugular as he says it. Thankfully, he only pounds his hips into him harder before letting out, “I love you.”

It almost sounds right, through the echoing thump in Sebastian's ears. It’s enough to make him come, shuddering and limp, but he’s not even come down completely before guilt curls in his chest. What is he doing? Why would he go against Chris?

The pressure on Sebastian’s throat is getting tighter, but his body isn’t responding to the things he’s trying to tell it to do. His mouth won’t open, his hands are numb. He doesn’t remember telling this guy his safewords. Did he do that? Why wouldn’t he do that? 

It doesn’t matter, anyway. He can’t do anything. The edges around his vision go black and his body starts to sag against the wall. Sebastian wonders if the guy would even stop if he blacked out. It’s not as if Sebastian can’t breathe at all – the guy’s hold is tight but it’s not _that_ tight – he just can’t move. Why can’t he move?

This isn’t subspace. He remembers Chris sending him information on crashing, and feels a lump in his throat at the realization that this is probably it. God, it’s probably been the last few days. He can barely remember how he got here. His skin is cold, the hair standing on the back of his neck, he can feel goosebumps pimpling over his skin. He’s terrified, and he deserves it. Chris told him not to do this. He shouldn’t get to enjoy it. 

The guy lets go of him abruptly when tears start pricking at Sebastian’s eyes. Sebastian coughs, forcing oxygen back into his lungs. He falls to the floor when the guy pulls out of him. Tears are streaming down his face and he hears, “Shit man, you okay?”

He shakes his head, and the guy takes a step back. “I’m – ” Sebastian manages, “I’m...fine. I just – ” He can’t stop coughing. It’s strangely harder to breathe now without anything against his neck. The guy just stands there watching him, and Sebastian feels as if he’s going to vomit. “I need…I need to call my – my…” What can he even call Chris? What are they?

He doesn’t even know if they’re anything anymore.

He feels as if he’s about to have a panic attack. There’s a hand on his neck, tilting his chin, and Sebastian winces. Fingers brush the bruise on his throat, as if the guy is just now noticing it. “Yo, I don’t gotta worry about some angry boyfriend coming to kick my ass, do I?”

Sebastian chokes back a sob and pulls away. “Shit.” The guy starts getting dressed before Sebastian can even say anything. He stares panicked at the door before kneeling down to check on Sebastian again. “Look, do you need me to call an ambulance or something?” 

It’s nicer than Sebastian deserves for using this guy. It’s making all of this so much worse. “No,” Sebastian says firmly, tears blurring his vision as he wakes up his phone. “I just need to call him. I’m – I need him.”

“Sure, man, like I said, I don’t judge.” Sebastian bites his tongue to keep from telling the guy that he should. He deserves as much. Instead, he just looks up and watches the guy fasten his pants and belt back up as quickly as he can manage. “Just...don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t think _I_ wanna be here when _he_ is, okay?” 

Sebastian swallows against another sob. He wants to tell the guy that it doesn’t matter. He’s sure Chris won’t show up, anyway. But the guy flies out the door before Sebastian can form the words. He hears the latch click without catching, but can’t force himself to move. He stares blankly at his feet. The used condom is still lying on the floor. The guy hadn’t even come.

His phone’s screen goes dark again as Sebastian loses his nerve. Chris is going to hate him. He should. Sebastian doesn’t deserve him, anyway. He doesn’t even deserve punishment from him. All Chris would do is make it okay, and Sebastian doesn’t deserve that. 

His head is swimming, and he presses back against the wall for stability. He draws his knees up to his chest and drops his head back. He doesn’t know what else to do. He’s frightened and unmoored and only one thing ever helped with that and he can’t have it.

He may not deserve Chris, but he _wants_ him. He turns his phone back on and finds his number, dropping his head in his hand as he presses the phone to his ear.

Chris picks up on the first ring. “ _Sebastian._ ” He sounds so relieved that Sebastian is calling, and it makes Sebastian’s stomach roil queasily. Sebastian drops his head back against the wall. He doesn’t know what to say, and Chris, confused, asks, “Sebastian? Can you hear me?” 

Before he can force any words out of his mouth, Sebastian breaks down, curling in on himself, sobbing helplessly into the phone. Chris’s mood switches abruptly. His voice wavers slightly, which makes Sebastian flinch. “Sebastian? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian manages finally, “I’m – I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

He can hear Chris moving around, the rattle of grabbing keys on the other end of the line. He’s saying something, but his mouth is away from the speaker, and Sebastian can’t understand him. Before he can ask, Chris’s voice is suddenly loud and clear in the phone again. “Where are you, Sebastian? I’m gonna come get you, okay?”

It’s what he wants, but Sebastian shakes his head. “No, I – I don’t – I….”

“I’m coming to get you, Sebastian. Tell me where you are.”

For a moment, it feels like an order, but Chris’s voice is shaking too much. Sebastian listens to the rushing sound of him running, the various _dings_ and _clicks_ of him getting into his car. “Seb, I need you to talk to me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Do you know where you are?” Sebastian flinches. Chris shouldn’t care this much. Not after everything. Why is he still trying to help him? Sebastian’s surprised he even answered the phone after everything he’s done. “Hey!” Chris’s voice is sharp, but not mean, snapping Sebastian back to the conversation. “Seb, c’mon. You gotta answer me, okay? Do you know where you are?”

He swallows hard. He doesn’t want to say. If Chris doesn’t hate him now, he’s definitely going to hate him once he finds out where Sebastian’s been. He’s going to hate him, and Sebastian is going to lose him. 

The car starts loudly on the other end of the line, and Sebastian tries not to panic. “Yeah.” He blurts out the name of the club quickly, then gives him the room number before he can convince himself not to, and is met with silence.

It’s over. That’s it. Chris has to be angry with him now. Why did Sebastian even do this? He can’t even remember now what made him so furious in the first place. Whatever it was, it was something trivial and ridiculous, and now Sebastian’s lost Chris for nothing. “I’m sorry,” Sebastian says again, his voice thick. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry – ”

“Sebastian,” Chris says, cutting through his apology, and Sebastian falls silent. Chris sounds flat, like he’s reaching the end of his ability to force his voice to stay even. “Are you – ” Chris clears his throat. “Are you alone?”

Nervously, Sebastian answers, “Yeah.”

“Okay.” Sebastian can’t tell if Chris sounds relieved or even more worried at that answer. “Are you – ” he swallows hard. “Are you safe?”

“Mhm,” Sebastian manages. His can feel tears tracking down his face again. He can’t stand himself. When Chris doesn’t respond soon enough, Sebastian assumes Chris hasn’t heard him. “I – yeah.”

Chris lets out a long, relieved breath. “Okay,” he says again, so quiet Sebastian almost doesn’t hear him. “Okay, it’s going to be okay, Sebastian. I need you to stay put, okay? Don’t – don’t move.”

The line goes dead without another word, and Sebastian lets his phone fall to the floor.

In trying to not make the mistake of thinking too much about what will happen when Chris gets there, Sebastian can only focus on how badly he’s ruined everything else. That guy had said Sebastian looked familiar. What if he eventually realizes why? What if he sees him on TV, and then suddenly the whole world would label him as the type to pick up strangers in clubs?

The whole world would know what Sebastian had asked him to do.

There’s no telling what that would do to his career. If Marvel would even want to keep him on contract. Sexuality might not be a problem for Disney, but if the specifics of what he did in bed didn’t stay tightly enough behind closed doors, Sebastian can’t be sure they’d want a sexual deviant as a company headliner.

His mind wanders stubbornly back to Chris, then. They wouldn’t work together anymore. And what if Disney found out he had any part in it? What would happen to _him?_ Sebastian feels tears in his eyes again. How could he possibly be this stupid? He’s freezing and scared and he just wants to be home. He just wants _Chris._

Everything in him is numb except for the heavy thoughts swirling around in his head. Chris is going to leave. His contract will fall through. His friends are going to treat him differently. His _mother_...

Disgusted with himself, Sebastian slams his head back against the wall. It’s somewhat stabilizing, and he does it again without really thinking. The third time, his mind is clear enough to realize what he’s doing and he stops abruptly, dropping his head onto his knees and bursting into a new wave of tears.

He’s freezing. His lungs are seized tight in his chest and his head is spinning. He still can’t breathe, a phantom weight crushing against his windpipe. He folds his arms over his knees and stares down at himself, trying to stabilize his breathing. What is he _doing?_

He’s ruining everything. He’s ruining his own career. He’s ruining Chris’s career. God, he could be ruining Chris’s _life._ He’s going to be recognized. It’s possible paparazzo saw him come in here in the first place. Bile is crawling up his throat as he picks at his skin. 

His hands are tingling and his arms are numb. He can’t feel his nails digging against his skin, which drives him to scratch harder. He deserves to be punished. He doesn’t deserve to have Chris do it. Chris would only make it something forgivable. He doesn’t deserve forgivable.

Chris must’ve caught a plane, because it hasn’t even been two hours since Sebastian has called before he’s there, pulling Sebastian’s hands to his chest. “Sebastian, stop,” he says, keeping his hands close. “Shh, Seb, breathe, it’s okay.” He’s crying, and Sebastian swallows against the burn of sick in his throat.

When Chris finally lets go of Sebastian’s wrists, he takes Sebastian’s face in his hands and pulls him close, whispering apologies into his hair. Sebastian realizes dazedly that he never even moved, still crouched huddled on the floor. “The door was open,” Chris says amidst his murmuring. “Are you sure no one’s here? You’re safe?”

Sebastian nods, gasping helplessly as he clenches his fingers in Chris’s shirt. “I’m – I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m sorry, too, I’m so…” He lifts Sebastian’s face to meet his eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Sebastian. But everything’s okay. I’m here. I’ve got you, now. Nothing’s going to happen to you, Sebastian. I’m right here. I promise.”

“No.” He doesn’t even know if Chris hears him, his voice caught in the back of his throat.

“You’ve crashed pretty hard, Sebastian,” Chris tells him, tears strangling his voice. He’s saying his name too much, the way people do when trying to calm frightened animals. “You’re shaking. Can – can you breathe?” Sebastian swallows. It feels as if someone is standing on his chest. 

Chris frowns, and keeps talking, gently holding his face. “I know you’re scared, but you’re gonna be okay. I’m so sorry, Sebastian. I’m so sorry. I’m gonna take care of you, now.” Sebastian shakes his head, but Chris ignores him, getting to his feet and helping Sebastian to stand. 

He helps Sebastian back into his clothes while Sebastian hangs limp against him, apologizing profusely. Chris just shakes his head and wipes tears from his face. “C’mon, Seb. It’s okay. I rented a car. I’m taking you home.”

“No – ” Sebastian chokes, feeling helpless as he pulls away. “No, I need – punish me, I shouldn’t – shouldn’t have – ”

“Sebastian.” Chris’s voice is hard as he forces Sebastian to look at him. He’s holding his wrists tight again, and Sebastian falls silent. “Listen to me, now. You remember reading about crashing, right? You’ve disassociated. This is serious. I can’t punish you now. That’s not an option. You wouldn’t even feel it if I did. See?” He holds Sebastian’s arms up to his face, bright pink and sprinkled with tiny, sticky red scratches. “Do you remember doing this?”

“I…” He does, vaguely. He doesn’t remember bleeding. “I was…”

Chris pets his hair, and Sebastian looks back up at him. “I’m so sorry, Sebastian. This isn’t your fault, okay? This – I have to take care of you first, do you understand?”

Sebastian coughs weakly, tears sliding into his mouth. “I went against…” he starts, but Chris cuts him off, dropping his wrists to cup his face again as he shushes him gently.

“Shh, don’t worry about that. I have you now, Sebastian, all right? I’m right here. I – I’ll take care of everything else later, okay?” Sebastian shakes his head, but Chris isn’t listening anymore, halfway dragging him out the back door before anyone can recognize them.

Sebastian must pass out on the drive home, because the next thing he knows, Chris is picking him up out of the passenger seat and carrying him inside to his bed. He gently takes off Sebastian’s coat and slides his jeans off of him before he wraps a blanket around his shoulders and kisses his face. When he kneels down to take off Sebastian’s shoes, he rubs gently at Sebastian’s ankles as he frees each foot.

It’s reminiscent of when Chris would remove his bindings after a scene, and Sebastian feels a lump in his throat. It’s not fair. Sebastian doesn’t deserve this. He went against him. Chris shouldn’t even be here. Sebastian had pushed him out like he didn’t even want him anymore.

He looks down to see Chris staring up at him, nervously rubbing his hand over Sebastian’s knee. Sebastian had ignored him and acted like a spoiled brat and Chris still came running when Sebastian said he needed him. “I’m going to get you some water,” Chris says, voice firm, snapping Sebastian out of his thoughts. “Then I’m going to come right back. Understand?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris returns with a large glass of water and sets it on the bedside table. He crawls in bed next to Sebastian and pulls him into his lap before picking the glass back up and forcing it to his mouth.

Sebastian dutifully takes a few gulps before Chris puts it down. “Do you want me to give you a bath?” he asks, a little shakily, and Sebastian can’t take it. It’s too much, the idea of Chris bathing him as if none of this had happened and everything is fine. He doesn’t understand why Chris is even still here, or why he came in the first place.

“Sebastian?” Chris asks gently, and Sebastian starts to cry, shoulders heaving as he tries to gag back his sobs. Chris gathers him up in his arms before he even seems to process anything, already rocking Sebastian against him when he manages to ask, “What’s wrong? Sebastian, please, it’s okay.”

It’s not, Sebastian wants to argue, but he can’t, curling into Chris’s neck before he can help himself. Chris doesn’t try and push him away, instead wrapping his arms around Sebastian and repeating nervously, “It’s okay, Seb. It’s okay.”

By the time Sebastian stops crying, Chris has gone silent. His shirt is soaked at the shoulder with Sebastian’s tears, and it’s just one more thing Sebastian’s done to Chris that he doesn’t deserve. When Sebastian pulls away to glare at the wet spot, Chris only peels off his shirt. 

“Is this okay?” he asks timidly, and Sebastian isn’t sure why. He nods slowly, and Chris frowns. “Can you speak?” Sebastian lets out a soft whimper in response. Chris sighs, sounding nervous. He pets Sebastian’s back. “Are _you_ okay? Can you breathe? Feeling a little clearer?” Sebastian groans before nodding, and Chris lets out a breath of relief. 

“You need to be more careful,” Chris says after a moment. “They could’ve hurt – ” he stops and tisks quietly before finishing, “They _did_ hurt you. They could’ve hurt you worse.”

Sebastian takes a deep breath. “I don’t care.”

“I do,” Chris snaps instantly, and Sebastian flinches. Chris sighs and rubs his hand down Sebastian’s back again. “It’s okay,” he insists again, with a voice that doesn’t sound as if it’s okay at all. “Try and get some sleep. I’ll be right here.” Sebastian nods and curls into him. He’s asleep in minutes.

Sebastian wakes up to Chris in exactly the same spot as when he’d fallen asleep – chest underneath Sebastian’s head and an arm wrapped tight around his back – but he obviously hadn’t stayed that way the whole time. There’s a bowl of soup cooling on the bedside table now, next to a glass of what looks like cranberry juice.

Sebastian doesn’t have cranberry juice. He’s momentarily confounded by the image of Chris going out to buy him some. He snickers. At the sound, Chris’s hand runs through Sebastian’s hair. Sebastian wonders how long he’s been sitting awake while Sebastian slept on him. He looks up and smiles at Chris. “Am I...staying home with the flu?”

“Close enough,” Chris answers seriously, and Sebastian’s smile falls. Chris’s grip on him tightens. “I’m so sorry,” he says after a moment, and Sebastian tenses at the tremor in his voice. “I should never have left you like that. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wasn’t – I don’t…”

“S’fine,” Sebastian answers. “I was stupid.”

“You weren’t,” Chris says with such finality that Sebastian doesn’t argue. “I was...I shouldn’t have left you.” Silence passes between them for a moment before Chris finally nudges him. “C’mon, eat something, sit up.” Sebastian sits up with his hands out, but Chris doesn’t pass him the bowl, instead holding out the full spoon over it.

Sebastian hesitates for only a second before leaning forward and letting Chris tip the spoon into his mouth. He lets Chris feed him about half the bowl before saying, “I can take care of it myself, you know.”

“Considering how hard you crashed, your motor skills are probably still pretty fucked up,” Chris answers, handing over another bite and watching silently as Sebastian takes it. “I don’t want you dropping the bowl and spilling hot soup on yourself on top of everything else.”

Sebastian frowns, and Chris holds out another bite. “Trust me.”

Sebastian does. He always does.

When he’s had a few more bites, Chris starts, “What were – ?” Sebastian hears the _you thinking_ an instant before Chris catches himself, cringing. 

Sebastian can’t answer. All he can think is what an idiot he’d been, and doesn’t say anything. Chris tries again. “You really scared me, Seb. I know I fucked up. I know. But I told…” he takes an uneasy breath before he continues, rephrasing, “Why did you ask for my permission if you were just going to ignore it?”

“I don’t know,” Sebastian tells his lap miserably. 

“You could’ve gotten seriously hurt. You can’t do this sort of thing with just anyone, okay?” Sebastian nods. “If you needed – ” Chris takes another breath. “If you need someone else, you need someone who...knows what they’re doing. Okay?”

Sebastian nods again, his breath catching when Chris’s thumb rolls over the base of his throat. “Whoever you picked sure did a number on you,” he says quietly. Sebastian grimaces, realizing the guy must’ve left a mark. He hopes it doesn’t cover Chris’s. 

He lifts his hand, and Chris seems to realize why. “It’s just here,” he says, running a finger along the base of Sebastian’s throat. “Wear a collared shirt for a few days, okay?” Sebastian nods, his fingers poking into the bruise Chris left on his neck. 

“Only a turtleneck or make-up will cover that.” Chris says, and Sebastian can’t tell if he sounds closer to frustrated or proud. Sebastian smiles, but Chris pulls his chin down to meet his eyes. “And they just – left you alone? With the door open like that?”

Sebastian shakes his head. “No – he just got scared.” At the look on Chris’s face, he tries to explain. “He wasn’t...it was just when I – when I got upset, he assumed I had a boyfriend and ran off.” He sees Chris go tense. “I’m sorry,” he says again, curling his knees into himself. “I’m sorry I got mad. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sor – ”

“Stop.” Chris places the bowl onto the bedside table and picks up the glass of juice. “C’mon.” He tips Sebastian’s head back and Sebastian takes a few grateful sips. “You don’t have to be sorry, Sebastian. I’m going to take good care of you.”

Sebastian swallows hard, his throat going tight. “Why?”

Chris pulls him up from sitting against the pillows, stepping off the side of the bed to help Sebastian to his feet. “Because I promised I would. Are you – do you want to shower on your own?”

Unsure how to respond, Sebastian stares back at him. He wants Chris to bathe him. He might never do it again after this. He doesn’t say anything, but somehow Chris seems to understand anyway. 

“Okay, c’mere.” Chris helps Sebastian to his feet and keeps his hand at the small of Sebastian’s back, catching him on reflex when Sebastian loses his footing and stumbles a little on his way to the bathroom.

They’re silent as Chris washes his hair, but as Chris starts at his skin, Sebastian snatches the cloth from him to scrub at the bruise left at the base of his throat. “Sebastian,” Chris tisks gently, taking the cloth back from him, “it’ll fade, it’s okay.” 

“No.”

“It’s light,” Chris says understandingly, wiping at it tenderly as if he wishes it were that easy, too. “It won’t last long. A couple days.” Sebastian takes a deep breath, his throat getting tight, and Chris’s hand flies off of him, anxious. “Do you want me to leave you alone?”

“ _No!_ ”

Startled, Chris jumps, but doesn’t move away again. Sebastian feels pathetic, begging Chris to sit next to him like he’s four years old and waking up from a nightmare. Chris doesn’t say anything else, but goes back to washing him off. After a moment, he threads fingers through Sebastian’s hair, and it almost feels normal again.

When he gets out of the tub, Sebastian’s a little surprised to realize he’s still a bit wobbly on his feet. Chris holds him by both elbows as he steadies himself on the tile floor. “I tried to tell you,” he says, completely lacking in malice. “That was a bad crash.” Sebastian doesn’t look him in the eye, but Chris just pets his hair back from his face.

“You’re already looking a lot better,” he says, his smile a little shaky around the edges. He helps Sebastian into the same clothes he’d lent him before, rubbing his arms until they’re warm under his hands. Sebastian swallows, and Chris seems to think he may cry again. He’s probably right, anyway.

“You just need some more rest,” he says tenderly. “Probably more soup. Are you hungry?” Sebastian shakes his head, and Chris frowns, but nods understandingly. “What _do_ you need, Sebastian?”

A thought pops into Sebastian’s head, and the corner of his mouth quirks up. “Could definitely go for a smoke,” he says teasingly, knowing nothing will come of it. Chris’s eyebrows knit together, and for a split second, Sebastian thinks he’s going to be angry, but then his face splits into a grin, and he chuckles.

“Yeah,” he says after a minute, rolling his hand over Sebastian’s cheek. “Me, too.” He leans forward and plants a kiss on Sebastian’s head. “Got a pack around?” Pleasantly surprised, Sebastian pulls open the drawer on his bedside table, and Chris takes the pack from his hand. 

“Just one,” Chris says, pulling out a single cigarette. “You should be quitting, you’ve got quite a few years of Bucky Barnes training ahead of you.” Sebastian blushes, and Chris places one hand on the small of his back and helps him out onto the balcony to sit him down in the wicker chair facing the street.

The night air is crisp on Sebastian’s face as he watches Chris light it, taking the first drag before handing it to Sebastian with a sigh. “My first cigarette since 2009,” he says, smirking. Sebastian can feel his face turning scarlet as he takes the cigarette from Chris.

His first inhale lets his whole body relax, warm and dark in his throat. Exhaling slowly, he admits, “This is my first one in six months.” Chris takes it from his hand to take another drag himself, and Sebastian has a distant memory of being fourteen splitting a stolen cigarette with his best friend, who had nicked it from his older sister’s Camels.

“Trying to quit?” Chris asks, handing it back.

“I guess,” Sebastian answers softly. “I haven’t...really needed it, lately.” The confession in his words feels too obvious, and he takes his next inhale quickly, handing the cigarette over to Chris again without looking at him. 

He’s not sure how he expects Chris to react to that, but it isn’t the easy shrug of his shoulders and quiet “yeah” that he gets. Sebastian’s too afraid to respond to that, and Chris has nothing else to add. They burn the cigarette to the filter together before Chris stubs it out on a glass bowl by the chair and leads Sebastian back inside.

“I feel better,” Sebastian admits when they reach the bed, but Chris doesn’t seem to take that the way he wants him to.

“Good,” Chris answers, falling into the bed himself before pulling Sebastian in next to him. “You need more rest,” he adds pointedly as he spoons against him tightly.

Sebastian doesn’t know how long he’d slept before, but he’s only just woken up, regardless. “I’m not tired,” he says sulkily, but Chris is warm along the length of his body and kissing his neck, so he doesn’t pull away.

“All right,” Chris tells him gently, “then just lie still for a minute.”

When Sebastian wakes up again, it’s just barely starting to be morning. Chris is wrapped around him so protectively he can barely wriggle free enough to wipe sleep from his eye. He waits until he feels Chris shift awake before asking, “Why are you being so nice?”

Chris doesn’t answer right away. “What do you mean?” he asks finally, voice dragging with sleep.

Sebastian shrugs. Or tries to. Chris has a pretty tight grip on his arms. “I should be punished. You’re giving me soup and cigarettes and I wasn’t...you told me – I didn’t...I went against you.”

“If you really feel like you need it, I’ll punish you when you’re ready for it,” Chris answers. “But after a crash like that, I’m going to make sure you _are_ ready first. Do you think you’re ready now?”

Sebastian hesitates, which he knows is probably answer enough already. “I feel better,” he repeats finally. It feels more honest than it did last night. He feels Chris smile against his nape before placing a kiss there.

“Good. But not what I asked. Are you ready to be punished for what you did?”

Sebastian sighs. Chris is warm and holding him safely. “No.”

“Okay,” Chris answers back, as if he has all the time in the world. He sounds warm and lazy, like he’s falling back asleep. “I’m going to take care of you until you’re ready, okay?”

Sebastian feels unnervingly like he’s about to cry again. “Why?” he asks helplessly, his voice tight. Chris’s arm snakes over him and Sebastian gasps wetly as Chris’s fingers wrap around his hand.

“‘Cause you’re mine,” Chris says around a yawn. 

“Your what?” Sebastian asks brokenly, but Chris has already fallen back asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Sebastian doesn’t mean to fall asleep again, but the next thing he knows he’s waking up, this time to Chris hovering over him, propped up on his elbow and petting his hair behind his ear. The light from the window has shifted to late morning, and Chris is looking at Sebastian like he’s priceless. 

It’s not fair, and Sebastian can’t stand it. He turns away from him, and Chris’s hand stills in his hair. “Do you want to talk about it yet?”

He doesn’t. He’s scared of how Chris will react – if it’ll hurt him. It’s what Sebastian had sought out to do, but now the idea of it makes him sick to his stomach. After everything Chris did for him now, he just feels hateful and mean. He can’t explain what he did without prompting a definition of their dynamic again.

He doesn’t want to talk about that, either, because he thinks he’s figured out what he wants from it, but he’s starting to think it’s something Chris won’t be able to give.

“I’m ready to be punished,” he says instead, and Chris doesn’t react right away.

“I don’t think that’s true,” he says quietly, and Sebastian can’t stand it. He can’t stand that Chris knows everything that Sebastian is thinking and is still too stupid to know what he actually wants. Something in him snaps.

“I don’t think it was a fucking question,” Sebastian growls at him, sitting up to shove his chest. Chris goes easily, getting to his feet. His face is guarded, and he doesn’t say anything. “Just get the damn belt and get started,” Sebastian adds into the silence, “I’ll let you know when I think you should stop.”

Chris’s mouth is tight, pensive. “I’m not going to punish you without knowing what it’s for,” he says firmly.

Sebastian rolls his eyes and throws up his hands. He knows he's behaving like a child, but it’s somehow comforting. A relief. The more he acts like a child, the more Chris will treat him like one. 

“I let him fuck me,” Sebastian admits, practically spitting the words at him. “Didn’t even know his name, but it didn’t matter. I told him to choke me while he did it. Hit me, too. I don’t even think we fucking discussed safewords. I didn’t care.”

Chris’s mask slips for a moment, a look of horror flashing over his face, but Sebastian presses on, spurred on by it if anything. “He got me off easy. Barely had to try. And it was fucking perfect.”

“Was it?” Chris asks coolly, leaning over Sebastian to cup his face. “By the time you called me you were crying so hard I could barely understand you.”

He’s being so gentle, like Sebastian is made out of glass. It’s not fair. It’s so close to what he wants, but it isn’t. Chris is never going to be able to give Sebastian anything more than this. He can’t stand it, _he can’t stand it._ “So fucking _hit me,_ ” Sebastian screams at him, throwing his fists into Chris’s shoulders. “You’re fucking mad at me so _do something about it!_ ”

Chris looks as if he’s going to say he isn’t mad, and Sebastian wishes he could hate him for it. “Hit me!” He repeats, louder, and Chris slaps him across the face. Sebastian lets his head snap back easily and doesn’t look up again when Chris finally speaks.

“Strip down and get on your hands and knees,” Chris says sharply, “I’ll be back with the belt. Don’t you dare yell at me like that again.”

Sebastian gets to his feet to take off his clothes, already feeling lighter, more relaxed. He melts back into the bed just as Chris comes back, snapping the belt cautiously in his hand. “Do you want me to count?” The bite in his voice is already gone, and Sebastian screws his eyes shut.

“Just _do it_.”

Chris does as he says, cracking the belt over his back. It doesn’t sting until right before the second strike lands over his shoulders, and then it’s like fire lighting up his spine. The next is hot on his ribs, and Sebastian gasps. 

There’s no pattern to the strikes. He has no idea where to anticipate them. The next one lands on his thighs, and Sebastian bites down on the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out. Chris is silent, and Sebastian doesn’t bother trying to keep count, losing track somewhere around the sixth or seventh, which follow each other closely, burning an X over the small of his back.

Chris is waiting for Sebastian’s word before he stops, and Sebastian sinks his teeth hard into his bottom lip, refusing to let out anything more than a quiet grunt. He waits until his vision blurs before latching onto a mouthful of sheets and keeping his face turned away.

Before, each strike had felt like some sort of forgiveness. Absolution. Sebastian doesn’t want that, now. He wants to be in pain. He wants to be punished. He wants Chris to hate him and leave him here, because it’s what Sebastian did to him. He was wrong, and he doesn’t want forgiveness for it. He just wants a sentence. 

It feels good despite himself. Clearing his head the way slamming his skull back against the wall and picking his arms at the club had. Sebastian screws his eyes shut, waiting for the pleasure of it to fade. He’s not getting hard, at least. He doesn’t want to. He shouldn’t be allowed to. 

There’s no unwhipped skin anymore, each blow landing over already tender, stinging flesh. He can feel Chris getting hesitant, the hits are getting gentler. Sebastian is shaking when Chris stops. “Look at me.” His voice isn't anything like it normally is when they're like this. Tight and quiet, like he's choking.

Sebastian pries his eyes open, taking a few nervous breaths before turning his head toward him. Chris lets the belt hang limp at his side. “Can you speak?”

Sebastian nods. Chris frowns.

“You're crying.”

He doesn’t sound like he should, like he did last time. He sounds heartbroken. Sebastian doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he doesn’t at all.

“You’re okay, Sebastian. That’s enough.” Sebastian shakes his head, but Chris snaps at him, “Then tell me to keep going. Say the words.”

Obediently, Sebastian opens his mouth, but his throat is too tight, and all that comes out is a wet gasp. Chris sounds somewhere between disappointed and alarmed. “Sebastian…”

Sebastian cringes, and the soft metallic tap of the belt hitting the floor seems to echo in the room.

Before Sebastian can realize he’s moved, Chris’s hand is in his hair, but Sebastian pulls away. He doesn’t want sympathy or understanding. He just wants punishment.

Chris sighs and sits next to him on the bed. Sebastian resists the urge to curl into him the way he usually does, and Chris notices, tension straightening his spine.

“Can you speak?” he asks again.

“Yes.” He doesn’t know if he’s still allowed to call him sir. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s over.

“Are you okay?” Sebastian takes a deep breath, and Chris specifies, gesturing toward the belt on the floor. “You – did you want...?”

Sebastian takes a moment to shake his head. “No.”

Chris sighs. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Sebastian looks up to see him staring at his hands, folded neatly in his lap. “Sebastian, I need you to answer me honestly, okay?” He looks over his shoulder at him expectantly, and Sebastian nods. “Did I hurt you past your limit?”

Sebastian bites his lip. That’s what he had wanted. It’s what he deserves. But Chris has always been too good for that. Like he could tell it was getting to be too much before it ever reached that point. It isn’t fair. Sebastian doesn’t deserve this. Chris should be angry. Chris should leave him here alone and not come back.

“God, I should’ve never – you weren’t ready to…” Chris turns slightly, facing Sebastian better. “Sebastian, I need you to answer me. Please.” He sounds so guilty, almost like he’s about to cry, and Sebastian flinches. “If I went past your limit I need – ”

“I’m fine,” Sebastian says quickly, not wanting to find out what Chris would assume he needs to do just because Sebastian doesn’t think he deserves it. “I’m fine. You’ve never done anything I didn’t want.”

Chris doesn’t say anything to that. After a moment, he nods before wordlessly getting to his feet and walking into the bathroom. Sebastian drops his head against his arms and listens to the quiet rustling of Chris’s movements. When Chris comes back, he’s holding lotion and a small first aid kit Sebastian keeps in the medicine cabinet.

They’ve never needed that kit before. Sebastian hadn’t even realized how bad he let it get. No wonder Chris is looking at him like that.

Chris sits back down next to him and opens up a bottle of alcohol, daubing the top with a cotton ball. When he reaches for Sebastian, Sebastian twists away, and Chris takes hold of his wrist and gently holds him against the bed. “Hey, be still.”

“Skip it, I don’t want it.”

“No,” Chris answers flatly with a disapproving click of his tongue. Sebastian flinches. He’s angry. Maybe he finally hates him now. Maybe his headstrong arguing and goading for punishment was the last straw. It would serve him right.

Sebastian tries to rip his arm away again, and is alarmed when Chris’s grip tightens and pulls him flat against the bed. “I don’t want it,” Sebastian says, trying to squirm out of Chris’s hold, “I don’t _deserve_ – ” 

“R – _red._ ” Chris’s voice is loud, but shakier than any other time they’ve done anything like this – close to hysterical. 

The air in the room vanishes entirely, and Sebastian goes perfectly still. “I…” he starts, his voice hoarse and timid. Chris is frozen, leaning away from him with his hand still wrapped tight around his wrist. “I’m – what did I…” His eyes drop to the floor and Chris lets out a panicked breath, throwing the supplies in his hand onto the bedside table. 

“No no, Sebastian – I’m – I’m sorry, it’s okay. It’s okay, just... Don’t – God, _don’t_ say that. I – oh my God.” He takes a deep breath and pulls Sebastian’s chin up, forcing him to meet his eyes. He maneuvers him to sit up and holds Sebastian’s wrists in his lap, tight and stabilizing, but only for an instant before he lets go, as if he’s afraid to touch him.

“I never want to hear you say that, do you understand?” Chris sounds like he’s on the verge of tears. “Not ever. It’s not true. It’ll never be true, but especially not – not now. This was my fault, Sebastian, not yours. I should _not_ have left you alone. You were still coming out of it and I was...God, I was _so fucking stupid_. I could’ve really hurt you with what I did. Do you understand what I’m saying?” 

It only seems like Chris has changed the subject. Confused, Sebastian frowns. He doesn’t want to answer his question with ‘ _barely_ ’ but it’s still a little difficult to understand Chris’s point. He can’t think of a truthful way to answer that wouldn’t upset Chris. He narrows his eyes, and Chris lets out a long, anxious sigh.

“You have every right to be angry with me, Sebastian. After how our last time ended. That wasn’t right. I just – I panicked, and I fucked up. I shouldn’t have left you. I caused this, it was nothing you did.” He looks like he’s waiting for some sort of response, so Sebastian nods.

It doesn’t seem like enough when Chris doesn’t say something else right away, so Sebastian clears his throat. “Okay.”

Chris cups Sebastian’s jaw, and it helps. Solid and steady. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to forgive me right now. Or – ” Chris’s voice catches, and his hand falls away from Sebastian’s face. 

Sebastian watches Chris drop it to the bed in silence. He wishes Chris would touch him. Chris follows his line of sight and drops his hand away from the bed entirely before finishing, “Or ever, if you don’t want, but if you do, I want to promise you here and now that I am _never_ going to do that again.”

“Oh.” Sebastian tries to keep his answer short, but it still sounds too obvious that he’s going to cry again. He feels ridiculous. 

“I was so stupid,” Chris says tersely. “And this is my fault.” His eyes widen as he realizes something and reaches out as if to grab Sebastian’s arm, but aborts the action at the last minute and lets his hand just hang in the space between them.

“God, I – you thought I was angry with you. I – fuck, please don’t cry, Sebastian, I’m not angry.” Sebastian watches him flex his fingers, like he wants to wipe tears from Sebastian’s face, but he still doesn’t touch him. “You wanted it, didn’t you? The punishment. It wasn’t...it wasn’t for me, right? I would’ve never punished you for this alone, I only – I only did it because you asked. I thought you wanted – ”

“I did,” Sebastian says quickly, feeling a little unnerved. “I needed it.” He owes Chris that much. His pain. After everything he’s done. He owes him more than that. He needs Chris to know he’s sorry. “I wanted it.”

Chris still doesn’t look particularly relieved. “All right,” he says finally. He doesn’t sound very convinced, either. Sebastian looks away from him. He doesn’t want Chris to blame himself for this. “It’s just,” Chris says hesitantly, and Sebastian doesn’t look up. “You aren’t responsible for what happened. You know that, don’t you?”

When Sebastian nods, he expects Chris to be relieved, but he still only looks concerned. “I only punished you because you…” he trails off, and tries again. “I thought – I thought it would help. You were asking for it, and I thought…” Chris frowns and lowers his eyes, and Sebastian reaches out to touch him before remembering he doesn’t seem to want to be touched, and drops his hand back down to the bed. 

“If I hadn’t left you alone like that, none of this would’ve happened. And you’re probably thinking...I mean, if you’d done this some other time, like – ” Chris swallows as he’s thinking, “Like after any of our other visits, just – just to be defiant, then I might’ve punished you for it, but that’s not what this was, do you understand? You weren’t breaking any of our rules, Sebastian. You were crashing. What you did was not your fault, okay? It was mine.”

He seems so serious that Sebastian has to nod. Chris swallows hard again, and Sebastian watches the hand still hanging in the air ball into a fist and drop to his side. “I need to know you didn’t ask to be punished because you thought it’s what I would want.”

“I asked for it because I wanted it, to make _me_ feel better,” Sebastian tells him shakily. “And now I – ” he swallows hard and wonders how bad his back looks, what his chances are of it scarring. “I don’t want you to fix…” he stops, surprised to see Chris shaking his head. Chris has never said no to anything Sebastian has asked for.

“I can’t do that for you,” he says, and he sounds so _tired_ that Sebastian doesn’t argue. He’d thought the safeword was Chris’s way of telling him he didn’t like what Sebastian was saying, not denying what he’d asked for entirely. Chris works his jaw for a moment and when he speaks again, his voice sounds solid and resolute. “I already gave you your punishment, do you understand? It’s over now.”

Sebastian is nodding before he realizes himself. When he opens his mouth, Chris already knows what he’s going to say. “I’ll give you more lashes if you ask for them, but I am not going to let any marks I leave on you go untreated. That is _not_ part of it. I’m allowed to have limits, too, Sebastian.”

Sebastian’s chest goes tight, still a little taken by surprise. Not that he hadn’t thought of that possibility in an abstract sort of way – it was a thought that kept him second-guessing every time he suggested something new – but it seems like such an arbitrary place to draw the line after everything they’ve done. He nods dumbly, and Chris takes a breath, picking the cotton balls and alcohol back up. 

Sebastian shifts back onto his stomach and watches him go back to dabbing a bit of broken skin on his thigh, wincing a bit when it stings. “Why?” Chris looks up at him, and Sebastian clarifies. “Why is that your limit?”

Chris shrugs and goes back to what he was doing. He’s quiet for a long time, and Sebastian thinks that’s all he’s going to get for an answer until he says, “Do you remember asking if there was a domspace?” 

Sebastian nods. He’s not sure if Chris sees it, but either way he continues talking. “It’s not quite the same, but having control is…” he thinks for a moment, “It’s...relieving. To take care of you.”

A smile quirks at the corner of Sebastian’s mouth, but he stays silent.

“It helps my anxiety, knowing…” he shrugs, obviously embarrassed, “knowing you won’t judge me.” Sebastian blinks. He opens his mouth to ask what Chris means by that, but he doesn’t want to interrupt. There’s silence for a moment, and then Chris leans forward, kissing the welt on his shoulder before bandaging it. Sebastian wonders if he’s even aware he’s done it.

“I don’t have to worry, because you depend on me. You want – ” Chris breaks off again, and Sebastian wants to face him, but Chris is tending to his back now, so he keeps still. “Knowing...in the back of my mind that you’re in charge, really. What you say goes...it’s relaxing, and still, um…”

Sebastian can tell he’s blushing from the sound of his voice. “I can keep that thought in the back of my mind and just…” A flutter goes off in Sebastian’s chest, and Chris sticks a bandage over broken skin on his back. “With that thought, I know I can just let go.”

Sebastian’s breath catches, and Chris’s fingers are light on his back, getting distracted from their task to brush over his spine. “I can do whatever I want to you.”

Sebastian nods mutely, and Chris seems to catch himself, trying to backtrack on his words.

“I mean, I…” Chris swallows, loud enough for Sebastian to hear, and he realizes Chris is nervous, close to panicking. “I can do...I can...you won’t let me go too far, and I know that, so I – ” Chris hesitates, his breath loud. “And you’re always so – _eager_ for it…” 

Sebastian glances back to see Chris rolling his hands comfortingly over the stinging flesh of his back. He nods, but Chris doesn’t look up, concentrating. “I like making you happy,” he adds as an afterthought. He sounds calmer as he says it, and Sebastian smiles. 

He’s forgotten how the subject came up until Chris adds grimly, “Without – without giving you the aftercare, it feels like I went too far.” He runs his thumb up Sebastian’s spine, light, careful, and Sebastian bows his head, following easily. “Like there’s no frame of reference, no control to it.” Sebastian’s eyes drop to his hands. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Chris that way at all.

“I need to know that no matter what I do, you’re going to be safe. That I’m always within your limits. Without that, it feels – just as hectic and unpredictable as everything else.”

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian tells him.

“Don’t be,” Chris answers as he sets the first aid kit down to smear lotion on his hands. “It’s fine. Now you know.”

Sebastian watches him massage the lotion into his back for a moment, waiting to be noticed. When he finally is, Chris’s smile is hesitant and a little bewildered. “What?”

“Can I have my collar?”

He’s never seen Chris look so _relieved._ “Yeah. Yes. Lemme go get it.” He cranes forward to kiss Sebastian’s jaw before wiping his palms thoughtlessly on his jeans. “Where do you keep it?”

“Closet,” Sebastian answers, and Chris is up like a shot.

Sebastian swings his legs over the side of the bed, and Chris stands over him. He hesitates, but before Sebastian can worry, Chris asks, “You’re sure you’re ready? Feel okay?”

There’s an awkward moment where Sebastian tries to nod with his neck bared before dropping his chin back down. “I – I think it’s helping.” Sebastian feels clearer when Chris is touching him, or when he’s using a commanding tone. Same as it’s always been.

He remembers reading that crashing can sometimes make it hard to do scenes again for a long time, but he’d also read that isn’t always true. Sebastian’s beginning to think it’s what he needed in the first place. He can tell by the look on Chris’s face that he doesn’t exactly share the same thought, but he nods anyway, and locks the collar over Sebastian’s throat. 

Chris’s misgivings seem forgotten the moment the collar is in place. Sebastian watches his eyes go dark, something like awe cross over his face. It’s almost like it had been the first time. “Sebastian…” he says, his voice soft and reverent, a breath before Sebastian speaks.

“He thought you were my boyfriend,” comes out of Sebastian’s mouth, unrehearsed and non-sequiturial. Chris blinks, going silent, letting Sebastian explain. “I was – I was trying to say that I needed to call you, and I…” he swallows at the look on Chris’s face. He can’t bear to hear Chris ask what Sebastian knows he’s thinking, so he says it before Chris can. “I didn’t tell him your name or anything.”

Chris looks momentarily confused, as if he hadn’t been expecting that, and Sebastian frowns, disappointed in himself for assuming. He falls ashamedly silent. 

“Okay,” Chris prompts gently, settling back on his knees to look at him better. “What _did_ happen?”

“I – I couldn’t…” It’s such a stupid thing, he doesn’t know how to make it sound less ridiculous.

“Couldn’t what, Sebastian? What happened?” he sounds so genuinely concerned, and Sebastian feels like even more of a fool for letting Chris’s mind come to some sort of conclusion that makes him look at Sebastian that way.

“Nothing. _Nothing._ ” Chris looks unconvinced, and Sebastian cringes. “It’s not like that, it’s so _stupid._ ”

“Tell me what happened,” Chris says sternly.

Sebastian sighs. “I couldn’t think of – of what to call you,” Sebastian admits, stomach churning with a mixture of relief that this is finally coming up and abject fear of what it could mean, now that it is. “When I tried to tell him – I wanted…I didn’t have anything to call you.”

It’s so embarrassing, but Chris just sits, watching him, waiting for him to finish. Sebastian feels his eyes burning. “I just stumbled over the word ‘my’ a few times before he assumed boyfriend and ran off.” He can’t stand how somber Chris looks, and tries to crack a smile. “I think he was worried you were gonna beat him up.”

Surprisingly, Chris doesn’t respond to that. Not even a smirk. Sebastian briefly wonders if he would have. He’s a little startled by how much the thought suddenly thrills him.

After a few seconds, Chris nods. “Okay.” He doesn’t say anything else after that, and Sebastian wonders if it’s his turn now. He can’t think of how to respond to ‘okay’. Finally, Chris takes a deep breath and settles on adding, “What do you want me to be?”

“I…” he can’t say it. All this build-up to get there and he can’t say it now that Chris is asking him. The silence hangs palpable between them.

“Sebastian,” Chris says, calm. He reaches up, but hesitates. “Can I touch you?”

Nodding, Sebastian gasps, “Please.” He closes his eyes, and a weight lifts off his shoulders when Chris’s fingers brush against his temple, petting back his hair. When he opens his eyes again, Chris has shifted closer.

“Please tell me,” Chris says, so quiet Sebastian thinks if they were an inch further apart he wouldn't be able to hear him. “You said he thought I was your boyfriend. Is that what you want? For me to be your boyfriend?” Somehow the word simultaneously isn’t big enough for what they are but is exactly what Sebastian needs to hear. 

He closes his eyes, and Chris’s fingers fall to drag over his collar. “The only things that would have to change would be things you want to change,” Chris says, his voice close. “You understand that, right?” Sebastian nods, his back held straight, bracing. 

“I don’t want anything to change,” Sebastian says under his breath.

“Okay,” Chris answers instantly. He sounds comforted, and Sebastian tells himself he’s hearing things. “Except titles, right?” Chris asks finally, “So, is that what you want, Sebastian?” His voice has an odd tone to it, breathless. Sebastian opens his eyes to see him sitting high on his knees, close to Sebastian’s face, his expression patient. “Tell me what you want. Please.”

For one wild moment, Sebastian gets the disarming sensation that their roles have somehow switched. His stomach twists, and he reaches for Chris’s hand, still resting on his neck. He curls his fingers over Chris’s palm and nods again. “Yeah, I – I want...I want that.”

“Okay,” Chris says again, a smile breaking over his face. Sebastian is probably connecting too much meaning to it, projecting the way Chris’s whole body seems to relax. “God, yeah, okay. We can do that.”

Relief washes over Sebastian so intensely he’s suddenly light-headed. He doesn’t know what to say. It was too easy, this way. “Wh...” is all he can manage, his voice coming out somewhere between wary and grateful. 

Chris leans forward and kisses him, slowly easing him onto his back, and it takes Sebastian a moment to respond. When Chris breaks away, it’s only to kiss down his throat. “It’s what I want, too,” Chris confesses absently, and Sebastian lets out a loud breath.

Chris’s back goes tense, and Sebastian blinks up at him, bewildered.

It’s like he’s released the cork from a champagne bottle, words flowing out of Chris faster than he can possibly be thinking them through. “God, you thought I didn’t. You thought I _wouldn’t_...how long?” Sebastian doesn’t want to say, blinking mutely at him, but Chris seems to guess _too long_ , regardless. 

He pulls Sebastian close, kissing everywhere he can reach, muttering against his skin as he lifts away from each one. “I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I just – I didn’t want to pressure you.” He talks with an almost infuriating innocence. “I didn’t want you to think – think you couldn’t...make your own decision about me, but I wanted…”

Sebastian grabs his face and pulls him into a kiss, his skin almost vibrating. Chris keeps trying to speak in between kisses, soft little apologies on his breath. “I was so scared of hurting you,” he says, and Sebastian’s throat pulls tight, closing from the panicked need to avoid crying. He’s done that enough today.

It’s like Chris can’t stop, words slurring into the kisses and making him almost too hard to understand. “I didn’t – I didn’t want this to be too much. I didn’t want you to think you couldn’t have this without – ” Sebastian tries to shut him up by holding his head into the kiss again, but Chris pulls away to finish his sentence, “– without a relationship, if you didn’t want one.”

“Okay,” Sebastian says breathlessly, conceding finally in the realization that he has to say something in order to get Chris to calm down. “I could, if I wanted. That’s good to know, but I – I don’t, so. So it’s okay.”

“God, I’m so glad you don’t,” Chris says against his mouth, and Sebastian smiles at him as Chris tips his head back to kiss his neck. “I was getting so nervous,” he mutters, kissing down his chest, “that I wouldn’t be able to distance myself much longer.” 

Sebastian shakes his head. “I don’t want – I never wanted that.”

Chris looks up at that. As if he’s still somehow shocked. “I’m sorry,” he says gently, craning back up to kiss him on the mouth. “I’m sorry, I – I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s fine,” Sebastian says, shaking his head. It doesn’t matter anymore. “It’s fine, really. You’re – everything’s fine.” 

“I just – wanted it so badly,” Chris admits, and Sebastian lets out a surprised groan. “I wanted to tell you. I was going to, and then I panicked, and – God, I was so stupid, you didn’t want me to go, I knew you didn’t – ”

Sebastian laughs, a little hysterically, at the realization of what he means. _I want you…_ He clears his throat to get a grip on himself, but Chris doesn’t even seem to notice.

“I should’ve just said it when I wanted to. I got so nervous...I didn’t know how you’d react.” Sebastian can feel Chris’s breathing hitch against his mouth, and he feels his own heartbeat speed up. “Part of me was worried you were too locked in to even...realize…” 

The air shifts, and Chris nips absently on Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian lets out a soft hum of appreciation as Chris gives a little tug on his collar, pulling him closer. 

“You just looked so beautiful, the blindfold and the handcuffs, you were so perfect. You were _mine_.” There’s a spark in the pit of Sebastian’s stomach. Chris is starting to get turned on from the memory, one hand roving over Sebastian’s chest as the other holds his throat prone by the collar. His teeth are dragging over what he can reach of Sebastian’s throat.

“You looked so pretty for me, you were – so good.” 

Chris hadn’t told him to wait for permission to speak, but he stays silent anyway, not wanting to interrupt Chris’s half-aware ramblings. “God, Sebastian,” he says, his words coming out unnaturally mumbled. “You’re so beautiful, always so obedient. You’ve been so perfect, and I almost...God, I was – so worried I lost you.”

Sebastian shakes his head. “Yours,” he answers automatically, and Chris nips his teeth into his jaw. “Always…”

“Look at me,” Chris whispers, and Sebastian’s face blooms red as Chris directs his face, holding it still. “Are you...is this too much?” Sebastian licks his lips, shaking his head. Chris smiles at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you. We don’t have to do…anything. I just – missed...” he trails off, starting to sound drunk as his mouth peppers kisses down Sebastian’s throat.

“I was so scared you wouldn’t want...me to come back,” he adds absently against heated skin. Sebastian nods mutely, and Chris starts kissing down his chest. “I just want you so much…”

Sebastian’s breath catches as Chris curls into him, pressing him back against the mattress. Sebastian’s skin tingles at the fading sting of pressure on bandaged wounds. A whimper slips out of his mouth, and Chris instantly swallows it down, kissing the breath from him before pulling back to watch him.

Sebastian lets his head fall back as Chris’s fingers trail down his throat, over his chest, tracing patterns down to his stomach and back again. He can feel himself getting warm, foggy. The fingers wander back to his face, tilting his jaw to look him in the eye.

“My good boy,” he says, leaning close, and Sebastian beams at him. He really means it this time. His. “You don’t have to do this for me now,” he reminds him gently. “If you’re – ” He seems so anxious, and Sebastian sits up a little to try and kiss the look off his face. 

His expression doesn’t change when Sebastian drops his head back onto the mattress. Sebastian frowns, and Chris cups his cheek. “Sebastian, that was a really bad crash. And then I – I punished you so soon after and I don’t know if…” 

Sebastian doesn’t want to speak, but if he doesn’t say something soon Chris is most likely going to panic himself right back out of Sebastian’s apartment. Sebastian shakes his head to dislodge the thought. No he won’t. He promised he wouldn’t. Not ever again.

Still, he should probably say something. “Please,” he says, barely a whisper, and Chris freezes. “I need it, Chris, please. It’s – it’s helping...so much.” Chris licks his lips worriedly, and Sebastian reaches up to tug gently at Chris’s hair, pulling him back down close. “Nothing has to change. You – you said.” 

“I meant it,” Chris assures him quickly. “Nothing has to change, but I just – right now – ”

“Right now,” Sebastian interrupts, “I want it.” 

_”You’re in charge, really,”_ Chris had said. It’s not a surprise to hear, something Sebastian has always been aware of, but never so much as now, staring Chris down until he nods. He still looks a little uneasy as he runs his nails faintly over the hair at Sebastian’s temple, so Sebastian leans up to kiss him again.

“Please,” Sebastian says again, definitively, staring back at him. He’s absolutely sure, but also so incredibly needy, he can only hope the certainty is what comes out most in his expression. He doesn’t want Chris to pity him. He wants Chris to trust him. 

“Okay,” Chris says finally. His thumb rolls over Sebastian’s bottom lip, and Sebastian lets it fall into his mouth. Pressure on his tongue letting his brain slow to a crawl. This is exactly what he needs. He lets his eyes slide shut. “What do you want, Sebastian?”

He doesn’t want to speak anymore. Instead he sucks gently at Chris’s thumb before letting it fall from his mouth. Chris waits for an explanation, silently letting Sebastian drag Chris’s clothes off and start kissing down his chest. Chris watches him, sliding a hand through his hair, and Sebastian groans, wrapping his lips around Chris’s cock.

Chris is instantly responsive, jolting up onto his elbows with a gasp, and a tendril of power creeps through Sebastian. He sucks Chris down further, in between his legs on his hands and knees as he watches Chris’s eyes cloud over. Sebastian’s spine goes heavy in his back, rooting him flat against the bed. All that matters is his mouth. Be good for Chris.

“I want you to come,” Chris says suddenly, voice rough. “Now. Don’t stop, just come.”

Sebastian’s body responds before he can tell it to, his whole mind blanking to white as he comes against his bed. Chris’s hand is in his hair as he guides him forward. Sebastian’s body is still floating, disconnected. He can hear Chris’s voice, _good boy, good boy, good boy._ His throat is working, swallowing Chris down over and over, but the rest of his body has gone limp.

Chris is still watching him, eyes unfocused and glassy. “You’re so beautiful,” he says again. “Just like this...per – perfect…” Sebastian feels as if he’s being held down, heavy and comforting. He never wants to move. Just like this.

Sebastian’s head jerks back as Chris starts to come, and some of it hits his lips, reaching his cheek. Chris’s eyes light up at the sight of him. “Such a good boy,” he whispers, wiping the come with his fingers to drag into his mouth.

Sebastian lets himself be hoisted back into Chris’s lap, the glass of water at the bedside table pressed to his open mouth. He docily takes a few sips before Chris lets him curl into his chest, focus fading in and out while Chris runs his fingers through his hair, kissing over his throat. 

“My perfect boy,” Chris says gently. “You did so well.” Sebastian smiles against his chest and lets out a contented little purr. “Do you need anything else?” Chris asks then, and Sebastian has to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “What?”

“Nothing,” Sebastian answers. “I’m fine. Feel better.”

Chris smiles at him, tilting his head to kiss his cheek. “You mean that this time?”

After a moment’s hesitation, Sebastian allows himself to steal a kiss, quick and chaste on Chris’s lips. “Yeah,” he says, quiet and raspy. “Yeah, I mean it.”

Chris is peppering dazed little kisses on Sebastian’s neck when the realization hits. “Wait,” Sebastian says out loud, his voice still a little gravelly. “You’re in New York.” 

Chris looks confused, and opens his mouth to say something, but the gravity of it suddenly crashes into Sebastian hard enough that he sits up with a yelp. Chris shirks back as if afraid of hurting him, and Sebastian chokes back the warning lump in his throat telling him he’s getting foolishly emotional again.

“Oh my God. You were home. You were home, and now you’re here.”

Chris makes a face. “Erm. Yeah?”

“You were with your _family_. I – I called and you left your family to deal with my _fucking useless –_ ” Chris’s eyes widen, nervous and worried, and Sebastian doesn’t deserve him. He doesn’t deserve any of this.

“Sebastian, you needed me. After how I treated you last time I’m not about to let you just – ”

Sebastian shakes his head, tears threatening again. He can barely manage to speak. “I don’t. I don’t need – I’m okay. Go home. Go back. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You never get to see them anymore and I – I _ruined_ it.”

“You didn’t ruin anything. Calm down, Seb, please, it’s okay.” Sebastian wants to keep arguing, but Chris’s hands are firm and solid on his shoulders, rubbing soothingly down his arms. “You didn’t ruin anything. I told them you needed me. They understand.”

“They shouldn’t _have_ to,” Sebastian starts, but Chris’s grip on him tightens. He pulls Sebastian down to his chest, murmuring into his hair. “Why would you do that? Why would you leave? You get so little time with them and you – ”

“Shh, Sebastian, please calm down.” Sebastian realizes he’s shivering and curls closer into Chris, letting him wrap his arms tight around him. “It’s okay. I’ll see them again soon. You’re more important right now.” 

“No, I’m not,” Sebastian whines, “I’m fine. I don’t need – I can’t keep you from your family.”

“You’re not keeping me from anything, Sebastian.” Chris says easily. “I want to be here. I love you.”

Sebastian’s breath leaves him in a rush and he jerks back up, meeting Chris’s eyes as he jumps back from Sebastian. “Wh – what?” 

Chris looks a little startled by his own confession, or maybe, from the way his face twists, at the realization that he hadn’t said it before. “Oh, Sebastian,” he sounds almost wounded, going back to kissing over Sebastian’s face. “God, of course I love you.” 

Sebastian gapes at him, and Chris cups his face, peppering it with chaste little pecks. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until Chris is smearing his tears against his cheeks. He’s humiliated from his own lack of control, but Chris doesn’t stop kissing him, whispering over and over between kisses, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” 

Sebastian’s head is spinning. He clenches his hand in Chris’s hair. “I’m so sorry,” Chris says once, hushed and almost to himself before repeating, “I love you. I love you I love you,” and Sebastian just nods, heart pounding in his ears, almost drowning out Chris’s words.

“I love you, too,” Sebastian answers around a gasp. “I...I love you, too.” Chris grins down at him, and Sebastian’s eyes flutter when Chris runs a hand over his face. “Does this – ” he stops, realizes why he was upset just a moment ago. “No, never mind. You...you need to go home.”

Chris looks like he knows what Sebastian was going to say. “Ask me,” he says, voice firm, almost like an order. 

Swallowing, Sebastian asks softly, “Does this mean you’ll stay this time?”

Chris nods, smiling. He nuzzles into Sebastian’s neck. “Yeah,” he answers, his voice muffled by Sebastian’s shoulder. “However long you want me to.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all right, kids, all we've got left now is the epilogue. Try and stick with me, here. Lmao


	11. Epilogue

They’ve been working on separate projects for months. They text and call whenever they can, but Sebastian is starting to feel the tell-tale prickle in his skin. It’s just the barest start of a warning. He’s been too afraid to bring it up with Chris stressing about the film festival, but he’s not sure how much longer he’s going to last on their daily orders. 

He’s trying to run the tension down in the gym when he gets the text: _At least I know Toronto thinks I’m a decent director. Headed back tomorrow. You still want me to stay with you a few nights?_

With a bit of an exasperated smirk, Sebastian rolls his eyes. Only Chris would still be checking warily after they’ve been planning this for the past month. He stops running a moment and sends back _please_.

The reply from Chris is so fast Sebastian doesn’t even have time to pick his speed back up on the treadmill. _Great! Make sure your place is presentable when I get there, I don’t want to have to punish you for dirty dishes left in the sink again._

Picturing his kitchen, Sebastian lets out a huff of a laugh. He has a bit of work to do, then. He’s just finished typing _yes sir_ when Chris adds:

_I have my key. Will you greet me like a good boy?_

Beaming, Sebastian hits send.

Chris lets Sebastian know when he’s boarding, and Sebastian locks his collar over his throat, humming to himself as he picks up the living room and cleans the kitchen. As a final thought he makes the bed before stripping his clothes and tossing them in the hamper. 

He checks his phone before setting it down. If Chris hasn’t landed already, he will soon. Sebastian takes his lube from the bedroom and gets down on his knees beside the couch. Chris hadn’t specified where he wanted to be greeted, which means Sebastian gets to choose. He likes meeting in the living room when it’s been long enough, so that he’s the first thing Chris sees. Chris also asked to be greeted by a good boy. That means Sebastian is allowed to touch himself, but he’s not allowed to come. 

Taking a deep breath, Sebastian closes his eyes. He coats his fingers and lets his hand slide between his legs. A spike of exhilaration curls in his stomach. If he doesn’t calm down, it might go too fast. He starts gently, slow. He only ever does this anymore with Chris’s permission, and they haven’t had the time since Chris left for Toronto.

Directly touching his cock brings him too close too suddenly, and Sebastian instead decides to slide a finger into himself, working it into him until he’s panting and adding another. He’s wanted this so badly the last few days, it doesn’t take much until he has to fling out his free hand to catch himself against the floor, thrusting back against his fingers hard enough to make his vision blur.

When he hears the front door open, he groans, a thrill singing up his spine. Chris is here, but that doesn’t mean Sebastian’s allowed to stop. Only when Chris says. The fact that Chris is watching only makes him more frantic, his skin on fire as he hears Chris come up to him, running a hand through his hair.

“Such a good boy,” Chris says lovingly. “How many fingers have you got inside you, baby?” Sebastian whines as Chris kneels beside him, sliding his hand down Sebastian’s spine to rest at the small of his back. Sebastian curls against Chris, and Chris lets him nuzzle into his neck for a moment.

He shudders at the drag of Chris’s beard against his skin. Chris had been worried Sebastian wouldn’t care for it, but he loves the way it scrapes his lips when Chris kisses him, or when he tucks his face into Sebastian’s shoulder. He loves the way it can rub the inside of his thighs raw. Swallowing hard, he forces himself to remember what Chris asked him. Fingers. How many fingers.

“Three, sir.”

The beard rubs warmly at Sebastian’s skin as Chris purrs, his hand wrapping slowly around Sebastian’s wrist. “And are you ready for me?”

Sebastian nods. “Yes, sir.”

“Good boy,” Chris says sweetly. He drags Sebastian’s hand out of himself, slow and careful, and sets it gently on the floor to help hold him up. Sebastian smiles when fingers tuck under his chin to tip it up, letting Sebastian meet his eyes. “I got you presents,” Chris says. “I missed you so much I couldn’t help it. Would you like anything now?”

Sebastian nods, and Chris smiles and gets back up to grab his bag. “You’ve been such a good boy lately,” he says. “You’ve been so patient while we’ve had to work. I know it’s been hard for you, but you’ve been so amazing. I wanted to spoil you for it.” 

An excited shiver wracks Sebastian’s body, and he grins widely. Chris smiles back and strokes fingers gently over his cheek. “We don’t have to use both right now. We don’t have to use either, if you don’t want to, but last time you went through the list, I noticed you’d marked off a couple new things…”

Sebastian sits up straighter, remembering the last things he’d added to his list. Chris looks up from the long black box he’d fished out of his bag. “Safewords, baby.”

Fists clenched against his thighs, Sebastian forces himself to sound as calm as possible. “Red. Yellow. Two – two fingers.” Chris nods.

“Good boy.” 

They haven’t added anything new to the list in almost five months. They hadn’t really needed to, a sort of calm routine settling into their dynamic once the relationship was added. But it’s been nearly a month since they’ve been able to spare time for each other with Chris’s new project and Sebastian still grabbing roles before he, as Anthony affectionately refers to it, ‘becomes Marvel’s bitch forever.’

But Chris had missed him. Enough that he wants to do something special now that he’s back. He’d made Sebastian go through the list before flying up to Toronto. He’d _known_ he was going to be missing him this much. Chris is looking up at Sebastian, waiting for his go-ahead before opening the box. Sebastian nods, and Chris removes the lid.

The ball gag matches his collar, all-black with a leather strap and silver buckle. Sebastian swallows hard and licks his lips, eyes following to the other two things sitting in the box. He smiles, feeling butterflies sweep feverishly in his stomach. “Buy it all at the same place, huh?”

Chris snorts, taking the lip pencil and tube of lipstick out of the box to set them on the coffee table. “No, but it made it easier to carry.” He takes in the look on Sebastian’s face and adds gently, “If you’ve changed your mind, just tell me.”

“I haven’t,” Sebastian assures him, voice hushed. “I want...I want both. Please.” Chris nods, and Sebastian takes a deep breath as Chris picks up the lip pencil and holds his face steady. He’s unnervingly gentle as he traces the outline of Sebastian’s lips, and it’s almost romantic in the way he watches Sebastian’s eyes.

When Chris gets to the lipstick, he works methodically, drawing out the perfect bow, and Sebastian smirks. “You’re pretty good at this,” he says with a teasing hint to his voice, and Chris rolls his eyes.

“I have two older sisters and a mother who all three spent hours getting ready every Sunday morning. I’d be ashamed if I _wasn’t_ good at this. Now don’t talk, you’ll get it on your teeth.” He holds Sebastian’s mouth open as he finishes and slides a finger into his mouth. Absently, Sebastian realizes Chris wants him to purse his lips, and closes his mouth around Chris’s finger.

Chris’s eyes are bright as he drags his finger past his lips, grabbing a tissue out of his bag and holding it out in front of him, raising his eyebrows. Obediently, Sebastian blots down on it, and Chris folds it away and drops it back in his bag.

When he looks back at Sebastian, he takes his face in his hands. “You look so pretty,” he tells him wistfully, rolling his hands down to Sebastian’s chest. He leans forward and nips at Sebastian’s jaw. “I have questions to ask you before putting on the gag,” he says like he’s only just realized. His beard tickles as he pulls away.

Sebastian whines, and Chris takes pity on him, taking Sebastian’s hand in his own and wrapping their laced fingers over Sebastian’s cock.

He helps Sebastian stroke himself for a moment, and Sebastian twists his eyes shut at the drag over his sensitive skin. Chris uses his other hand to tip Sebastian’s chin to him again. “Look at me, Seb.” Sebastian grunts as he peels his eyes open, and Chris looks momentarily struck, letting his mouth fall silently open.

“You look so pretty,” Chris repeats, his hand still moving firm and steady with Sebastian’s over his dick. Sebastian hisses through his teeth, a blush creeping up his neck. He knows at least the first question that Chris is about to ask. He’d never asked it in the beginning. Maybe he’d been too shy, or making an effort to stay unattached, but now he asks it every time.

Clearing his throat, Chris finally manages, “Do you want me clothed, Sebastian?”

Sebastian shakes his head, relieved. “No, sir.” 

Chris nods. He hesitates, letting his fingers brush just barely over Sebastian’s mouth before dropping his grip on Sebastian’s cock. Sebastian stops moving his hand, and Chris frowns at him. “No,” he says sharply, and Sebastian drags his hand up and back. Chris grins and moves to get to his feet, but Sebastian stops him, tugging Chris down by his shirt.

Chris goes easily, and Sebastian hears his breath catch as he leans forward to drag his lips over the collar of Chris’s shirt. Chris looks curiously up from his collar, wrapping his hand around Sebastian’s wrist to stop him. “What was that?”

Hazy from the sudden loss of friction, Sebastian giggles, shivering and breathless. “People’re gonna think you’re cheating on me,” he says in a falsely conspiratorial tone. “My sweet, innocent, Steve-Rogers-incarnate boyfriend with some floozy on the side.” Chris laughs, crowding up against Sebastian to kiss his neck.

“I don’t think any of the people who know we’re dating would ever call me ‘innocent’,” he says in a low voice. “Besides, Scarlett and Colbie know. They helped me pick out your colour.” That startles a laugh out of Sebastian, and Chris combs his fingers through Sebastian’s hair. “I’m glad I asked their advice. They’re right.”

Chris kisses him on the forehead and pulls away from Sebastian, standing up straight to give him room to strip down. He folds his clothes neatly and places them on the coffee table, pausing for a moment at the streak of red Sebastian left on the collar of his shirt. 

When Chris kneels back down, he takes some lube in his fingers and rolls them over his own cock, getting himself fully hard. He catches Sebastian watching and tisks, putting his hand on the back of Sebastian’s neck. “Keep going,” he says, waiting for Sebastian to begin moving his hand again before asking, “Did you touch yourself at all since I’ve been gone?”

Sebastian shakes his head, moving his eyes away from Chris’s dick when he feels his mouth watering. “No permission, sir.”

Chris nods, his other hand reaching up to cup Sebastian’s face. “And good boys only do as they’re told, don’t they?” Sebastian nods, and Chris rolls his fingers down Sebastian’s cheek, drawing the pads of his fingers over his painted lips. “And you’re...such a good boy, aren’t you, baby?”

“Yes, sir,” Sebastian says in a rush, reaching helplessly for Chris with his free hand. “I’m your good boy.” Chris kisses the corner of Sebastian’s mouth as his slick hand slides between his legs to check how wide Sebastian had stretched himself. Sebastian’s fingers clench tight in Chris’s hair. He purrs desperately, pushing back against Chris’s fingers. “I’m your good boy, Chris, please.”

Teeth drag against Sebastian’s jaw. “That’s right,” he says quietly. “My good boy.” Sebastian nods mindlessly, whimpering as Chris pushes into sensitive skin. He hooks his ankles around Chris’s back, arms wrapped tight around his neck. Chris loops the fingers into Sebastian’s D-ring and tugs. “Say it again.”

“Your good boy, sir,” Sebastian repeats, voice shaking, and Chris’s eyes flash.

“God,” he whispers breathlessly, leaning forward and taking Sebastian’s mouth in his own. Sebastian lets out a soft noise of surprise, but Chris only pushes in closer, fucking his fingers harder into Sebastian as he kisses him, and Sebastian squirms helplessly in Chris’s grip. He’s already starting to slide back. It’s been too long.

When Chris pulls away, there’s red tint smeared on his mouth, and Sebastian’s heart races impossibly faster. Chris smiles down at him, running his finger under Sebastian’s bottom lip. “You look even prettier when it’s all messed up,” he says, and Sebastian runs his tongue over his teeth, stopping just short of licking the colour off his lips.

“Open wide.”

Sebastian’s mouth drops open, and Chris pulls his hand away to reach back and grab the ball gag. He holds it out and Sebastian leans forward to take it in his mouth, letting Chris lock it against the back of his head. The ball isn’t very large, but still manages to be solid and heavy in Sebastian’s mouth, drawing him into the calm weight of subspace.

“That’s it,” Chris tells him gently, cradling his head in his hands. “Let go, Sebastian, I’m here. I’ve got you.” Obediently, Sebastian gives in, body going heavy in Chris’s arms, sound beginning to drag in his ears. Chris watches him, his eyes electric, his voice catching as he continues to speak.

“I love taking you like this,” Chris whispers in his ear as he pulls him close, and Sebastian lets himself fall forward into Chris’s chest as he shifts Sebastian more into his lap. “When you’re so deep under by the time I fuck you that you’re nothing but slack rolling muscle. When I have such control over you, all I have to do is say the word and you come instantly.” 

Fingernails are digging into Sebastian’s jaw to guide his head forward, and he groans. “Isn’t that right?” Chris hisses quietly, and Sebastian nods. He’s a good pet. Perfect pet. Anything Chris asks. Sebastian’s arms are heavy as he drags his nails over Chris’s shoulder blades, his best attempt at trying to pull himself closer to Chris.

Chris _hmm_ s gently, maneuvering Sebastian tight against him, until Sebastian is straddling his thighs. “I’ve got you,” he says again, one hand at Sebastian’s hip to help pull him over his cock. Sebastian’s eyes roll back, and he hears Chris’s voice, deep and pleased, “That’s my good boy.” Sebastian whines, and Chris tells him firmly, “When I let you come, I want it to be slow.” Sebastian whimpers, nodding, and Chris grasps his cock. “Give into it, Sebastian, just relax.”

Sebastian goes limp, letting his body move entirely in time with Chris’s. 

“God, I missed you,” Chris says reverently, one hand cradling Sebastian’s head as the other lets go of his dick and rests at the small of his back. Sebastian loves when he does this, lets himself speak. His mouth never quite catching up with the rest of his brain, letting out every thought he has without the worry of thinking it through.

“Couldn’t wait to get – back...God, you feel so good.” He drags his mouth over Sebastian’s neck, past his collar, teeth sinking in just above his collarbone. “You’re so – _fuck_ – ” He leans forward on a thrust and bucks hard against Sebastian’s prostate, making him yelp against the silicone in his mouth. Chris freezes, just for an instant, and then pushes Sebastian back against the side of the couch as he picks up speed.

“You want to come?” Chris asks, his voice gentle in his ear as he slams into him brutally. Sebastian nods, feeling himself moaning incoherently, trying to form words past the gag in his mouth. Chris’s eyes are wide and bright as Sebastian starts babbling. “Oh, God,” Chris grunts, pressing tight into Sebastian’s chest as his hips pump into him, losing all sense of rhythm. 

Shapes are going white, and Sebastian is so close – if Chris would just tell him. But he won’t. Sebastian can feel himself scrambling, nails digging, muscles tight. He throws one arm behind himself to grasp onto the seat cushion at his head. Chris had told him to relax. He won’t give Sebastian what he wants this way.

As if on cue, Chris snaps the D-ring of the collar hard, and Sebastian’s head wrenches back. Sebastian moans, his body falling limp against the force like a dog pinned at the throat. Chris’s eyes go wild on him. “You wanna come, I’ll need this off.” Sebastian nods, barely understanding, whimpering when the clip goes loose and the ball falls away from his mouth.

“I know, you hate your mouth to be empty, don’t you?” he asks sympathetically. Sebastian’s too far gone to do anything but nod. He _does_ hate it. He wants the gag back. Chris’s cock. His tongue. Anything. Chris slides a finger past Sebastian’s lips and he sucks it greedily into his mouth, placated. 

“I know, I know,” Chris says, cooing, “but I want to ask you something. Want to hear – want to hear you say it.” Sebastian nods wildly, dragging his tongue over Chris’s finger. Whatever Chris wants. Chris watches silently for a moment, and then pulls his hand away to whisper, his voice rough, “What are you, baby?”

Chris calls him lots of things. He’s almost as affectionate with pet names as he’s always been with touching. He calls him beautiful and perfect, he calls him his boyfriend and his sweetheart and once, when he was a little drunk and staying the night with him after an old friend’s birthday celebration in town, he’d called him the love of his life. Real casual, like he was sure Sebastian already knew.

But when they’re like this, Sebastian is only one thing. “Yours, sir.”

“That’s it,” Chris grunts, the hand on his back sliding back around his cock and picking up speed, making Sebastian sag back against the couch. “Just mine.”

“Yes, sir,” Sebastian answers, dropping his head against the cushion as Chris starts to come. He feels his own body unravelling, too close to even feel the tension anymore. He can feel Chris’s eyes on him, watching him go limp into the sofa, and the hand still at Sebastian’s cock tightens its steady grip.

“Come for me, go on.”

Sebastian’s mind goes light and his body falls away from him. Chris pulls out of him, dragging him back into his lap, and when fingers brush Sebastian’s reddened mouth, he parts his lips obediently so Chris can slide them inside.

“My good boy,” Chris tells him over and over as Sebastian licks the come off his fingers. When Chris pulls his hand away, he kisses Sebastian’s hair, his forehead, his face. “You’re such a good boy, Sebastian. My perfect boy.” Sebastian curls up against him and kisses his neck, momentarily surprised by the red mark he leaves.

“Really trying to get me in trouble, aren’t you?” Chris says with a smirk. Sebastian huffs a laugh.

“M’sure if Colbie knows everyone’s gonna find out it was me, anyway.”

“She may have tweeted something,” Chris says with mock gravity. Sebastian punches his arm. 

After a bath that mostly consists of soapy kisses as Sebastian distracts himself from washing Chris’s beard, they order an inordinate amount of Chinese takeout, and Sebastian lays curled up in nothing but his collar with his head in Chris’s lap while Chris watches the Patriots game. 

Sebastian’s never really cared for football, but he likes to watch Chris watch the game, all jittery enthusiasm. At one point he gets so excited about a play he kicks his feet up from the coffee table, accidentally kneeing Sebastian in the face.

When Sebastian jerks up with a shout Chris forgets the game abruptly, embarrassed and apologetic. “Shit, Seb, I’m sorry, are you okay?” He pulls Sebastian’s face in for a quick kiss before jumping up to get him some ice. It isn’t really necessary, the pain’s already subsided, but Sebastian lets himself get pampered for a moment while Chris makes absolutely sure he isn’t in danger of getting a bruise.

“In my defense, that was a really great play,” Chris says remorsefully.

Sebastian sticks his tongue out. “Yeah, great, tell that to make up when I show up with a black eye on Monday.”

“Oh sure,” Chris answers, a sarcastic lilt to his tone, “only blame me for the one mark I leave on you that’s a total accident.” He shoves Sebastian playfully against the couch and crawls on top of him, nipping at his neck. “I’m just gonna have to leave more fun ones to cancel that one out.”

He bites and kisses teasingly at Sebastian’s throat until the TV crowd roars loud enough to momentarily catch his attention. Sebastian giggles and kisses his chin. “We can wait until they win before having the celebratory sex, if you think that’s more traditional,” he says, grinning, and Chris sits up, pulling Sebastian up into his lap.

“I dunno,” he says, with a smirk as he holds Sebastian to him. “I just missed a first down, I think you should stay close in case you’re good luck.” Sebastian grins, tucking his face into Chris’s neck, the scratch of his beard soft against his face. He listens silently to Chris’s pulse in his ears as the game goes on, until Chris shouts delightedly again, and Sebastian jumps.

“Touchdown,” Chris explains sheepishly, kissing Sebastian’s lips. “Told you you were good luck.” Chris spends half-time, two other scores for the Patriots, and the next three commercial breaks doting on Sebastian, holding him close in his lap and covering him with kisses. Sebastian’s never enjoyed a football game so much.

The game is quiet for a while, and Sebastian smiles at the feel of Chris’s fingers absently drawing circles in his ankle. “I love you,” Chris says after a few minutes. Sebastian hears an echo of cheers from the television.

“Are you talking to me, or Jimmy Garoppolo?” he asks sarcastically, and Chris laughs.

“I’m talking to the pretty one in my lap. And only more so now that I know you’ve been listening to me well enough to name the quarterback.” Sebastian snorts, and Chris leans forward to kiss his neck. “Besides, Garoppolo’s way too young for me.”

Sebastian smirks at him. “Really? ‘Cause first day of filming with me on the First Avenger set, you asked if I was old enough to drink yet before you invited me out with you and Hayley and Hugo.”

“Yeah, well. You were,” Chris says, shoving him back onto the couch and crawling over him. “That’s the important thing.” Sebastian licks his lips as Chris kisses down his throat, beard tickling his neck. “Although I have to admit you’re kind of a special case. I might’ve still ended up in love with you even if you weren’t.”

Sebastian laughs. “I can’t tell if that’s romantic or Nabokovian.”

Chris nips his shoulder, reaching up to cuff his head teasingly. “Well, _legal_ would’ve still been necessary.” Sebastian grins impishly at him, and Chris folds his arms over Sebastian’s chest, resting his chin on his wrists. “I really do love you, you know.”

Sebastian’s smile turns soft, and he runs a hand through Chris’s hair. “I know. I love you, too.” He flicks his eyes back to the screen and nods toward it. “Your game’s back,” he points out, but Chris doesn’t look away from Sebastian’s face, staring at him like he hung the moon.

“Brady I'd understand, but if you’re jealous of Jimmy Garoppolo, I’m doing something wrong,” Chris says with false seriousness. 

Sebastian chuckles, but starts when Chris grabs onto his legs and pulls them around his waist with a wink. “I liked that idea you had earlier about celebratory sex in advance,” he says, reaching for the lube left discarded on the floor.

Sebastian bites his lip to keep from smiling. “Isn’t counting your chickens before they hatch supposed to be _bad_ luck?”

“I’ll take my chances,” Chris answers, leaning down to cover Sebastian’s mouth with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Call Off Your Ghost" by Dessa
> 
> God I have no idea why I'm doing this but I felt it needed to be done. I'll update tags as I post new chapters, I don't wanna spoil anything prior to when I absolutely have to, and this fic gets pretty out there lmao. I apologize to everyone, especially the cast of Captain America: Winter Soldier. Haha. Ha....
> 
> Also it bears noting that I'd started this fic in April (it is completed, I will be posting chapters every week or so, depending on my personal schedule. Rest assured it won't be abandoned because it's finished), but had scrapped it a few months later, as I usually do the rare times I try and write rpf. Finding [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGmUIMvC1zQ) on tumblr is actually what made me dust it off and complete it.


End file.
